How's YOUR driving?

I don't know if you've seen this YouTube video or not. It seems to be making the rounds via email. It's not like me to post this kind of thing, but if you haven't checked it out, you must. And make your teenage drivers watch it out also! It is the most powerful safe-driving message I've ever seen. I think all driver's ed classes should run it--over and over and over. And I think all auto dealers should make their customers watch it before they drive off the lot.

It is tough to watch, but DO IT!




As school starts up again and the holiday weekend approaches, please listen to Mom and drive safely!

--Mom

Something with booze went unconsumed? WTF?

Yesterday, while looking for something other than chicken to pull from the freezer (see yesterday's post about having an ass load of chicken in the freezer), I grabbed a foil-wrapped object that was neatly labeled, "1/2 rum cake."

Half a rum cake? In the freezer? (I know, right?!)

Lemme tell ya, I'm really puzzled by this. When did we even have a rum cake? And who the fuck freezes HALF a rum cake? (Me, obviously.) What I want to know is, why couldn't MacDaddy and I manage to polish off a whole rum cake? What kind of wusses are we? Frankly, it doesn't even sound like us, not to finish a cake of ANY sort. I'm mean, IT'S CAKE. And this was a RUM CAKE! I'm almost embarrassed to talk about having a half a rum cake in the freezer.

I admit though, I'm interested to see how it tastes, because of course I set it out on the counter to defrost. I'm excited to see what flavor it is. And if it's edible! And if it's not edible, could it be...with some added rum to freshen it up?!

The more I think about it...I'm starting to feel a little smug. *I* have half a rum cake! I know what I'm eating after dinner tonight. Ha!

--Mom

5 for Friday...BOGO

It's Friday, so you know what that means! Time for my "5 for Friday."

I love making lists and today's list is...five things I've purchased way too much of during my grocery store's buy one/get one free sales.

5) Sweet Baby Ray's spicy barbecue sauce. This is our favorite BBQ sauce, and when it's on sale we like to stock up for the summer. We likes us some Sweet Baby Ray on the grill with chicken and pork! It's the perfect combination of sweet and spicy. We have 4 bottles of Ray in the pantry.

4) Boneless skinless chicken breasts. There are exactly 5 bags of frozen chicken in my freezer. Chicken of some variety is generally my fall-back meal, and how can I fall back onto it if there isn't any?!

3) Laundry detergent. I current have 6 detergents. SIX! Christ, how dirty do I think our clothes are? Who needs 6 detergents?!

2) Capri Sun. There are 7 cartons in the basement for Bella's school lunches. I'm afraid the grocery store will call and tell me they need some Capri Suns to sell.

1) Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. I hate to admit it, but we possess 8 boxes of OCPs. Hey, they're lunch snacks! Don't judge me. And keep your hands off! Nobody doesn't like a Little Debbie. That bitch can make a prepackaged snack cake like nobody's business! I could probably open a Little Debbie snack cake stand down on the corner and put that little lemonade-selling kid outta business in about 7 minutes. People would come from miles to grab a Little Debbie.



So tell me, what do you tend to over-buy when it's on sale? C'mon, I know there's *something*! Fess up.

--Mom

My life sucks

Bella is on vacation with her BFF for two weeks and that leaves ME to empty the dishwasher. And I HATE emptying the damn dishwasher.

In my dream house I'm going to have two dishwashers. I'm going to use the clean dishes from the first dishwasher and put them into the second dishwasher after using them. Then I can run that load, and then reverse the dish using plan. Doesn't that sound grand?

--Mom

Break out the bubbly!

Hello bloggers! I'm back from vacation and back on the 'net. With some good news, no less.

Do you remember that big state exam I had to take back in July? (If you didn't know, I had to take a big state exam back in July.) I studied my ass ass off, and guess what?

I PASSED!

Woohoo! Thanks for your well wishes. They helped. :-)

--Mom

Nick Nolte and I are soul mates

This is what I look like every damn time I get off the boat. Not wasted like Nick. But I am a windblown mess. Purdy, huh?

--Mom

Being "green" by going yellow

I recently read and article titled "Brazilian environmentalists tell residents to urinate in shower to save water." Have you heard about this?

Essentially, the article urges people to take their...urges...into the shower, thereby saving a significant amount of water by not flushing. And I'm here to tell you that the United States has LONG been on the cutting edge of shower urination and has indeed been a world superpower in this regard.

I know this for a fact!

When I was at party in college, the topic of peeing in the shower came up in conversation. (Drunken conversation, albeit conversation nonetheless.) And a whopping 100% of the men surveyed admitted to peeing in the shower. 100%! That's an amazing amount of men who had already gone green with yellow back in the '80s. And who knew they were saving the rain forest even back then? Way to go men! Keep up the good work. The rain forest thanks you.

Just...watch out for your feet.

--Mom

5 for Friday...Baby said what?

