Note to men: Wear clothes outside!

Well, it happened again this morning. I saw another neighbor in his underwear. The guy diagonally across the street from us was having a cigarette in his driveway, wearing sandals, navy blue boxers and a white wife-beater tank top. Not really a good look at 7:20 a.m.!

Why does this keep happening to me? This is the third neighbor, in three different homes, who I’ve seen in his undies. And I want to know WHY? Why was I hand selected by God to witness such atrocities?

In our townhouse, I looked out the master bedroom window to see Calvin, outside on his deck slurping down his morning coffee and reading his paper, in nothing but white boxer shorts. No shirt, no shoes, no fuckin’ way!

That was my first experience with scantily clad male neighbors, but little did I know, it wouldn’t be my last. :-/

A few years later, while living in our crazy contemporary house in granola-ville, I came upon Billie while walking our dog early one morning. Billie had run out to his car for something, wearing nothing but purple skivvies and slippers. Ugh! Billie was about 30 years older than I with white pasty bird legs, a belly bulge that put him at about 6 months pregnant, and a carpet of grey chest hair. Lemme tell ya, it was not a turn on! I wanted to pop my eyeballs out and scrub them with steel wool, that’s how horrifying the experience was. Thank God he didn’t see me, because Jesus, what does one say to a near-naked neighbor? “Hey hot stuff, you got it goin’ ON!” didn’t seem appropriate, because...it wasn’t accurate. (Why me, God? Why?!)

So then this morning outside house #3 there was Merroon, in his wife-beater, boxers and sandals, smokin’ a ciggie. I just shook my head and thought, “Of course he’s in his underwear. It’s my destiny.” I probably wouldn’t mind so much if my neighbors were hotter. Next time we move, I really need to be a little choosier about the folks we live near. Because I just *know* it’s going to happen again! I’ll be outside, early in the morning, and some jackass will be out there half naked. So I'd really like it if he looked like Adonis next time.

Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just lucky? (And not in a good way.)

--Mom