Monday, August 31, 2009
It is tough to watch, but DO IT!
As school starts up again and the holiday weekend approaches, please listen to Mom and drive safely!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Half a rum cake? In the freezer? (I know, right?!)
Lemme tell ya, I'm really puzzled by this. When did we even have a rum cake? And who the fuck freezes HALF a rum cake? (Me, obviously.) What I want to know is, why couldn't MacDaddy and I manage to polish off a whole rum cake? What kind of wusses are we? Frankly, it doesn't even sound like us, not to finish a cake of ANY sort. I'm mean, IT'S CAKE. And this was a RUM CAKE! I'm almost embarrassed to talk about having a half a rum cake in the freezer.
I admit though, I'm interested to see how it tastes, because of course I set it out on the counter to defrost. I'm excited to see what flavor it is. And if it's edible! And if it's not edible, could it be...with some added rum to freshen it up?!
The more I think about it...I'm starting to feel a little smug. *I* have half a rum cake! I know what I'm eating after dinner tonight. Ha!
Friday, August 28, 2009
I love making lists and today's list is...five things I've purchased way too much of during my grocery store's buy one/get one free sales.
5) Sweet Baby Ray's spicy barbecue sauce. This is our favorite BBQ sauce, and when it's on sale we like to stock up for the summer. We likes us some Sweet Baby Ray on the grill with chicken and pork! It's the perfect combination of sweet and spicy. We have 4 bottles of Ray in the pantry.
4) Boneless skinless chicken breasts. There are exactly 5 bags of frozen chicken in my freezer. Chicken of some variety is generally my fall-back meal, and how can I fall back onto it if there isn't any?!
3) Laundry detergent. I current have 6 detergents. SIX! Christ, how dirty do I think our clothes are? Who needs 6 detergents?!
2) Capri Sun. There are 7 cartons in the basement for Bella's school lunches. I'm afraid the grocery store will call and tell me they need some Capri Suns to sell.
1) Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. I hate to admit it, but we possess 8 boxes of OCPs. Hey, they're lunch snacks! Don't judge me. And keep your hands off! Nobody doesn't like a Little Debbie. That bitch can make a prepackaged snack cake like nobody's business! I could probably open a Little Debbie snack cake stand down on the corner and put that little lemonade-selling kid outta business in about 7 minutes. People would come from miles to grab a Little Debbie.
So tell me, what do you tend to over-buy when it's on sale? C'mon, I know there's *something*! Fess up.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Do you remember that big state exam I had to take back in July? (If you didn't know, I had to take a big state exam back in July.) I studied my ass ass off, and guess what?
Woohoo! Thanks for your well wishes. They helped. :-)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I know this for a fact!
When I was at party in college, the topic of peeing in the shower came up in conversation. (Drunken conversation, albeit conversation nonetheless.) And a whopping 100% of the men surveyed admitted to peeing in the shower. 100%! That's an amazing amount of men who had already gone green with yellow back in the '80s. And who knew they were saving the rain forest even back then? Way to go men! Keep up the good work. The rain forest thanks you.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Both my children crack me up on a daily basis. This witty repartee comes straight from Baby's mouth to my keyboard...
5) "Tater tots are the bomb!" Yes, yes they are, Baby! That crispy crust gently snuggled around the soft potato-y goodness. Mmmmm! What's NOT to love?
4) "This is the worst day of my life." She declared the worst day recently when it was time to leave the playground. (The nerve of me.) If that's as bad as it gets, then life is pretty good in Baby Land!
3) "God dammit." I don't know where she got that foul mouth from. (See post on the matter.) :-/
<------- 2) "Do you want this face to come to you?" I don't know exactly what it means, but I think you've fucked up pretty badly if you're the recipient of *that* face.
1) "It smells like God upstairs." Seriously? God? Huh. I didn't know what God smelled like until I went up to investigate. (Did God just use the bathroom? Did he spray perfume? What?) As it turned out, God had been using hair products. Shampoo, conditioner and hairspray to be exact. Take my word for it, God smells nice!
