Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm a super hero

OK, so I'm coming clean on the whole exaggeration thing.

Exaggerating -- that's my schtick. Apparently my peeps think I've taken it to a whole new level, like, super hero exaggerating.

I like to announce that I'm hotter than the surface of 1,000 suns, or that my entire face is melting off... not just that I'm "too warm." When I'm cold, I'm not just "chilly" I'm more like the temperature of a frozen steak in a freezer of dry ice, ready to snap. When I'm tired, I like to say that I may not live through the day because I'm dying of life-threatening exhaustion. And speaking of dying, I like to announce that I'm dying of things on a regular basis. I die of random events, people who are idiots, unreal conversations, and strange circumstances DAILY. My exaggerations are legendary at my house. So much so, my family calls me "The Exaggerator"...an exaggerator of super hero strength! Hence, "Life...Exaggerated."

But I'm not the only person in the family who is a super hero. Oh no! Baby is known as "The Griper" because she can complain like nobody's business. The kid can BITCH! Seriously! I've never heard a four-year-old carrying on about things at great length like she can. A conversation or situation can end, and 25 minutes later, Baby will gripe about it some more. And the funny thing, she doesn't much care for other peoples' griping.

MacDaddy: "My back is sore again today from moving all that mulch."

Baby: "Are you still griping about that?"

To be fair to Baby though, MacDaddy is known as the "Nuclear Overreactor." He can get worked into a head-spinning frenzy about damn near anything, and Baby sometimes has no recourse but to call him on it. On a normal day, the things that get MacDaddy worked up are:
  • Junk mail that tricks you into thinking its something important
  • Getting too near the end of the coffee creamer without a back up bottle
  • The grill getting wet if we accidentally leave the cover off in the rain
  • An assortment of sports ridiculousnesses
  • Democrats
No situation is too small for the Nuclear Overreactor to begin percolating! When we sense it, Bella and I like to make beeping danger sounds and shout, "He's gonna blow!"

Bella has dual super hero powers. She's ultra special. We call her "The Slobinator" for obvious reasons. She can trash a house faster than a speeding bullet. We don't know how she's able to clean her room so thoroughly, and within an hour, it's a shithole! It's not physically possible to destroy a room in the manner that she does, so we figure she must be super human. Bella's also known as "The Instigator." She is often the root cause of Baby's griping and my exaggerations and MacDaddy's overreacting. Bella has a wicked quick sense of humor, that often zings the remaining super heroes into action.

This is classic super hero action at my house:

Me (replacing the roll of paper towels): OMG, did I buy paper towels with cats on them? I must have been completely without my head when I grabbed that roll. I don't even like cats! I'm going to DIE of looking at these paper towels for the next week!! Why GOD?!

Bella: What, did the cat get your eyeballs? Here comes the rant about the price of stuff.

MacDaddy: You know what gets me? The rolls are smaller, but the price continues to go up. It's ridiculous! How much do manufacturers think a wad of ratty paper should cost?! Where is it going to end? Will we be spending $10 on a roll of paper towels with 5 sheets of paper some day?!

Baby (15 minutes later): We don't have cats, mom. Why did you get the paper towels with cats? We don't have cats. We have a dog. How come you didn't buy the towels with dogs?

So, do you have a special super power?

--Mom

7 comments:

Mammatalk said...

Well, in certain circles, my grumpiness could be classified as a Super power.

Mother Mayhem said...

Is stress a super power? I can out stress anyone. Apparently that's why I'm having the PVCs. Snort.

Grand Pooba said...

Super Power? My ability to stuff my face with pie even after I stuffed my face with pie!

Mom said...

Wow, what a spectacularly super powered group! Congrats to you all. LOL

~~Mel~~ said...

I'm an exagerator too! Big time.

But my most desirable super power would have to be that I am a bitch...there's no holding back when I have something to say I "tell it like it is"...Dr. Phil stole that line from me!

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