Saturday, June 27, 2009

I need to gripe

About what might I need to gripe, you wonder? I'll tell you.


I've mentioned a few times that I'm on the neighborhood swim team board, and that I really enjoy it.

Well, I've hit the portion of the season that I had forgotten about since last year. The part where parents have nothing but complaints. *DAILY* I field emails from parents bitching about this or that rule, this or that team request, blah blah blah. I'm ready to bitch slap every damn one of them!

So I've penned an open letter to the parents on my swim team. I think you'll like it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear asshole parents:

Listen up motherfuckers! When you join a team, you are expected to help out. That's the way it is with kids' sports. And when you come to the pool, you need your fucking POOL PASS. Don't email me and whine that "sometimes they're forgotten or misplaced." Because you know what? I don't give a shit. It's the pool, you need a pool pass. What don't you fucktards understand about that?! And also, don't tell me you "just want to watch your daughter race" when it's time to sign up for volunteer jobs at meets. Because you know what? ME TOO! We all want to see our kids race, but we all need to work it to make it happen. And when you don't get the right suit for Little Johnny, whine to the vendor, not me. Let me make this as clear as possible...I DO NOT MAKE THE FUCKING SUITS. And when it's time to clean up after the meets, don't even bother telling me that you "need to get home" because we ALL need to get home. None of us live at the pool, you jackasses. The faster we get this done, the faster we can ALL get home, and I won't need to crawl up your ass. And when you can't fulfill the job you've volunteered to do, don't make it my fucking problem. Find your own replacement. So when your job is to get Friday morning donuts, and you can't fucking handle it, don't make it MY problem the night prior. I'm on the Board to oversee the running of the team; I am not the donut bitch. And if you want to gripe that you didn't know there were practices on Friday, you might want to try clicking that link on our website that says "PRACTICE SCHEDULE" you lazy imbecile!

So, are we clear now? GOOD! Use some common fucking sense before emailing me with complaints. That is all.

Love, Mom
Your Perky Swim Team Board Member

P.S. Stay off the coach's ass, too. It's his job to coach, not to listen to you whiny douche bags.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel much better. Thanks for listening! Now I can probably get through the day without ripping into anyone. Hopefully.



Candice said...

Perfect! I think you should send it. You may want to add a few more "fucks" in there though. It adds more feeling.

For example.

"Ya know, I always wondered why your kid swam like a retarded 3 legged frog, but with fucking idiot parents like yourselves, it's all clear now. Now get out of my face before I shove your non-existant pool pass up your ass!"

Unknown said...

That was poetry, I tell ya.

I think you could copy that letter leaving all the swim references out and let people fill in the appropriate words for whatever activity they are involved in... those parents are involved everywhere


~~Mel~~ said...

Loved your letter! Stupid asshole parents...

Heather Cherry said...

But how do you REALLY feel???

Mom said...

Candice and Heather--So, you don't quite get the sense that I'm pissed off here? I'd better work on that. LOL

Thanks, Mel. They're al nuts!

Crazy Suburban Mom--I agree! The letter would work well for any sport. I'm positive it's not unique to swimming!

The Diva on a Diet said...

Excellent rant. ~fear Mom fear~

No doubt well-deserved ... and my favorite part is the opening line!


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