What are some funny things out of the mouths of your babes?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sometimes I like to go in the evenings to pick up snacks for the teen sleepovers or ice cream or Porcelana Fade Cream. Whilst there last night, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of ego boosting. Have you seen the late-night crowd? Men! ALLLL men. (OK, drunk men. Don't judge me...)
When I was picking up popcorn, two men passed me by and nodded that "how you doin'?" chin nod. While I was looking for soda, one dude belched a little and said "Howdy!" After I checked out and headed toward the door, another fine gentleman hiked up his drawers to cover his crack and suggested I "have a nice evenin'."
Man, I must have had it goin' on last night! I am SO ditching that MORE magazine and hitting the grocery store in the evenings. MacDaddy is sort of against it, but I think he might fear the competition. But...who's with me?! Who needs a late-night grocery store ego boost? Anyone? Anyone?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I thought to myself, "Hey, that's me! I'm over 40." And then I thought, "FUCK, that's ME. I'M over 40!" And I sank into a depression. I'm over 40. I've been over 40 for several years. What happened to my 20s? Where did my 30s go? How did I get here...over 40? It sucks and don't like it one bit. And as it turned out, I didn't like the magazine aimed at my peeps either. It was a little frightening to me. Check out some of the articles on its website this month...
"The Best Summer Tunics Under $100." A couple of things bug me about this... (A) Who the hell needs a tunic in summertime? It's hot out! For me, the less clothes, the better. (B) Who spends $100 on a tunic anyway? (C) The word tunic makes me cringe, so I don't want one at any price. It makes me think "old lady shirt" and I can't handle that! Which brings me to (D) Who the fuck said women over 40 need to wear tunics?!
"Why Middle-Aged Lovers Have More Fun in Bed." Ugh. Am I middle aged at 40-something?! And if so, do I need to up my game in the sack? I'd better trot on over to Cosmo and check out the "14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of" or the "75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves." If I'm going to have more fun in bed, I want it to be crazy hot and unheard of!
"Menopause and Your Looks." I'd rather not know what menopause is going to do to me or my looks. I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll be fighting it with lotions, potions, cosmetics and hairspray. And maybe some liposuction, or a boob lift. We'll see how it goes.
"10 Great Jobs for Midlife Women." There we go with the middle aged shit again! It's like torture to read and consider. And the jobs are a number of high-profile, high-experience positions, like Chief Environmental Officer. Mmmm-k! Don't I need to be some type of subordinate environmental officer first? And then there's Genetics Counselor. Seriously? I can do that? Even though I don't know anything about genetics? Or counselling? OK, sign me up!
I was excited to see the link "Anti-Aging" because I thought, whew, finally some good stuff! And do you know what I found? "My Bladder Makeover." Jesus, I don't even know what to say about that. I'm sure the article has something to do with almost peeing your pants when you sneeze and doing Kegel exercises to combat leakage.
"My Divorce Tale" and "Quickie Divorce, Ranch Style" and "Single Again, Now What?" don't sound very uplifting. (Note to self: Re-read the aforementioned Cosmo articles.)
I thought "Weekend Fashion Essentials" might be a perky, upbeat article but the first essential was an ugly purse followed by a broken image of a pair of must-have sandals. Now I'm pissed that I won't know if I really do need the sandals.
The link for "Health" provided some of the scariest shit I dared to read. Breast cancer, pregnancy over 40, heart disease, mental health, osteoporosis...
MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!
I'm sure MORE magazine means well, and that they have a ton of subscribers, but man, I just don't know if it's for me. What do they even mean by "more"? More what?! More frightening shit about aging than you've ever imagined?!
I am going into "middle age" kicking and screaming; I am NOT aging gracefully, that's for sure. I wear a toe ring. I want to pierce my belly button. I drink and I swear. I lie about my age. I adore lip gloss, and lots of it. I drive a red Mustang. I stay on top of the latest technology. I listen to hip hop to maintain my street cred. Where is the devil when I need him? I need to make a deal! I don't know what I've got to offer (back to the Cosmo articles, LOL), but somebody, please make me young again! I can't take it anyMORE.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Terrific T-shirt Tuesday!