It's Friday! One of my very favorite days of the week, and I have prepared another "5 for Friday" for your viewing pleasure. Today's theme..."My 5 favorite Baby One-liners."

Both my children crack me up on a daily basis. This witty repartee comes straight from Baby's mouth to my keyboard...

5) "Tater tots are the bomb!" Yes, yes they are, Baby! That crispy crust gently snuggled around the soft potato-y goodness. Mmmmm! What's NOT to love?

4) "This is the worst day of my life." She declared the worst day recently when it was time to leave the playground. (The nerve of me.) If that's as bad as it gets, then life is pretty good in Baby Land!

3) "God dammit." I don't know where she got that foul mouth from. (See post on the matter.) :-/

<------- 2) "Do you want this face to come to you?" I don't know exactly what it means, but I think you've fucked up pretty badly if you're the recipient of *that* face.

1) "It smells like God upstairs." Seriously? God? Huh. I didn't know what God smelled like until I went up to investigate. (Did God just use the bathroom? Did he spray perfume? What?) As it turned out, God had been using hair products. Shampoo, conditioner and hairspray to be exact. Take my word for it, God smells nice!

What are some funny things out of the mouths of your babes?

--Mom

I'm back on top of the world!

OK, so yesterday I was bitching about (the possibility of!) being middle aged. See post below. Well, I think I've found a way to feel young and sexy well into my middle-agedness. Going to the grocery store late at night! Uh-huh, that's right, the grocery store.

Sometimes I like to go in the evenings to pick up snacks for the teen sleepovers or ice cream or Porcelana Fade Cream. Whilst there last night, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of ego boosting. Have you seen the late-night crowd? Men! ALLLL men. (OK, drunk men. Don't judge me...)

When I was picking up popcorn, two men passed me by and nodded that "how you doin'?" chin nod. While I was looking for soda, one dude belched a little and said "Howdy!" After I checked out and headed toward the door, another fine gentleman hiked up his drawers to cover his crack and suggested I "have a nice evenin'."

Man, I must have had it goin' on last night! I am SO ditching that MORE magazine and hitting the grocery store in the evenings. MacDaddy is sort of against it, but I think he might fear the competition. But...who's with me?! Who needs a late-night grocery store ego boost? Anyone? Anyone?

--Mom

Please tell me I'm not "middle aged!"

I was sitting in the dentist's office recently with Bella, who was in for a cleaning, and I picked up a magazine I'd never seen before. "MORE" was the name of the magazine, and its target audience is women over 40.

I thought to myself, "Hey, that's me! I'm over 40." And then I thought, "FUCK, that's ME. I'M over 40!" And I sank into a depression. I'm over 40. I've been over 40 for several years. What happened to my 20s? Where did my 30s go? How did I get here...over 40? It sucks and don't like it one bit. And as it turned out, I didn't like the magazine aimed at my peeps either. It was a little frightening to me. Check out some of the articles on its website this month...

"The Best Summer Tunics Under $100." A couple of things bug me about this... (A) Who the hell needs a tunic in summertime? It's hot out! For me, the less clothes, the better. (B) Who spends $100 on a tunic anyway? (C) The word tunic makes me cringe, so I don't want one at any price. It makes me think "old lady shirt" and I can't handle that! Which brings me to (D) Who the fuck said women over 40 need to wear tunics?!

"Why Middle-Aged Lovers Have More Fun in Bed." Ugh. Am I middle aged at 40-something?! And if so, do I need to up my game in the sack? I'd better trot on over to Cosmo and check out the "14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of" or the "75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves." If I'm going to have more fun in bed, I want it to be crazy hot and unheard of!

"Menopause and Your Looks." I'd rather not know what menopause is going to do to me or my looks. I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll be fighting it with lotions, potions, cosmetics and hairspray. And maybe some liposuction, or a boob lift. We'll see how it goes.

"10 Great Jobs for Midlife Women." There we go with the middle aged shit again! It's like torture to read and consider. And the jobs are a number of high-profile, high-experience positions, like Chief Environmental Officer. Mmmm-k! Don't I need to be some type of subordinate environmental officer first? And then there's Genetics Counselor. Seriously? I can do that? Even though I don't know anything about genetics? Or counselling? OK, sign me up!

I was excited to see the link "Anti-Aging" because I thought, whew, finally some good stuff! And do you know what I found? "My Bladder Makeover." Jesus, I don't even know what to say about that. I'm sure the article has something to do with almost peeing your pants when you sneeze and doing Kegel exercises to combat leakage.

"My Divorce Tale" and "Quickie Divorce, Ranch Style" and "Single Again, Now What?" don't sound very uplifting. (Note to self: Re-read the aforementioned Cosmo articles.)

I thought "Weekend Fashion Essentials" might be a perky, upbeat article but the first essential was an ugly purse followed by a broken image of a pair of must-have sandals. Now I'm pissed that I won't know if I really do need the sandals.

