Dying of this year's American Idle...

I don't think I'm the intended audience for American Idol. I always want the edgy characters to win, and sadly, they never do. I was all about beatboxer Blake Lewis, and long-hair Bo Bice. My votes were thrown at rocker Chris Daughtry, and this season, Adam Lambert. I don't go for tame boys and girls next door.

Also, my heart must be made of steel because I don't like slow songs, love songs, sappy songs or the specially-written-for-Idol songs. I need edge. I need rock, hip-hop, funk or punk. I'm near death on country night and on show tunes night, you might as well rip my ears off and stomp on them. And ballads? Blech.

So it should come as no surprise that Kris Allen's win on American Idol has left me cold. In fact, I'm pretty chilly at the end of all Idol seasons. I never like the winner. The worst season for me, until this one, was the year Taylor Hicks won. The amount of oozing schmaltz that year was uber syrupy and nauseating for me. As I write this post it's a damn wonder I even remember Hicks' name. Usually I have to call him "that one dorky guy that I didn't like" because...I didn't like him and I can't seem to commit his name to memory.

This season has hit a new low for me. Kris Allen? Seriously? America, what the fuck were you thinking?! There has never been an Idol winner with less charisma and stage presence than Kris Allen. Never. Not one! Most of the things under my kitchen sink have more magnetism than Kris Allen. The kid who ends up crying during the Christmas pageant has more stage presence than Kris Allen, our new American Idle.

And for the love of GOD, what is with those monkey faces he makes when he sings?! It makes me want to give him a pair of freakin' cymbals to bang together. I'm sure in a few weeks I won't even remember his name and I'll have to call him "monkey boy" or something, which galls the hell out of me because I hate monkeys. HATE them. But that's a whole other post for another day.

Do I think Adam Lambert is the best singer on the planet? No. But he didn't bore the shit out of me. So, let it be known that I am again disappointed by the lack of edge, and now allure, of this year's American Idol winner. When will I ever learn?!

Or am I completely wrong about Kris?

--Mom