Today's headline-worthy t-shirt is courtesy of Chris Mauger at Maugeritaville, and it's a pretty clear statement in English or Spanish! Check it out...
I'd like to make up a couple of these bad boys and hand them out to people I know, and some random people I don't know, too. I'm sure you have some well-deserving idiots in your life as well!
Chris, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.
Thanks for the funny!
As always readers, let me know if you come across any blog headlines that would make a Terrific T-shirt. (Even a headline of your own!)
Monday, August 3, 2009
So far, we've done really well as boating newbies. MacDaddy is quite the Cap'n. You should see him dock it. He can slip her like it's his job! (That sounds kinda sexual, huh?) And me, I'm an expert map reader. Who knew I was a cartographer? As it turns out, I am! Also, I kick ass at cooler packing. There is never a shortage of food or drinks! Or beer.
However, I've discovered a boating activity of which MacDaddy and I are none too adept -- grilling. Several companies make small gas grills that you can clamp onto the rails of your boat. We bought one shortly after deciding that we *needed* a boat. We may have even had the grill before the boat! This weekend was the debut cookery, but the attachment clamp gave us attitude.
We needed to figure out how to keep the grill from operating like this...
See the problem?
On Saturday, our hotdogs ended up in the lid of the grill, dangling precariously upside-down UNDER the flames. (Who likes a dangling wiener?! Not me.) Luckily dinner didn't end up in the water. Nor did we burn the boat down with our flaming gyroscope of death.
It seems that you're supposed to adjust the support clamp to best suit the design of your boat. And in our case, the arm shouldn't have been in the vertical position. Because it turned the grill into a top-heavy Norse battering ram like the ones at an amusement park. ------>
Except our contraption was on fire, like a fucking circus act. As it turns out, the support arm should be in a horizontal position in order to prevent the thing from tipping. Who knew?! Again, it's a damn wonder we didn't set anything a'fire.
Next time we go out though, I think the grill will work prefectly in the upright and locked position. And wieners will be back where they belong!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Have you heard about those restaurant monkeys in Japan that serve drinks?
That is SO wrong! I do NOT want those bug-eating shit-flingers bringing me drinks in a restaurant. What if you don't tip them well enough? Will you get a face full of monkey poo?! Will one of 'em chew your face off? ~shudder~
Personally, there are a couple of primates that I dislike more than others: chimpanzees, proboscis monkeys and orangutans.
I have nothing against Jimmy Durante, but admit it, he's got that monkey look about him! Poor, unfortunate bastard.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
This t-shirt has two meanings. Either the way you like it, or the way you deliver it. ~wink wink~ Either way, you have Diva on a Diet at Beach Eats to thank for this outstanding headline.
Readers, if you come across a great headline that would make a cool t-shirt, a la CNN, e-mail and let me know.
Friday, July 17, 2009
5. Broken nails. I have three. I'm a tacky, uneven mess right now!
4. Cuts. I have an irritating cut in the web of my fore and middle fingers on my left hand. Plus a good one on the top of my head, see "near concussion" below.
3. Mosquito bites. I'm covered in them. I'm sure I'll begin to exhibit signs of malaria any minute now.
2. Bruises. I have half a dozen bruises on my knees and shins from bumping into things. It takes some time to get used to the spacial aspects of the boat. Plus, I have a whopper on the inside of my upper arm from walking down into the cabin.
(Note to self: Don't hang on to outside handrail as you try descend the stairs, dumbass.)
1. Near concussion. I cracked my head coming up from the cabin on the first night we did the big clean-up. I thought I would pass out as I actually saw stars. When I touched my head, there was blood. ~queasy~ It seems I slammed my noggin into the locking mechanism on the main cabin hatch. Hopefully, I'll soon master the fine art of ascending and descending the cabin stairs.