The link for "Health" provided some of the scariest shit I dared to read. Breast cancer, pregnancy over 40, heart disease, mental health, osteoporosis...

MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!

I'm sure MORE magazine means well, and that they have a ton of subscribers, but man, I just don't know if it's for me. What do they even mean by "more"? More what?! More frightening shit about aging than you've ever imagined?!

I am going into "middle age" kicking and screaming; I am NOT aging gracefully, that's for sure. I wear a toe ring. I want to pierce my belly button. I drink and I swear. I lie about my age. I adore lip gloss, and lots of it. I drive a red Mustang. I stay on top of the latest technology. I listen to hip hop to maintain my street cred. Where is the devil when I need him? I need to make a deal! I don't know what I've got to offer (back to the Cosmo articles, LOL), but somebody, please make me young again! I can't take it anyMORE.




--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...idiot edition

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Terrific.

Terrific who?

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday!

Today's headline-worthy t-shirt is courtesy of Chris Mauger at Maugeritaville, and it's a pretty clear statement in English or Spanish! Check it out...

I'd like to make up a couple of these bad boys and hand them out to people I know, and some random people I don't know, too. I'm sure you have some well-deserving idiots in your life as well!

Chris, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.
Thanks for the funny!

As always readers, let me know if you come across any blog headlines that would make a Terrific T-shirt. (Even a headline of your own!)

--Mom

How do you like your wiener?

MacDaddy's vacation is over and it's back to business as usual. For me, that means goofing online. (Lucky you!) Over the past week, we spent a few days with my folks and a few days at home, plus some time on the beloved boat.

So far, we've done really well as boating newbies. MacDaddy is quite the Cap'n. You should see him dock it. He can slip her like it's his job! (That sounds kinda sexual, huh?) And me, I'm an expert map reader. Who knew I was a cartographer? As it turns out, I am! Also, I kick ass at cooler packing. There is never a shortage of food or drinks! Or beer.

However, I've discovered a boating activity of which MacDaddy and I are none too adept -- grilling. Several companies make small gas grills that you can clamp onto the rails of your boat. We bought one shortly after deciding that we *needed* a boat. We may have even had the grill before the boat! This weekend was the debut cookery, but the attachment clamp gave us attitude.

We needed to figure out how to keep the grill from operating like this...

to this...

See the problem?

On Saturday, our hotdogs ended up in the lid of the grill, dangling precariously upside-down UNDER the flames. (Who likes a dangling wiener?! Not me.) Luckily dinner didn't end up in the water. Nor did we burn the boat down with our flaming gyroscope of death.

It seems that you're supposed to adjust the support clamp to best suit the design of your boat. And in our case, the arm shouldn't have been in the vertical position. Because it turned the grill into a top-heavy Norse battering ram like the ones at an amusement park. ------>
Except our contraption was on fire, like a fucking circus act. As it turns out, the support arm should be in a horizontal position in order to prevent the thing from tipping. Who knew?! Again, it's a damn wonder we didn't set anything a'fire.

Next time we go out though, I think the grill will work prefectly in the upright and locked position. And wieners will be back where they belong!

--Mom

The big one!

I'm taking a big state exam today, and I've been studying for weeks. Wish me luck! I didn't get a chance to do my "5 for Friday" yesterday because I've been in crunch mode. Next week though, I promise! Have a good weekend, and think super test vibes. K?

--Mom

No love for the primates

Have you seen this video from CNN?

Man, those little fuckers freak me out. They're like furry little car-jacking felons! I'm surprised they didn't pop a cap in the videographer's ass and hoist the car up onto blocks so they could chop his ride for parts. Remind me to stay out of that monkey ghetto!

I have a serious aversion to monkeys and apes.

IMO, they're all yellow-teethed, nose-picking, bug-eating, ass-scratching, shit-flingers. I don't think there's anything cute or charming about them. Remember Travis, the 200-pound chimp that attacked a Connecticut woman and ate her face off? I think the owner should have been shot right along with the chimp. An animal of that size should have been returned to the wild or kept in a facility, not allowed near people or behind the wheel of a car.

Have you heard about those restaurant monkeys in Japan that serve drinks?

That is SO wrong! I do NOT want those bug-eating shit-flingers bringing me drinks in a restaurant. What if you don't tip them well enough? Will you get a face full of monkey poo?! Will one of 'em chew your face off? ~shudder~

Personally, there are a couple of primates that I dislike more than others: chimpanzees, proboscis monkeys and orangutans.

Check out that proboscis monkey in the middle. Does he remind you of anyone?

Jimmy Durante

I have nothing against Jimmy Durante, but admit it, he's got that monkey look about him! Poor, unfortunate bastard.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...how about a quickie?

