I'm a grown ass woman

I have a husband, a job, a home, a business, two cars and a dog. But the thing that's suddenly made me feel like an adult is that both my widely-spaced offspring are now in school. Truthfully, it makes me feel old as hell because I have feelings of overwhelmedness on opposite ends of the spectrum.

With Bella going to high school, I'm all "OMG, ONLY FOUR MORE YEARS LEFT!!!"

And with Baby, I'm all "OMG, WE'RE JUST NOW STARTING SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN!!!"

I know it all goes so quickly and one day I'll be sitting in my rocking chair wondering where my kids are, where period went and why my boobs are in my lap. I wish I could stop time right where it is. I need Superman to reverse the earth's rotation.

I'm wearing them. I promise.
But they're getting in a bunch.

--Mom

WTF Wednesday: ADD = aluminum deficit disorder?

Why don't my people know how to work tin foil? They're not clear on how plastic wrap is supposed to work either, as demonstrated by the occasional dry spots on the cheddar cheese. WTF?! Does this only happen at my house?

--Mom

5 for Friday...he's a girl's man

Bella has a boyfriend, Thomas, and he's totally smitten. He's willing to do all kinds of crazy girly stuff with her. All she has to do is say "pleeease" and flip her long red hair, and he's putty in her hands. So this week's 5 for Friday is titled..."5 Girly Things Bella's Boyfriend Has Done in the Last 2 Weeks."

In the last week Bella has gotten Thomas to:

5. Help bake brownies. They were good, all warm out of the oven with vanilla ice cream.

4. Hold her new tote bag in the mall so Bella could photograph it and phone-mail the pic to me. It's a cute bag from Aeropostale. Thomas looks lovely holding it.

3. Help bake hocolate chip cookies. Twice. OMG, the second round were some of the best cookies I've ever had. They didn't feel like doing much dough scooping, so they made larger-sized cookies. Yum! These ladies are pretty good cooks. (LOL)

2. Play hair salon. Bella wanted to see how Thomas looked with spikey hair, so he let her mousse the bejesus out of it. He drew the line at nail polish though. Smart dude.

1. Sing the female chorus of a rap duet. Thomas let's Bella rap Eminem's portion of "Love the Way You Lie" while he sings Rhianna's lyrics. It's a funny sight, but I gotta admit, Bella's pretty fly for a white girl from the 'burbs.



Some future Friday maybe I'll talk about all the manly man things Thomas has Bella doing at his house. (Hint: "Mom, Call of Duty is so stupid.")

WTF Wednesday...Bead Head edition

This falls into that category known as so ugly only a mother could love it...'cept not me. This little fabric guy is named Bed Head and appears to be the love child of Sock Monkey...

and the tribal voodoo doll from the movie "Trilogy of Terror."

The Etsy write up about him says that he's "patched together with various recycled fibers" (recycled from WHAT is what I'd like to know?) and his "belly has a stone from lake michigan inside" (I don't know why!) and "good wishes come from this." I have serious doubts about that though. In my opinion, I feel nightmares might come from this.

Even more troubling is that this dude seems to have a girlfriend...

But the most disturbing quality about our pal Bed Head, is his price tag -- $295! WTF?!

--Mom

FOR SALE: A virtual freakshow

The other day I was checking out boats on craigslist. While clicking around, I found a link called "best-of-craigslist." And wow, I am so glad I did. I was up unnecessarily early one morning and I managed to pass the time with some bargain hunting.

Just check out some of this high quality stuff for sale. Aren't you in the market for any of this amazing merchandise?

• 1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104
• Spacious Studio Igloo
• Sea Monkeys
• 100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream
• Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk
• Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
• Republican governor for sale
• bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts

There are also "items wanted" and "in-search-of" ads that sound really swell. Such a shame that these have all expired. Shucks! There are hundreds of really humorous sexual ads and slams against ex-wives and ex-boyfriends but I want you to be surprised when you click through for yourself. But peruse some of these winners...

• Looking for a beard mentor
• Penis Measuring
• Tune Your God Damn Piano
• Thanks For Shitting Your Pants
• No More Sex With Fruit
• Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.
• To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night
• Man-Servant Needed
• To the Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet
• Bong Operations Engineer
• To the Women Who Performed my Vasectomy
• Body Dumping Location Available
• I Puked in Your Purse
• Wingman for Rent-cheap!
• Lost: Self Confidence
• dear girls snorting coke in the bathroom - w4m
• Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m
• Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w
• Michael Jackson rant

One of the ads that cracked me is a simple ditty titled, WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument. It reads...

Have some instruments (pianos, trumpets, guitars, hurdy-guydys) that you need to get rid of? I will take these off of your hands, and in return you will receive a solid High Five. I have been told that my high fives are top-notch, so this is a very good deal. I will take just about any bass, flute, mandolin, violin, tuba, what have you...I am not picky. So hit me up with an awesome email and let's strike a deal. Local deals only. No traveling to high-five you. Low Fives also, though they aren't as satisfying.

Amen to that! Everyone knows low fives suck. Hey, check out the visual on the high five that dude posted. That is one amazing looking fiver! I almost want to give him a jingle and offer up a plastic harmonica or a kazoo just to give that five a whirl. Don't you agree?!

