I can't even think about it

I read this morning on CNN.com that John Travolta is having a difficult time dealing with his son Jett's death. Travolta is unable to do the promotional circuit to promote his new movie, due out in June.

:-(

What I want to talk about today isn't about celebrities, because despite my recent posts about such, I'm not a celeb follower. I want to talk about the loss of a child.

I honestly can't imagine how parents get out of bed each day after losing a child. HOW do you go on? HOW do you pick up the pieces? HOW do you reconcile having your child in "a better place" when you think the better place would be right with you? My stomach aches at the mere *thought* of a child's death. And my heart goes out to all the parents who have ever had to deal with such an unfathomable tragedy.

Death. Wow...I had a hard time even typing that word. A child's death is one of those areas where I refuse to let my mind wander. I can't even consider the "what ifs" in regard to my own children. It feels like a jinx somehow to even think "what if." So I can't. I won't.

What about you?

--Mom

Picking Jon and Kate out of my teeth

You can barely tune in to your favorite TV, radio or news site without having Jon & Kate rammed down your throat.

I must be a cold bitch, because I'm having a really hard time feeling sorry for either Jon or Kate. Jon can be a clueless, helpless, dumbass at times. And Kate is often a rude, snide, bitch. They invited a reality show into their lives and...WOW...suddenly things aren't going well? Huh. Who didn't see that coming? No good comes from a reality show. Not even American Idol.

And I must be a super cold bitch because I'm feeling the least bad for Kate. (There, I said it. No sympathy for Kate!) Even at the birthday party, Kate was bitching about the length of the party. Too long? Really? Even tho you planned a near-amusement park party? Who-da-thunk-it?!

I've seen Kate berate Jon, hit Jon, bellow loudly in a store for Jon, embarrass Jon and practically saw off Jon's manhood with a dull grapefruit spoon. (And all this after catching pieces of the show just a handful of times in the last several years.) Do I think Jon should have gotten his freak on with a 3rd grade teacher? Nope. But I'm not going to pity Kate either.

Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work. I think Kate and Jon have failed each other, big time.

But those I do feel sorry for are the children. They didn't invite cameras into their daily lives. They didn't ask for parents who wanted to make a buck on their mere existence. They don't deserve to have daddy steppin' out with another lady, or mommy snuggling up with her bodyguard. Jon and Kate claim that everything they do is for the children, then hey guys, how 'bout turning off the TV cameras for a bit! How about saying NO to the money and fixing your marriage? FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

And because I'm a super cold skeptical bitch, I'm not entirely sure this whole marriage trouble isn't a rouse. I think they might just be enough of a media-ratings-whore-monger-team that they're messing with their viewers' heads. Ratings were slipping, and then ~BAM~ a faux affair sets them back at the top of reality dung pile. Coincidence?! I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm still choking on the both of them.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Is this real?

--Mom

Swimmers, take your mark...

Today was the first day of the summer swim league. All the kidlets were thrilled to be back in the water, even though it's still a bit chilly. Our neighborhood kids are really amazing. They are delightful and hard working, kind to each other and helpful, and they are really good about cheering each other on. We get so many more coaching applications than we have coaching spots. This season we're up to approximately 180 swimmers, and some of them are swimmers who have left other teams to join us. People *want* to be part of our crowd. I'm proud to be on the Board of Directors, and the sweetheart of the swim team (LOL).

So wish me luck as I begin my evenings at the pool until school gets out, then mornings at same. I'll be snarfing burgers and nachos at the crack of dawn on Saturdays, and candy for brunch. But it's worth it. It's for the kids, and I dig 'em an awful lot. :-)

How are your kids' activities going?

--Mom

Ashton Kutcher doesn't want to be stalked. Call the waah-mbulance!

It seems that Ashton Kutcher has threatened to stop Twittering if Twitter creates a reality show. Kutcher says he doesn't want to be stalked.

Hahahahaha!

Wait, I'm not done laughing....hahahahahaha!

OK, I'm done now. Soooo...

Really Ashton? You don't want to be stalked? Seriously? Because I think we're all pretty sure you demanded to be stalked when you launched a Twitter beg-a-thon to reach a million followers. And that, by posting your every move on Twitter, you're demanding that people stalk you.