Hey gang! It's Tuesday, so that means I've done my homework and chosen a fab headline for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. Today's t-shirt headline is sure to net you a whole host of new friends! (They might be questionable friends, but what do you expect wearing a shirt like this?!)

This t-shirt has two meanings. Either the way you like it, or the way you deliver it. ~wink wink~ Either way, you have Diva on a Diet at Beach Eats to thank for this outstanding headline.

Diva, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like. Enjoy!

Readers, if you come across a great headline that would make a cool t-shirt, a la CNN, e-mail and let me know.

--Mom

5 for Friday...boating boo-boos

It's Friday, so that means it's time for a list. I really dig making lists, so here's my "5 for Friday"...grievous injuries sustained on the boat in the first week of ownership.

5. Broken nails. I have three. I'm a tacky, uneven mess right now!

4. Cuts. I have an irritating cut in the web of my fore and middle fingers on my left hand. Plus a good one on the top of my head, see "near concussion" below.

3. Mosquito bites. I'm covered in them. I'm sure I'll begin to exhibit signs of malaria any minute now.

2. Bruises. I have half a dozen bruises on my knees and shins from bumping into things. It takes some time to get used to the spacial aspects of the boat. Plus, I have a whopper on the inside of my upper arm from walking down into the cabin.
See ----->
(Note to self: Don't hang on to outside handrail as you try descend the stairs, dumbass.)

1. Near concussion. I cracked my head coming up from the cabin on the first night we did the big clean-up. I thought I would pass out as I actually saw stars. When I touched my head, there was blood. ~queasy~ It seems I slammed my noggin into the locking mechanism on the main cabin hatch. Hopefully, I'll soon master the fine art of ascending and descending the cabin stairs.

Jesus, could I *be* a bigger damn klutz?! I'm positive the second week of boat ownership will be better, injury-wise. Wish me luck!

--Mom

How'd you find me?

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Weenie is under the weather

Shit. Weenie is sick. The vet thinks she has a respiratory infection. Poor sweet baby. :-(

On the way home from the vet appointment last night I decided to myself that this is IT. I'm done with pets whenever it's Weenie's time. I can't handle illness. It makes me a nervous wreck! Children can tell you what's wrong and where it hurts, pets can't. They just wither. We love our pets like nobody's business and then they just break our hearts! Weenie isn't in grave danger, but we've had some pretty horrible pet deaths and I just can't deal.

Please cross your fingers that I won't have to! And of course keep 'em crossed for Weenie's sake. She's such a good dog!


--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...beyond crazy!

Today is Tuesday, so you know what that means, right? Time for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday! For my newbies, it's where I canvas the blogoshere looking for blog headlines that would make great t-shirts, a la CNN.

Today, I'm featuring a headline that makes me chuckle every time I think of it, courtesy of Julia D. at Homemade Hilarity. Julia cracks me up, and this post is no exception. But the headline is what stuck in my mind.

Have you ever had one of those stressed out days, where every single thing sets you on edge? Like you're going...bat shit crazy? I sure have! Wouldn't it be great to have a t-shirt to warn people that it's time back the fuck up? This would be it!

Julia, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post.

And thanks for the funny!

Have you seen a clever blog headline that makes you laugh? E-me and let me know.

--Mom

A new baby!

This is our new baby. Isn't she lovely?

Photo props to Keith. Thank you, again!

Well, we did it. We bought a boat. We took it out for the maiden voyage yesterday, and it was awesome! We met up with friends for our first multi-boat tie-up out in the bay. It was a blast. The kids swam, we made new friends, and just enjoyed the weather. It was hard having to call it a day. And MacDaddy docked it like a champ! Looks like we won't need to pay for any damage to other boats...yet. LOL

We're having a hard time deciding what to name her though. Someone got it in our heads that it's bad luck to rename a boat. :-/ So we're not sure what to do. Take our chances and figure out how to appease Poseidon? Or just throw caution to the sea and go for it?

Here are some of the names we're considering, see what you think...

• Pi$$ing it Away
• Bad Parents
• Cheers
• Sandy Cheeks
• Boat Dorks
• Just Add Water
• Newbies - Stay Back
• 5 O'clock Somewhere
• If This Boat's a-Rockin'...
• Who the Hell Needs College Anyway?
  

My personal favorite is "Keith's Fault." We secretly blame our friend Keith for giving us the boat joneses that fated Sunday afternoon on the river.

So what do you think? Do you have any great boat name ideas? It's an awful lot of pressure!

--Mom

5 for Friday...Movies

The end of the week is here, so it's time for my "5 for Friday." The theme this week is: 5 favorite movies of all time.

5. Grease. All my favorite movies have to do with friendships and relationships of the heart. This movie has a little of both. And, it contains a line I often use..."It says right here it is a dessert wine." LOL. Who doesn't like this movie though? Cars, making out, leather jackets, going back to high school, great songs, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, the big dance, mooning the camera, a dessert wine...what's not to love?!