Jesus, could I *be* a bigger damn klutz?! I'm positive the second week of boat ownership will be better, injury-wise. Wish me luck!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
According to my numbers, it seems that people are aching for "jimmy buffet invitations." Please people, I do not have the invitations! Thanks for looking, but I'm more the go-to gal for jellos shooters and boozy watermelons. If you locate an invitation though, I'll happily bring both! Deal?
People are looking for a "hairy mom" and a "butt naked mom." OK, seriously? Both are equally disturbing. I can sort of understand the butt naked mom (MILF!) but a hairy mom...~brrrrr~...that creeps me out. Who the fuck wants to find a hairy mom on the Internet? And no doubt they were looking for photos, too. Freak! (Which one of you was it?! LOL)
I hope the person looking for "crazy 80's birthday invitations" finds one. AND invites me to the par-tay! As previously mentioned, I can be counted on to bring the shooters and watermelon.
"Houses you did not build" isn't really all that interesting. Who wants to know that kind of information? Don't 99% of us live in houses we did not build? I'll bet whoever was searching for that lame tidbit was pretty sad to discover me bitching about stuff instead.
I do love that someone wants to know "what funny brat pack movie featured a princess, an athlete, a brain, a basket case and a criminal?" because Breakfast Club was one of my movie faves from last week. (Glad to be of service, dude!)
OK lastly, lemme tell ya, there are HUNDREDS of people looking for things to "butt naked." I think it's a little whack that people can't figure that one out on their own, but if Cosmo felt the need to do a whole cover article on it, I suppose it's a real problem. (C'mon people, you're naked, think it through!!) This is my post that is the most searched of all: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." It was actually one of my first!
What searches combos got them to that post, you ask? I'll tell you!
- 50 things to do butt naked
- 50 things to do bare assed
- 50" butt (OK wait...someone is looking for a 50 inch butt?
Sir Mix-A-Lot would be pleased!)
- Fun things to do butt naked
- Cosmos 50 things to do naked
- Cosmos 30 things to do to a naked man
I sincerely hope there are a lot of readers out there gettin' some, with all that naked searching going on! ~wink, wink~
So, have you ever checked your search stats? What were some of the interesting or funny catch phrases?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
On the way home from the vet appointment last night I decided to myself that this is IT. I'm done with pets whenever it's Weenie's time. I can't handle illness. It makes me a nervous wreck! Children can tell you what's wrong and where it hurts, pets can't. They just wither. We love our pets like nobody's business and then they just break our hearts! Weenie isn't in grave danger, but we've had some pretty horrible pet deaths and I just can't deal.
Please cross your fingers that I won't have to! And of course keep 'em crossed for Weenie's sake. She's such a good dog!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Photo props to Keith. Thank you, again!
Well, we did it. We bought a boat. We took it out for the maiden voyage yesterday, and it was awesome! We met up with friends for our first multi-boat tie-up out in the bay. It was a blast. The kids swam, we made new friends, and just enjoyed the weather. It was hard having to call it a day. And MacDaddy docked it like a champ! Looks like we won't need to pay for any damage to other boats...yet. LOL
We're having a hard time deciding what to name her though. Someone got it in our heads that it's bad luck to rename a boat. :-/ So we're not sure what to do. Take our chances and figure out how to appease Poseidon? Or just throw caution to the sea and go for it?
Here are some of the names we're considering, see what you think...
- Pi$$ing it Away
- Bad Parents
- Sandy Cheeks
- Boat Dorks
- Just Add Water
- Newbies - Stay Back
- 5 O'clock Somewhere
- If This Boat's a-Rockin'...
- Who the Hell Needs College Anyway?
My personal favorite is "Keith's Fault." We secretly blame our friend Keith for giving us the boat joneses that fated Sunday afternoon on the river.
So what do you think? Do you have any great boat name ideas? It's an awful lot of pressure!