Another stunning bit of literary prose was written by a self-proclaimed Port-a-Potty technician who penned the informational manual "Using a Port-a-Potty." It's a classic, and a must-read for all. I won't spoil it by giving away any of the great port-a-potty tips. Just check it out for yourself.

Before I forget, here's the link to the best-of-craiglist. Scroll through. You won't be sorry. I pinky promise!

--Mom

5 for Friday...wacky school supplies

Yesterday I did school supply shopping with Bella and Baby, so today's 5 for Friday is going to be about the return to school and the "5 strangest things I've ever seen on my childrens' school supply list." So here goes...

5. One box of gallon baggies and one box of two-gallon baggies. I assumed it would be for bringing projects home, but I never saw a single one of those baggies ever come back home. So, what was the purpose? Let's do a little math...

12 two-gallon baggies + 20 gallon bags = 32 bags x 25 kids = 800 baggies.

Wow. That's an ass load of baggies. Is she dealing weed?

4. 12 Elmer's glue sticks, not purple. Ok first, why not purple? Everyone knows it dries clear, so what's the big deal? And twelve?! Let's do some more math...

12 glue sticks x 25 kids = 300 glue sticks.

Raise your hand if you think 250 of those sticks are going to be dry as a bone by Christmas?

3. 2 blue folders, 2 red folders, 2 yellow folders, 2 green folders. All with pockets and brads; smooth cover, not plastic; no business card slots. Wow, that's some pretty specific supply requesting. Talk about stress! Must...get...the...right...kind...

2. Alpha Bits cereal. Really? The kids are going to spell with it, or glue it onto projects? Uh-huh. How about NOT. I knew full well that they're going to EAT it by the handfuls, because that's what kids do. And the thought of kids touching each others' Alpha Bits cereal freaks me right the fuck out. I don't know what year Bella needed it, but I'm sure it was the year that she was sick a lot. From touching and eating each other's germs. Here are some Alpha Bit letters for the teacher that requested that... D.U.M.B.A.S.S.

1. Shaving cream. That was back when Bella was in 2nd grade and my original thought, which still stands today: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT?! How stoned and/or stupid do you have to be to want a room full of 7 years olds with shaving cream?! And for what purpose?! Why not just ask for silly string? Or a big bucket of mud?

So tell me, have you had any crazy items on your kids' school supply list? Or is it just me?

--Mom

Cool! Slim Jims are on sale!

That's one of those bizarre statements I never dreamed I'd utter. But I did, the other day in the grocery store. My family LOVES those little sticks of of salt and God-knows-what. And they were on sale, 2 for $5. Or whatever. So I bought 'em.

Does your family have any weird vices?

--Mom

I'm back. Where's my parade?

I've been wanting to come back for awhile now, but I keep getting caught up in other obligations -- work, schooling, kid stuff, husband's business stuff, Board of Director stuff. But I have too much shit in my head that needs to come out, and only so many people in my real life who are willing to listen to my daily musings, bitchings, rants and exaggerations. So, I'm back!

And you know what else? Too many people in my real life started reading my blog. It's my husband's fault. He started blabbing about it at work, and the next thing I knew, people were reading it and talking about it and it wasn't anonymous anymore and that freaked me out a bit. I'm cool with strangers reading all my weird shit, but not everyone I know. (Yeah, I know how weird that is.) In the meantime, my husband left the job where everyone was hanging on my every word, and eventually people saw that I wasn't blogging anymore, so I think I've given them the slip. Our town isn't that small, but damn, talk about people being all up in my business! (And if they are reading...hey guys! Don't be pissed. OK?! LOL)

Anyway, back to me. I've noticed that I probably need to redecorate. I used to like the juxtaposition of the prissy dots and zebra print, but now I'm not so sure. I may need to re-think my theme.

So stand by. And thanks for reading!

--Mom

How's YOUR driving?

I don't know if you've seen this YouTube video or not. It seems to be making the rounds via email. It's not like me to post this kind of thing, but if you haven't checked it out, you must. And make your teenage drivers watch it out also! It is the most powerful safe-driving message I've ever seen. I think all driver's ed classes should run it--over and over and over. And I think all auto dealers should make their customers watch it before they drive off the lot.

It is tough to watch, but DO IT!




As school starts up again and the holiday weekend approaches, please listen to Mom and drive safely!

--Mom

Something with booze went unconsumed? WTF?

Yesterday, while looking for something other than chicken to pull from the freezer (see yesterday's post about having an ass load of chicken in the freezer), I grabbed a foil-wrapped object that was neatly labeled, "1/2 rum cake."

Half a rum cake? In the freezer? (I know, right?!)

Lemme tell ya, I'm really puzzled by this. When did we even have a rum cake? And who the fuck freezes HALF a rum cake? (Me, obviously.) What I want to know is, why couldn't MacDaddy and I manage to polish off a whole rum cake? What kind of wusses are we? Frankly, it doesn't even sound like us, not to finish a cake of ANY sort. I'm mean, IT'S CAKE. And this was a RUM CAKE! I'm almost embarrassed to talk about having a half a rum cake in the freezer.

I admit though, I'm interested to see how it tastes, because of course I set it out on the counter to defrost. I'm excited to see what flavor it is. And if it's edible! And if it's not edible, could it be...with some added rum to freshen it up?!

The more I think about it...I'm starting to feel a little smug. *I* have half a rum cake! I know what I'm eating after dinner tonight. Ha!

--Mom