4. Breakfast Club. For me, this is the ultimate 1980s teen Brat Pack movie. Representin' we had a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal...that just about summed up most of the people I knew from high school. BTW, I've always wanted to try that lipstick-in-the-cleavage trick.

3. An Officer and a Gentleman. I saw this movie at a time when an ex-boyfriend went into the Navy, and it was an interesting look into the armed forces. Plus it had Richard Gere in a uniform. Nuff said!

2. Big Chill. Great plot. Great music. Great cast. I love, LOVE, L-O-V-E, this movie! Jeff Goldblum has an interesting line in that movie. He's at the reception for their dead friend and he says, "Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come." How true!

1. Overboard. I know the entire movie by heart, and everything that comes out of Goldie Hawn's mouth is hilarious. ("Andrew! Are you going to bring me a lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?") Some day I want to have a big slumber party with all my girlfriends and watch this movie so we can just laugh and laugh.

What are some of your absolute favorite movies?!

--Mom

Psssst, wanna see a steel erection?

Ha! Made ya look!

MacDaddy and I erected this canopy and bug netting yesterday. It's in lieu of a screened porch or a sunroom. We've been thinking about either for our deck, but have decided to get a boat instead. So, this is our compromise. And guess what? We love it! We wish we'd erected one years ago when they first became backyard vogue.

Now that I've put the word "erection" into my headline, I can hardly *wait* to see my search stats. Pervs!

So, did I fool you? LOL

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...it's putrid

Hey gang, it's Tuesday! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I surf the 'net for a groovy headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. Check out this one by Em at "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit..."

This was a great headline, and would be an equally great t-shirt. Just like Justin Timberlake's song "I'm Bringing Sexy Back"... letting people know that you're bringin' on the putrid will definitely get you laid! (Not! LOL) Em, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post. Enjoy and thanks for the funny!

--Mom

5 for Friday...Independence Day

Hey everyone! It's the weekend again--and a holiday at that--so it's time for my Friday list. The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Reasons I Love the 4th of July.

5. This is the greatest country on the planet! Sure we have our fair share of problems, issues and assholes, but we've got all those rights and freedoms to balance it out. A lot of lives were lost in the American Revolution to get us these freedoms.

4. Swimming. I'm always around water on the 4th of July. As a kid, the holiday was spent camping and whitewater rafting, or at my grandparent's house on Long Island. As I got older, the 4th was spent at my parent's summer place on the river, now it's at the pool. I adore the water!

3. Fireworks! I love them as much now as I did when I was a child. My favorites are the ones that burst into a big crackly dome and then produce swirly spinners that fall toward earth. I can't wait to oooooh and aaaaaah!

2. Booze. Need I say more?

1. Food! It's the quintessential barbecue day. Burger, hotdogs, chops, steaks, chicken, sausages--you name it! Plus, watermelon, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pie and cake...I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.

So I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend!
Have a cocktail and a burger and enjoy the day.

What is it about the 4th that you enjoy?

--Mom

A big hairy deal

Something must be wrong in my subconscious, because I recently had TWO dreams about shaving. Shaving badly, to be precise! I must be secretly worried that I'm not doing right.

The first dream centered around a patch of hair I'd apparently missed for, like, 30 years. The spot was on my right leg, approximately 3 inches around, just above my outer ankle bone. It was long and bushy, like pubes, down near my ankle. HOW could I have missed that my whole adult life? I was horrified in my dream. I remembering thinking that EVERYONE must have seen that nasty shit, and NO ONE told me! Not even my own husband! WTF?

Within a day or two I dreamt about a wad of hair under my left arm inside my bra strap. There it was, a shrub of hair branching out from inside my bra! Had I been to the pool in a swimming suit with that scary stuff?! AND the patch down by my ankle? Jesus, what must the neighbors think of me?! How could I have possibly missed that while shaving? And when did I become such a hairy Sasquatch?

I really hope I don't have any more hairy dreams. They're quite unsettling, and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid. That amount of hairy is decidedly NOT sexy.

What do you suppose it all means?

--Mom

My foul-mouthed child

Baby needs to have her mouth washed out with soap. Check this out!

Me: Baby, you need to go put your pajamas on. It's almost time for bed.

Baby: But I'm playing with my ponies.

Me: Now! Go get in your jammies.

Baby (stomps off): God dammit.

~gasp~ Can you believe it? WTF?

I know, I know....the hypocrisy.

Do you have a funny story about your foul-mouthed child?

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...giddyup!

Hey everyone, it's Tuesday again! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I thoroughly comb the 'net for a fab headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. What do you guys think of this one?

Today's headline is courtesy of Jeff Tompkins, the world itself is a satire. Jeff sounds like my kinda guy, because most country music makes me want to rip my ears off and stomp on them. Yee haw! Thanks, Jeff! Grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.

If anyone would care to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Y'all come back now, ya hear?!

