If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on their milk cartons.

I read the other day that the original "milk carton kid" has never been found. Thirty years later and the boy is still missing. I find that very sad and unfortunate.

And at the same time, I find myself questioning the marketing finesse behind the whole milk carton plan. Whose idea was that? And, is a small cardboard box of white liquid really the most optimal search vehicle? Cuz I'm thinking it's not.

If I ever go missing, I hope my people will look harder than that. I want life-size cut-outs of me placed in Nordstrom, DSW Shoe Warehouse, my favorite Chinese restaurant, and the cheese department at Wegman's. I want posters in the Mercedes dealership and bumper stickers on all my neighbor's cars. I want my picture plastered on foam fingers so people can wave my face (I'm number one!) at basketball and football games. I expect people to call my name loudly as they walk around the block, the neighborhood and the state. If they want to call out my name during sex, that's cool, too. I want my mug on bumper stickers, scratch-n-sniff stickers, and press-on tattoos. I want to be on the sides of buses, sides of apartment buildings and sides of beef. I want people to be actively looking for me at the mall, Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store, the hardware store, Panera, Taco Bell and Dick's Sporting Goods. Also, you should definitely look for me at the liquor store. And probably at our neighborhood pool, too. But on the back of a milk carton? Nuh-uh. That's just not good enough.

Where should people look for you, if you go missing?

--Mom