And this from the man who produced "Punked" -- the show about stalking friends to prank on television? Hahahaha. (Dude, you know that's called hypocrisy, right?)

What a warped life celebrities lead.

BTW Ashton, one of the Olsen twins called, she wants her headband back.

--Mom

Check it out, a free Easy Bake Oven!

Admit it, you know you want one!

Check out Lightbulb Cuisine for their Easy Bake Oven giveway. There are a couple of entry requirements, but it's easy peasy! A couple of clicks and you're golden! Hurry, the contest ends Friday, May 29.

--Mom

Dying of this year's American Idle...

I don't think I'm the intended audience for American Idol. I always want the edgy characters to win, and sadly, they never do. I was all about beatboxer Blake Lewis, and long-hair Bo Bice. My votes were thrown at rocker Chris Daughtry, and this season, Adam Lambert. I don't go for tame boys and girls next door.

Also, my heart must be made of steel because I don't like slow songs, love songs, sappy songs or the specially-written-for-Idol songs. I need edge. I need rock, hip-hop, funk or punk. I'm near death on country night and on show tunes night, you might as well rip my ears off and stomp on them. And ballads? Blech.

So it should come as no surprise that Kris Allen's win on American Idol has left me cold. In fact, I'm pretty chilly at the end of all Idol seasons. I never like the winner. The worst season for me, until this one, was the year Taylor Hicks won. The amount of oozing schmaltz that year was uber syrupy and nauseating for me. As I write this post it's a damn wonder I even remember Hicks' name. Usually I have to call him "that one dorky guy that I didn't like" because...I didn't like him and I can't seem to commit his name to memory.

This season has hit a new low for me. Kris Allen? Seriously? America, what the fuck were you thinking?! There has never been an Idol winner with less charisma and stage presence than Kris Allen. Never. Not one! Most of the things under my kitchen sink have more magnetism than Kris Allen. The kid who ends up crying during the Christmas pageant has more stage presence than Kris Allen, our new American Idle.

And for the love of GOD, what is with those monkey faces he makes when he sings?! It makes me want to give him a pair of freakin' cymbals to bang together. I'm sure in a few weeks I won't even remember his name and I'll have to call him "monkey boy" or something, which galls the hell out of me because I hate monkeys. HATE them. But that's a whole other post for another day.

Do I think Adam Lambert is the best singer on the planet? No. But he didn't bore the shit out of me. So, let it be known that I am again disappointed by the lack of edge, and now allure, of this year's American Idol winner. When will I ever learn?!

Or am I completely wrong about Kris?

--Mom

Rave! A tanning fave...

I have something I need to rave about today. It's one of my favorite springtime products -- Jergens Natural Glow Express. I love self tanners because I tend to be white and pasty and that look is not at all sexy on me come pool season. So I like to fake a nice warm glow prior to donning a swimming suit. This Jergens product isn't streaky or orange-y or oddly smelly. And best of all, it works quickly. It's advertised as a three-day tanning product, but I see a difference after the first two applications. And I can maintain a pretty sweet tan by using it every other day. I highly recommend it!

Are you a self-tanner? What product do you like? (Or dislike?!)

--Mom

Mulch. I don't get it.

I don't get all the hoopla surrounding mulch. I really don't. I don't know why people use it. I don't know why people pay money for it. I can't comprehend why it's somehow become a landscaping necessity. It's...shit and...sticks. We pay hundreds of dollars for hundreds of pounds of...shit-n-sticks! WHY?! Why do we do this?

I grew up in Colorado and back then, no one mulched. People had rocks gardens or flower beds surrounded with rock. It was sometimes plain white rock, or random pebbles, or smooth tumbled rock, but not...shit-n-sticks. I was appalled my first summer here on the east coast when my dad had an enormous pile of shit-n-sticks delivered to the driveway--deliberately! Oh, the STENCH! I thought I would DIE. And the way it looked, my GOD, who in their right mind would put THAT around their flowers and shrubs?! WHO?! And for what purpose?