Friday, July 10, 2009
5. Grease. All my favorite movies have to do with friendships and relationships of the heart. This movie has a little of both. And, it contains a line I often use..."It says right here it is a dessert wine." LOL. Who doesn't like this movie though? Cars, making out, leather jackets, going back to high school, great songs, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, the big dance, mooning the camera, a dessert wine...what's not to love?!
4. Breakfast Club. For me, this is the ultimate 1980s teen Brat Pack movie. Representin' we had a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal...that just about summed up most of the people I knew from high school. BTW, I've always wanted to try that lipstick-in-the-cleavage trick.
3. An Officer and a Gentleman. I saw this movie at a time when an ex-boyfriend went into the Navy, and it was an interesting look into the armed forces. Plus it had Richard Gere in a uniform. Nuff said!
2. Big Chill. Great plot. Great music. Great cast. I love, LOVE, L-O-V-E, this movie! Jeff Goldblum has an interesting line in that movie. He's at the reception for their dead friend and he says, "Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come." How true!
1. Overboard. I know the entire movie by heart, and everything that comes out of Goldie Hawn's mouth is hilarious. ("Andrew! Are you going to bring me a lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?") Some day I want to have a big slumber party with all my girlfriends and watch this movie so we can just laugh and laugh.
What are some of your absolute favorite movies?!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
So, did I fool you? LOL
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
5. This is the greatest country on the planet! Sure we have our fair share of problems, issues and assholes, but we've got all those rights and freedoms to balance it out. A lot of lives were lost in the American Revolution to get us these freedoms.
4. Swimming. I'm always around water on the 4th of July. As a kid, the holiday was spent camping and whitewater rafting, or at my grandparent's house on Long Island. As I got older, the 4th was spent at my parent's summer place on the river, now it's at the pool. I adore the water!
3. Fireworks! I love them as much now as I did when I was a child. My favorites are the ones that burst into a big crackly dome and then produce swirly spinners that fall toward earth. I can't wait to oooooh and aaaaaah!
2. Booze. Need I say more?
1. Food! It's the quintessential barbecue day. Burger, hotdogs, chops, steaks, chicken, sausages--you name it! Plus, watermelon, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pie and cake...I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.
So I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend!
Have a cocktail and a burger and enjoy the day.
What is it about the 4th that you enjoy?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The first dream centered around a patch of hair I'd apparently missed for, like, 30 years. The spot was on my right leg, approximately 3 inches around, just above my outer ankle bone. It was long and bushy, like pubes, down near my ankle. HOW could I have missed that my whole adult life? I was horrified in my dream. I remembering thinking that EVERYONE must have seen that nasty shit, and NO ONE told me! Not even my own husband! WTF?
Within a day or two I dreamt about a wad of hair under my left arm inside my bra strap. There it was, a shrub of hair branching out from inside my bra! Had I been to the pool in a swimming suit with that scary stuff?! AND the patch down by my ankle? Jesus, what must the neighbors think of me?! How could I have possibly missed that while shaving? And when did I become such a hairy Sasquatch?
I really hope I don't have any more hairy dreams. They're quite unsettling, and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid. That amount of hairy is decidedly NOT sexy.
What do you suppose it all means?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
If anyone would care to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Y'all come back now, ya hear?!
Monday, June 29, 2009
into which all money is thrown.
But man, I want one! I want my own money-sucking hole!
We went boating yesterday with some friends from my husband's work, and it was a blast. The weather wasn't perfect, but the company sure was. I think MacDaddy and I are hooked. We're like boat crack addicts. It's all we think about. We can't wait to get our next fix. We're exhibiting boat-seeking behavior, and we'll ask anyone where we can score a boat. We say we can quit, but we really don't want to. We'll surely need a 12-step program so that it doesn't take over our lives.
- Flip flops are not boating shoes.
- You don't "park" out in the water, you "anchor."
- If you can't figure out how to tie your boat to the dock so that it doesn't float way, you probably shouldn't get a boat.