--Mom

To boat or not to boat?

Boat: (bōt) noun. A hole in the water
into which all money is thrown.

But man, I want one! I want my own money-sucking hole!

We went boating yesterday with some friends from my husband's work, and it was a blast. The weather wasn't perfect, but the company sure was. I think MacDaddy and I are hooked. We're like boat crack addicts. It's all we think about. We can't wait to get our next fix. We're exhibiting boat-seeking behavior, and we'll ask anyone where we can score a boat. We say we can quit, but we really don't want to. We'll surely need a 12-step program so that it doesn't take over our lives.

Here are 10 things I learned whilst boating:

1. Flip flops are not boating shoes.


2. You don't "park" out in the water, you "anchor."


3. If you can't figure out how to tie your boat to the dock so that it doesn't float way, you probably shouldn't get a boat.


4. If you don't drink beer, you definitely shouldn't get a boat.


5. If you can't *wait* to get back on the boat, you probably should get a boat.


6. If you're fussy about your hair, you don't belong on a boat.


7. The bathroom is not called the bathroom. It's the "head." And men seem to dig it when you talk about "head."


8. The kitchen is not the kitchen, it's the galley. And it's main purpose is to hold...the beer.


9. Don't fuck around on radio channel 16, it's for the Coast Guard, and they'll kick your ass if you fuck around on it.


10. Boating doesn't suck!

So, anyone know where I can score a boat? C'mon man, help a gal out!

--Mom

I need to gripe

About what might I need to gripe, you wonder? I'll tell you.

ASSHOLE PARENTS.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm on the neighborhood swim team board, and that I really enjoy it.

Well, I've hit the portion of the season that I had forgotten about since last year. The part where parents have nothing but complaints. *DAILY* I field emails from parents bitching about this or that rule, this or that team request, blah blah blah. I'm ready to bitch slap every damn one of them!

So I've penned an open letter to the parents on my swim team. I think you'll like it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear asshole parents:

Listen up motherfuckers! When you join a team, you are expected to help out. That's the way it is with kids' sports. And when you come to the pool, you need your fucking POOL PASS. Don't email me and whine that "sometimes they're forgotten or misplaced." Because you know what? I don't give a shit. It's the pool, you need a pool pass. What don't you fucktards understand about that?! And also, don't tell me you "just want to watch your daughter race" when it's time to sign up for volunteer jobs at meets. Because you know what? ME TOO! We all want to see our kids race, but we all need to work it to make it happen. And when you don't get the right suit for Little Johnny, whine to the vendor, not me. Let me make this as clear as possible...I DO NOT MAKE THE FUCKING SUITS. And when it's time to clean up after the meets, don't even bother telling me that you "need to get home" because we ALL need to get home. None of us live at the pool, you jackasses. The faster we get this done, the faster we can ALL get home, and I won't need to crawl up your ass. And when you can't fulfill the job you've volunteered to do, don't make it my fucking problem. Find your own replacement. So when your job is to get Friday morning donuts, and you can't fucking handle it, don't make it MY problem the night prior. I'm on the Board to oversee the running of the team; I am not the donut bitch. And if you want to gripe that you didn't know there were practices on Friday, you might want to try clicking that link on our website that says "PRACTICE SCHEDULE" you lazy imbecile!

So, are we clear now? GOOD! Use some common fucking sense before emailing me with complaints. That is all.

Love, Mom
Your Perky Swim Team Board Member

P.S. Stay off the coach's ass, too. It's his job to coach, not to listen to you whiny douche bags.

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I feel much better. Thanks for listening! Now I can probably get through the day without ripping into anyone. Hopefully.

--Mom

5 for Friday...this is my jam

Woohoo! It's Friday again!

The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....5 songs that make me sing like a rock star when I'm alone in the car.

Really there are hundreds of tunes that make me sing like a rock star, but I had to choose 5, so these are some from the past few days.

5. "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morrisette. (The unedited version, of course.) I love the bitter anger that oozes from this song. Such a stress reliever to belt out this one in the car at top volume!

4. "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Anyone who *doesn't* want to shout "hey, hey, mama, said the way you move gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove" isn't quite right in my book.

3. "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. This is a classic for anyone who's wanted revenge on a troublesome neighbor or hateful co-worker. And just for kicks, it's fun to sing the mis-heard lyrics..."Dirty Deeds and the thunder chief." LOL

2. "And the Cradle Will Rock" by Van Halen. Seriously, have you seen junior's grades? They're appalling! But the guitar riffs are amazing.

1. "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolph. The title says it all, so I let it rock in the car, just as loud as I can. Because you know what I wish? I wish I could be as cool as you.

Now, don't let me be the only dork admitting that I sing like a rock star in my car! What makes YOU jam when no one is looking?!

