Sunday, May 17, 2009

If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on their milk cartons.

I read the other day that the original "milk carton kid" has never been found. Thirty years later and the boy is still missing. I find that very sad and unfortunate.

And at the same time, I find myself questioning the marketing finesse behind the whole milk carton plan. Whose idea was that? And, is a small cardboard box of white liquid really the most optimal search vehicle? Cuz I'm thinking it's not.

If I ever go missing, I hope my people will look harder than that. I want life-size cut-outs of me placed in Nordstrom, DSW Shoe Warehouse, my favorite Chinese restaurant, and the cheese department at Wegman's. I want posters in the Mercedes dealership and bumper stickers on all my neighbor's cars. I want my picture plastered on foam fingers so people can wave my face (I'm number one!) at basketball and football games. I expect people to call my name loudly as they walk around the block, the neighborhood and the state. If they want to call out my name during sex, that's cool, too. I want my mug on bumper stickers, scratch-n-sniff stickers, and press-on tattoos. I want to be on the sides of buses, sides of apartment buildings and sides of beef. I want people to be actively looking for me at the mall, Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store, the hardware store, Panera, Taco Bell and Dick's Sporting Goods. Also, you should definitely look for me at the liquor store. And probably at our neighborhood pool, too. But on the back of a milk carton? Nuh-uh. That's just not good enough.

Where should people look for you, if you go missing?



Veriance said...

they should look for me at Zingerman's, particularly near the gelato and chocolates.

The Diva on a Diet said...

If I go missing, you should probably check my grocery store ... Fairway ... odds are I'm in a 29 hour line waiting to buy milk with a 30 year old picture on it! ;)

Debbie said...

I just want you to know if you ever go missing I will loudly shout your name. I did it once when Daniel got lost in a strange grocery store on vacation. It turned out he was in the bathroom. But that's not the point.

Mom said...

Veriance--And if I am ever at Zingerman's, I, too, will look for you near the gelato and chocolates!

Diva--I will definitely send a search party your way!

Debbie--Thanks for having my back, man! I won't mind if you call my name, even if I'm in the bathroom.

Anonymous said...

I will make a sandwich sign and paste giant pictures of you on boths sides, Mom. Then I will wear the sign everywhere I go.

If I ever go missing, check the beds and sofa, I'll probably just be asleep somewhere.


Mom said...

Cindy--And I might just be curled up next to you! They'll find us snoozing together.

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