- If you don't drink beer, you definitely shouldn't get a boat.
- If you can't *wait* to get back on the boat, you probably should get a boat.
- If you're fussy about your hair, you don't belong on a boat.
- The bathroom is not called the bathroom. It's the "head." And men seem to dig it when you talk about "head."
- The kitchen is not the kitchen, it's the galley. And it's main purpose is to hold...the beer.
- Don't fuck around on radio channel 16, it's for the Coast Guard, and they'll kick your ass if you fuck around on it.
- Boating doesn't suck!
So, anyone know where I can score a boat? C'mon man, help a gal out!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I've mentioned a few times that I'm on the neighborhood swim team board, and that I really enjoy it.
Well, I've hit the portion of the season that I had forgotten about since last year. The part where parents have nothing but complaints. *DAILY* I field emails from parents bitching about this or that rule, this or that team request, blah blah blah. I'm ready to bitch slap every damn one of them!
So I've penned an open letter to the parents on my swim team. I think you'll like it!
Dear asshole parents:
Listen up motherfuckers! When you join a team, you are expected to help out. That's the way it is with kids' sports. And when you come to the pool, you need your fucking POOL PASS. Don't email me and whine that "sometimes they're forgotten or misplaced." Because you know what? I don't give a shit. It's the pool, you need a pool pass. What don't you fucktards understand about that?! And also, don't tell me you "just want to watch your daughter race" when it's time to sign up for volunteer jobs at meets. Because you know what? ME TOO! We all want to see our kids race, but we all need to work it to make it happen. And when you don't get the right suit for Little Johnny, whine to the vendor, not me. Let me make this as clear as possible...I DO NOT MAKE THE FUCKING SUITS. And when it's time to clean up after the meets, don't even bother telling me that you "need to get home" because we ALL need to get home. None of us live at the pool, you jackasses. The faster we get this done, the faster we can ALL get home, and I won't need to crawl up your ass. And when you can't fulfill the job you've volunteered to do, don't make it my fucking problem. Find your own replacement. So when your job is to get Friday morning donuts, and you can't fucking handle it, don't make it MY problem the night prior. I'm on the Board to oversee the running of the team; I am not the donut bitch. And if you want to gripe that you didn't know there were practices on Friday, you might want to try clicking that link on our website that says "PRACTICE SCHEDULE" you lazy imbecile!
So, are we clear now? GOOD! Use some common fucking sense before emailing me with complaints. That is all.
Your Perky Swim Team Board Member
P.S. Stay off the coach's ass, too. It's his job to coach, not to listen to you whiny douche bags.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I feel much better. Thanks for listening! Now I can probably get through the day without ripping into anyone. Hopefully.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....5 songs that make me sing like a rock star when I'm alone in the car.
Really there are hundreds of tunes that make me sing like a rock star, but I had to choose 5, so these are some from the past few days.
4. "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Anyone who *doesn't* want to shout "hey, hey, mama, said the way you move gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove" isn't quite right in my book.
2. "And the Cradle Will Rock" by Van Halen. Seriously, have you seen junior's grades? They're appalling! But the guitar riffs are amazing.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I like connecting with friends from my past, but I'm completely weirded out by the games and invitations that people send me. Who the hell has enough time in the day to accept all the water gun fights, Easter egg hunts, cocktails and quiz requests?! Currently sitting in my cue are:
- 1 friend suggestion
- 4 friend requests
- 1 view stephen's hug request
- 1 tweety bird mania request
- 2 classmate requests
- 3 growing up denver gifts
- 2 what your name says invitations
- 4 how well do you know invitations
- 3 farm town requests
- 1 james's birthday request
- 8 pass a round invitations
- 7 water gun fight! requests
- 1 which female grease invitation
- 2 which 80s song invitations
- 3 easter egg hunt invitations
- 3 cause invitations
- 1 which jimmy buffett request
Why do I need to know that my Star Wars character is Princess Leia? WTF am I supposed to do with pretend drinks? If you're really my friend take me out and get me shit-faced! THAT'S a friend! If you want a pillow fight, invite me over for a real sleepover and we'll wail away with pillows all night. C'mon over to the pool and let's do a real water gun fight with super soakers. (You're going down!) If you want to give me a gift, I'd love a Coach bag, not faux farm animals. And if you have a Jimmy Buffett request, it had better come with real jello shooters and close-up seating for a real concert! Don't tease me on Facebook. I don't have that kind of time.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
If anyone would like to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Thanks for reading along!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
What grosses you out??