--Mom

Crazy Facebookery

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

I like connecting with friends from my past, but I'm completely weirded out by the games and invitations that people send me. Who the hell has enough time in the day to accept all the water gun fights, Easter egg hunts, cocktails and quiz requests?! Currently sitting in my cue are:

• 1 friend suggestion
• 4 friend requests
• 1 view stephen's hug request
• 1 tweety bird mania request
• 2 classmate requests
• 3 growing up denver gifts
• 2 what your name says invitations
• 4 how well do you know invitations
• 3 farm town requests
• 1 james's birthday request
• 8 pass a round invitations
• 7 water gun fight! requests
• 1 which female grease invitation
• 2 which 80s song invitations
• 3 easter egg hunt invitations
• 3 cause invitations
• 1 which jimmy buffett request

...and that's after having done an ass load of quizzes, shooters, pillow fights and "which one" invitations. I could probably pencil in a whole day each week just to do the requests on Facebook. Who created all this absurd craziness?

Why do I need to know that my Star Wars character is Princess Leia? WTF am I supposed to do with pretend drinks? If you're really my friend take me out and get me shit-faced! THAT'S a friend! If you want a pillow fight, invite me over for a real sleepover and we'll wail away with pillows all night. C'mon over to the pool and let's do a real water gun fight with super soakers. (You're going down!) If you want to give me a gift, I'd love a Coach bag, not faux farm animals. And if you have a Jimmy Buffett request, it had better come with real jello shooters and close-up seating for a real concert! Don't tease me on Facebook. I don't have that kind of time.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...WWJDate?

It's Tuesday, so it's time for a Terrific T-shirt! I have combed the blog-o-sphere for a headline that would be fabulous to sport on a t-shirt. And if you're wearing THIS shirt, you've got SERIOUS bragging rights:This awesome headline was written by Heather Cherry on her self-titled blog, and the thought of it on a t-shirt totally cracks me up! Heather, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like. Thanks for providing the laugh! If I were dating Jesus, I'd want everyone to know that Jesus was my man.

If anyone would like to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Thanks for reading along!

--Mom

Happy Father's Day

Wishing my main man, MacDaddy, and all the other dads out in blogland a fabulous Father's Day!

Have a beer on me! My treat.

5 for Friday...That's gross

The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Things That Gross Me Out. Ready? Because I think these are pretty grody...

5. Farts. I don't really need to explain that, do I?

4. Nasty toenails, in sandals, trotted out in public where God and everyone can see them. If feet are not cared for, they really need to be inside a shoe when near me.

3. Monkeys. I know I've alluded to it already, but I'll tell you why another day. Monkeys, to me, are nasty.

2. At the grocery store, I once saw a kid stick his hand down his pants, and then sniff his fingers. Next, he shoved his hand up in his sister's face. I nearly vomited. It was probably the most messed up thing I've *EVER* seen. I contemplated making this number one on my list.

But my number one gross out...

1. That super absorbent maxi pad that comes packaged under meat in it's Styrofoam tray. To me, it just screams SALMONELLA!! BOTCHULISM!! E COLI!!!

True story....I cooked that damn thing in the crock pot once. It was stuck to the bottom of a roast and I didn't realize it. ~gag~

What grosses you out??

--Mom

I'm a super hero

OK, so I'm coming clean on the whole exaggeration thing.

Exaggerating -- that's my schtick. Apparently my peeps think I've taken it to a whole new level, like, super hero exaggerating.

I like to announce that I'm hotter than the surface of 1,000 suns, or that my entire face is melting off... not just that I'm "too warm." When I'm cold, I'm not just "chilly" I'm more like the temperature of a frozen steak in a freezer of dry ice, ready to snap. When I'm tired, I like to say that I may not live through the day because I'm dying of life-threatening exhaustion. And speaking of dying, I like to announce that I'm dying of things on a regular basis. I die of random events, people who are idiots, unreal conversations, and strange circumstances DAILY. My exaggerations are legendary at my house. So much so, my family calls me "The Exaggerator"...an exaggerator of super hero strength! Hence, "Life...Exaggerated."

But I'm not the only person in the family who is a super hero. Oh no! Baby is known as "The Griper" because she can complain like nobody's business. The kid can BITCH! Seriously! I've never heard a four-year-old carrying on about things at great length like she can. A conversation or situation can end, and 25 minutes later, Baby will gripe about it some more. And the funny thing, she doesn't much care for other peoples' griping.

MacDaddy: "My back is sore again today from moving all that mulch."

Baby: "Are you still griping about that?"

To be fair to Baby though, MacDaddy is known as the "Nuclear Overreactor." He can get worked into a head-spinning frenzy about damn near anything, and Baby sometimes has no recourse but to call him on it. On a normal day, the things that get MacDaddy worked up are:

• Junk mail that tricks you into thinking its something important
• Getting too near the end of the coffee creamer without a back up bottle
• The grill getting wet if we accidentally leave the cover off in the rain
• An assortment of sports ridiculousnesses
• Democrats

No situation is too small for the Nuclear Overreactor to begin percolating! When we sense it, Bella and I like to make beeping danger sounds and shout, "He's gonna blow!"