And now that I'm married with a husband and bushes and a driveway of my own, guess what we get delivered every spring. Any ideas? Yup, a heaping pile of shit-n-sticks! And that smell...it makes me want to rip my nose off and stomp on it. And the way it looks... ~gag~. As long as I live, I swear, I will never understand the use of shit-n-sticks. Can someone please explain it to me? Anyone? Anyone?

--Mom

Show me the money! I mean it.

I saw an interesting article on CNN today. The headline is "Ten Creative Ways to Earn Extra Money." I clicked of course, because who couldn't use some extra money in this economy? The way all our 401ks are likely performing, we'll need to work until we're friggin' 107!

Well, here's what I found, and I'm not sure I'm down with a number of items on this list. Tell me what you think.

1. Do freelance work.
Is this secret code for selling dope or prostitution? And I wonder which would net me more money?

2. Sell your books.
When I first read it, I thought it said "Sell your boobs" and it made me think that #1 must mean drugs, so #2 meant prostitution--covering both bases and all. But now I see it says "books" and I don't really think my books are all that fabulous. My boobs tho...

LOL

3. Search circulating coinage.
The article said to look for old coins that you might have lying around. Hahahaha! If you have kids, you probably don't have any spare money lying around. Even Baby scombs onto spare change. Nice try!

4. Start a "business."
"Business" seems a little suspicious, don't you think? Why would it be in quotes? Is this about the boobs and drugs again?

5. Enter local and online sweepstakes.
I wonder if blog contests count?

6. Give your opinion -- and get paid (online surveys, phone surveys and product trials).
For the love of GOD, that's what I've been doing for YEARS!! I give my opinion on damn near everything to damn near anyone who will listen, and no one, I mean NO ONE has given me a dime for it. So scratch that off your list. It doesn't work. I call bullshit!

8. Join a direct selling company (Avon, Pampered Chef).
Yeah, OK. Whatever!

9. Be a secret shopper.
I've been secretly shopping for YEARS. I buy shit and secretly sneak it into the house and my husband never knows! I'm currently wearing a pair of khaki pants that were purchased secretly. The phrase, "What, these old things?!" was MADE for secret shoppers! There's no money in that either.

10. Sell your photos to stock agencies.
This one has me a bit confused. Do they mean scenic photos of my beautiful state, or the Polaroids taken before we were married?

From the looks of the list, boobs and drugs are really the only way to make a buck in this economy. So...good luck!

--Mom

If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on their milk cartons.

I read the other day that the original "milk carton kid" has never been found. Thirty years later and the boy is still missing. I find that very sad and unfortunate.

And at the same time, I find myself questioning the marketing finesse behind the whole milk carton plan. Whose idea was that? And, is a small cardboard box of white liquid really the most optimal search vehicle? Cuz I'm thinking it's not.

If I ever go missing, I hope my people will look harder than that. I want life-size cut-outs of me placed in Nordstrom, DSW Shoe Warehouse, my favorite Chinese restaurant, and the cheese department at Wegman's. I want posters in the Mercedes dealership and bumper stickers on all my neighbor's cars. I want my picture plastered on foam fingers so people can wave my face (I'm number one!) at basketball and football games. I expect people to call my name loudly as they walk around the block, the neighborhood and the state. If they want to call out my name during sex, that's cool, too. I want my mug on bumper stickers, scratch-n-sniff stickers, and press-on tattoos. I want to be on the sides of buses, sides of apartment buildings and sides of beef. I want people to be actively looking for me at the mall, Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store, the hardware store, Panera, Taco Bell and Dick's Sporting Goods. Also, you should definitely look for me at the liquor store. And probably at our neighborhood pool, too. But on the back of a milk carton? Nuh-uh. That's just not good enough.

Where should people look for you, if you go missing?

--Mom

Happy Mother's Day!

I wish you all a fabulous Mother's Day!

--Mom

Honey, I'm home!

Finally! I'm done with my grad class and I'm back online where I belong!

~hugs monitor~

I've written thousands of words, read hundreds of pages, researched dozens of web sites, and now I'm beat. But...I'm DONE!

Until I have to take the next class that is! LOL

Missed you!

--Mom