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Exaggerating -- that's my schtick. Apparently my peeps think I've taken it to a whole new level, like, super hero exaggerating.
I like to announce that I'm hotter than the surface of 1,000 suns, or that my entire face is melting off... not just that I'm "too warm." When I'm cold, I'm not just "chilly" I'm more like the temperature of a frozen steak in a freezer of dry ice, ready to snap. When I'm tired, I like to say that I may not live through the day because I'm dying of life-threatening exhaustion. And speaking of dying, I like to announce that I'm dying of things on a regular basis. I die of random events, people who are idiots, unreal conversations, and strange circumstances DAILY. My exaggerations are legendary at my house. So much so, my family calls me "The Exaggerator"...an exaggerator of super hero strength! Hence, "Life...Exaggerated."
Baby: "Are you still griping about that?"
- Junk mail that tricks you into thinking its something important
- Getting too near the end of the coffee creamer without a back up bottle
- The grill getting wet if we accidentally leave the cover off in the rain
- An assortment of sports ridiculousnesses
Bella: What, did the cat get your eyeballs? Here comes the rant about the price of stuff.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
There, I said it. That is all.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
For my first featured t-shirt, I would like award Stickman for his headline "P.S. I love you, Jackass." The article is entertaining, but the headline is what caught my attention. Who doesn't love a romantic sentiment that ends in "jackass"? I sure do!
Grab your T and upload it to your site if you'd like, and link back to Terrific T-shirt Tuesday.
Readers, have you seen a great headline on someone else's blog? Or have you written one of your very own? Post it in my comments box, or e-me with the link. I'll be on the look out for Terrific T-shirt nominees!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The first is on the main level where the basement and powder room doors meet. Rather than better engineering the alcove into which you must go to both descend the basement stairs or...pee, the builders have forced us to forever fight with swinging doors. And lemme tell ya, the knobs on those two doors seem to bang together 24/7. And also, it seems that either of those doors is always open, ready to slam into your ass in a New York minute. Sometimes, the two knobs even get locked together into a power hold so fierce that you need to consult an expert in quantum physics in order to free them. So they can once again begin clanging.
See? Here they are now, duking it out for who will rule the open space in the Daily Battle of the Alcove Doors.
The other space from hell is upstairs in our bedroom where the master bath and closet doors come together to form a death trap. There are times when MacDaddy and I are in and out of the bathroom and/or closet at the same time and actually get stuck amongst the doors. It might seem like a touching romantic interlude, wedged between the doors, but because we're both so fucking sick of being trapped, the precious moments have long worn thin.
Oh no...it's got Baby!! What I want to know is, what kind of architectural jackassery is this? And on what planet did this seem like a genius move?! Did a high school intern build our house, or someone from The Laugh Factory? Because this is ridiculous! No one should be expected to endure this level of crazy.
So if anyone is keeping score, in my next house I need (a) hot neighbors and (b) doorknobs that don't piss me off.
What's bugging you at your house?--Mom
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I thought it would be fun to have some of my own blog headlines made into t-shirts. Wouldn't that be cool?! I've chosen several of my favorite headlines to consider sportin' around town. They are, in no particular order:
- Picking Jon and Kate out of my teeth
- Note to men: Wear clothes outside
- If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on milk cartons
- You're sticking that pencil...where?!
- What the hell was I thinking?
- 50 Things to Do Butt Naked
So, do you have a favorite headline that you'd like on a t-shirt of your own?!