Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Note to men: Wear clothes outside!

Well, it happened again this morning. I saw another neighbor in his underwear. The guy diagonally across the street from us was having a cigarette in his driveway, wearing sandals, navy blue boxers and a white wife-beater tank top. Not really a good look at 7:20 a.m.!

Why does this keep happening to me? This is the third neighbor, in three different homes, who I’ve seen in his undies. And I want to know WHY? Why was I hand selected by God to witness such atrocities?

In our townhouse, I looked out the master bedroom window to see Calvin, outside on his deck slurping down his morning coffee and reading his paper, in nothing but white boxer shorts. No shirt, no shoes, no fuckin’ way!

That was my first experience with scantily clad male neighbors, but little did I know, it wouldn’t be my last. :-/

A few years later, while living in our crazy contemporary house in granola-ville, I came upon Billie while walking our dog early one morning. Billie had run out to his car for something, wearing nothing but purple skivvies and slippers. Ugh! Billie was about 30 years older than I with white pasty bird legs, a belly bulge that put him at about 6 months pregnant, and a carpet of grey chest hair. Lemme tell ya, it was not a turn on! I wanted to pop my eyeballs out and scrub them with steel wool, that’s how horrifying the experience was. Thank God he didn’t see me, because Jesus, what does one say to a near-naked neighbor? “Hey hot stuff, you got it goin’ ON!” didn’t seem appropriate, because...it wasn’t accurate. (Why me, God? Why?!)

So then this morning outside house #3 there was Merroon, in his wife-beater, boxers and sandals, smokin’ a ciggie. I just shook my head and thought, “Of course he’s in his underwear. It’s my destiny.” I probably wouldn’t mind so much if my neighbors were hotter. Next time we move, I really need to be a little choosier about the folks we live near. Because I just *know* it’s going to happen again! I’ll be outside, early in the morning, and some jackass will be out there half naked. So I'd really like it if he looked like Adonis next time.

Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just lucky? (And not in a good way.)

--Mom

15 comments:

Maureen said...

Holy crap. I think it is a guy thing... I once had to STOP hubby from doing the exact same thing. And he responded with a look like "What??" like there was nothing wrong with it.

Geez.

Mom said...

LOL! And if your husband had gone out, *I* surely would have seen him!

Anonymous said...

O-M-G! *grinning*

I don't believe this has *ever* happened to me. I don't envy you.

Cindy

Tami (Pixeltrash) said...

I've never seen neighbors in their underwear, but there are several dads on my drive to school who take their kids to the bus stop in their pajama pants and or robes. I really don't get it. Can't they throw on a pair of jeans? Seriously. It is just weird.

Veronica Lee said...

LOL, I've never seen neighbours in their underwear, either!!!

Mom said...

OK wait. Seriously? So it is just me?! Tell me it isn't so!!

David said...

Perhaps the reason guys feel ok with it is because boxer shorts are no more revealing than running shorts or gym shorts.

And guys at the school bus stop in pajamas??? there are guys still wearing pajamas?

msprimadonna67 said...

The hazards of summer....

Mom said...

Hi David. Soooo, I'm likely to catch you outside in your boxers someday? Is that what you're saying? LOL. Thanks for stopping by!

Ms.PD67--So true! Tis the season for undies out and about.

The Diva on a Diet said...

I don't think I've seen any of my neighbors in their undies recently. And I don't want to either! Which is not to say its never happened to me, sadly, it has. And the guy was really, really, old ... and demented. I think he'd forgotten which apartment was his and tried to come through our door. Scared the living hell out of me too ... especially when I realized he was in his undies. Ack!

So ... you're in good company, Mom! LOL

Debbie said...

My neighbors are nice enough people but if I ever saw them in their undies, I'd have to poke my eyes out. I feel for you. Truly.

~~Mel~~ said...

I had to run outside yesterday after our cat and had no bra on (but a big hoody so nothing was really hanging out lol) and was embarrassed doing that...guys just don't care! Oh and I've never been lucky (haha) enough to see any guy outside in their gitch...maybe it is JUST you!!!

Mammatalk said...

I think you are just lucky, my friend. Maybe try moving to a colder climate? ;-)

Mom said...

Diva--I knew I couldn't possibly be the only lucky gal!

Debbie--I hope you don't have to lose an eye over it! LOL

Mel--No bra under a hoodie doesn't count. You're fine! But no hoodie and just a bra, then we've got a problem!

Mammatalk--Good point! I need to live some place where it's too cold to go outside in unders!

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