Bella has dual super hero powers. She's ultra special. We call her "The Slobinator" for obvious reasons. She can trash a house faster than a speeding bullet. We don't know how she's able to clean her room so thoroughly, and within an hour, it's a shithole! It's not physically possible to destroy a room in the manner that she does, so we figure she must be super human. Bella's also known as "The Instigator." She is often the root cause of Baby's griping and my exaggerations and MacDaddy's overreacting. Bella has a wicked quick sense of humor, that often zings the remaining super heroes into action.

This is classic super hero action at my house:

Me (replacing the roll of paper towels): OMG, did I buy paper towels with cats on them? I must have been completely without my head when I grabbed that roll. I don't even like cats! I'm going to DIE of looking at these paper towels for the next week!! Why GOD?!

Bella: What, did the cat get your eyeballs? Here comes the rant about the price of stuff.

MacDaddy: You know what gets me? The rolls are smaller, but the price continues to go up. It's ridiculous! How much do manufacturers think a wad of ratty paper should cost?! Where is it going to end? Will we be spending $10 on a roll of paper towels with 5 sheets of paper some day?!

Baby (15 minutes later): We don't have cats, mom. Why did you get the paper towels with cats? We don't have cats. We have a dog. How come you didn't buy the towels with dogs?

So, do you have a special super power?

--Mom

What the hell is wrong with Brett Favre?

My husband is supposed to be the one with the sports blog, but today I need to say some stuff about Brett. I'm tired of hearing about him on the news. One season he's retiring, the next he's back. He's gone...then back. Gone...then back. Why can't he make up his mind? Someone needs to tell Brett to shit or get off the pot. He's making an ass of himself.

There, I said it. That is all.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday

Last Tuesday I wrote about headlines from my own blog that might be amusing as one-liners on T-shirts, a la CNN.com. I thought it would also be fun to start a regular Tuesday column called "Terrific T-shirt Tuesday" based on other blogger's headlines, and award the blog master their very own t-shirt. Cool, huh? So here it is, Tuesday again, so let's get to the funny.

For my first featured t-shirt, I would like award Stickman for his headline "P.S. I love you, Jackass." The article is entertaining, but the headline is what caught my attention. Who doesn't love a romantic sentiment that ends in "jackass"? I sure do!

So here you go, Stickman, your Terrific T-shirt!

Grab your T and upload it to your site if you'd like, and link back to Terrific T-shirt Tuesday.

Readers, have you seen a great headline on someone else's blog? Or have you written one of your very own? Post it in my comments box, or e-me with the link. I'll be on the look out for Terrific T-shirt nominees!

--Mom

People on crack should not build houses

We have these two locations in the house that are akin to the Bermuda Triangle.

The first is on the main level where the basement and powder room doors meet. Rather than better engineering the alcove into which you must go to both descend the basement stairs or...pee, the builders have forced us to forever fight with swinging doors. And lemme tell ya, the knobs on those two doors seem to bang together 24/7. And also, it seems that either of those doors is always open, ready to slam into your ass in a New York minute. Sometimes, the two knobs even get locked together into a power hold so fierce that you need to consult an expert in quantum physics in order to free them. So they can once again begin clanging.

See? Here they are now, duking it out for who will rule the open space in the Daily Battle of the Alcove Doors.
The other space from hell is upstairs in our bedroom where the master bath and closet doors come together to form a death trap. There are times when MacDaddy and I are in and out of the bathroom and/or closet at the same time and actually get stuck amongst the doors. It might seem like a touching romantic interlude, wedged between the doors, but because we're both so fucking sick of being trapped, the precious moments have long worn thin.

Oh no...it's got Baby!! What I want to know is, what kind of architectural jackassery is this? And on what planet did this seem like a genius move?! Did a high school intern build our house, or someone from The Laugh Factory? Because this is ridiculous! No one should be expected to endure this level of crazy.

So if anyone is keeping score, in my next house I need (a) hot neighbors and (b) doorknobs that don't piss me off.

What's bugging you at your house?

--Mom

I'm stylin' in headlines

Have you ever noticed on the CNN website that you can order t-shirts that highlight some of their daily news headlines?

I thought it would be fun to have some of my own blog headlines made into t-shirts. Wouldn't that be cool?! I've chosen several of my favorite headlines to consider sportin' around town. They are, in no particular order:

1. Picking Jon and Kate out of my teeth


2. Note to men: Wear clothes outside


3. If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on milk cartons


4. You're sticking that pencil...where?!


5. What the hell was I thinking?


6. 50 Things to Do Butt Naked

So, do you have a favorite headline that you'd like on a t-shirt of your own?!

--Mom