Psssst, wanna see a steel erection?

Ha! Made ya look!

MacDaddy and I erected this canopy and bug netting yesterday. It's in lieu of a screened porch or a sunroom. We've been thinking about either for our deck, but have decided to get a boat instead. So, this is our compromise. And guess what? We love it! We wish we'd erected one years ago when they first became backyard vogue.

Now that I've put the word "erection" into my headline, I can hardly *wait* to see my search stats. Pervs!

So, did I fool you? LOL

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...it's putrid

Hey gang, it's Tuesday! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I surf the 'net for a groovy headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. Check out this one by Em at "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit..."

This was a great headline, and would be an equally great t-shirt. Just like Justin Timberlake's song "I'm Bringing Sexy Back"... letting people know that you're bringin' on the putrid will definitely get you laid! (Not! LOL) Em, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post. Enjoy and thanks for the funny!

--Mom

5 for Friday...Independence Day

Hey everyone! It's the weekend again--and a holiday at that--so it's time for my Friday list. The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Reasons I Love the 4th of July.

5. This is the greatest country on the planet! Sure we have our fair share of problems, issues and assholes, but we've got all those rights and freedoms to balance it out. A lot of lives were lost in the American Revolution to get us these freedoms.

4. Swimming. I'm always around water on the 4th of July. As a kid, the holiday was spent camping and whitewater rafting, or at my grandparent's house on Long Island. As I got older, the 4th was spent at my parent's summer place on the river, now it's at the pool. I adore the water!

3. Fireworks! I love them as much now as I did when I was a child. My favorites are the ones that burst into a big crackly dome and then produce swirly spinners that fall toward earth. I can't wait to oooooh and aaaaaah!

2. Booze. Need I say more?

1. Food! It's the quintessential barbecue day. Burger, hotdogs, chops, steaks, chicken, sausages--you name it! Plus, watermelon, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pie and cake...I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.

So I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend!
Have a cocktail and a burger and enjoy the day.

What is it about the 4th that you enjoy?

--Mom

A big hairy deal

Something must be wrong in my subconscious, because I recently had TWO dreams about shaving. Shaving badly, to be precise! I must be secretly worried that I'm not doing right.

The first dream centered around a patch of hair I'd apparently missed for, like, 30 years. The spot was on my right leg, approximately 3 inches around, just above my outer ankle bone. It was long and bushy, like pubes, down near my ankle. HOW could I have missed that my whole adult life? I was horrified in my dream. I remembering thinking that EVERYONE must have seen that nasty shit, and NO ONE told me! Not even my own husband! WTF?

Within a day or two I dreamt about a wad of hair under my left arm inside my bra strap. There it was, a shrub of hair branching out from inside my bra! Had I been to the pool in a swimming suit with that scary stuff?! AND the patch down by my ankle? Jesus, what must the neighbors think of me?! How could I have possibly missed that while shaving? And when did I become such a hairy Sasquatch?

I really hope I don't have any more hairy dreams. They're quite unsettling, and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid. That amount of hairy is decidedly NOT sexy.

What do you suppose it all means?

--Mom

My foul-mouthed child

Baby needs to have her mouth washed out with soap. Check this out!

Me: Baby, you need to go put your pajamas on. It's almost time for bed.

Baby: But I'm playing with my ponies.

Me: Now! Go get in your jammies.

Baby (stomps off): God dammit.

~gasp~ Can you believe it? WTF?

I know, I know....the hypocrisy.

Do you have a funny story about your foul-mouthed child?

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...giddyup!

Hey everyone, it's Tuesday again! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I thoroughly comb the 'net for a fab headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. What do you guys think of this one?

Today's headline is courtesy of Jeff Tompkins, the world itself is a satire. Jeff sounds like my kinda guy, because most country music makes me want to rip my ears off and stomp on them. Yee haw! Thanks, Jeff! Grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.

If anyone would care to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Y'all come back now, ya hear?!

--Mom

To boat or not to boat?

Boat: (bōt) noun. A hole in the water
into which all money is thrown.

But man, I want one! I want my own money-sucking hole!

We went boating yesterday with some friends from my husband's work, and it was a blast. The weather wasn't perfect, but the company sure was. I think MacDaddy and I are hooked. We're like boat crack addicts. It's all we think about. We can't wait to get our next fix. We're exhibiting boat-seeking behavior, and we'll ask anyone where we can score a boat. We say we can quit, but we really don't want to. We'll surely need a 12-step program so that it doesn't take over our lives.

Here are 10 things I learned whilst boating:

1. Flip flops are not boating shoes.


2. You don't "park" out in the water, you "anchor."


3. If you can't figure out how to tie your boat to the dock so that it doesn't float way, you probably shouldn't get a boat.


4. If you don't drink beer, you definitely shouldn't get a boat.


5. If you can't *wait* to get back on the boat, you probably should get a boat.


6. If you're fussy about your hair, you don't belong on a boat.


7. The bathroom is not called the bathroom. It's the "head." And men seem to dig it when you talk about "head."


8. The kitchen is not the kitchen, it's the galley. And it's main purpose is to hold...the beer.


9. Don't fuck around on radio channel 16, it's for the Coast Guard, and they'll kick your ass if you fuck around on it.


10. Boating doesn't suck!

So, anyone know where I can score a boat? C'mon man, help a gal out!

--Mom

I need to gripe

About what might I need to gripe, you wonder? I'll tell you.

ASSHOLE PARENTS.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm on the neighborhood swim team board, and that I really enjoy it.

Well, I've hit the portion of the season that I had forgotten about since last year. The part where parents have nothing but complaints. *DAILY* I field emails from parents bitching about this or that rule, this or that team request, blah blah blah. I'm ready to bitch slap every damn one of them!

So I've penned an open letter to the parents on my swim team. I think you'll like it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear asshole parents:

Listen up motherfuckers! When you join a team, you are expected to help out. That's the way it is with kids' sports. And when you come to the pool, you need your fucking POOL PASS. Don't email me and whine that "sometimes they're forgotten or misplaced." Because you know what? I don't give a shit. It's the pool, you need a pool pass. What don't you fucktards understand about that?! And also, don't tell me you "just want to watch your daughter race" when it's time to sign up for volunteer jobs at meets. Because you know what? ME TOO! We all want to see our kids race, but we all need to work it to make it happen. And when you don't get the right suit for Little Johnny, whine to the vendor, not me. Let me make this as clear as possible...I DO NOT MAKE THE FUCKING SUITS. And when it's time to clean up after the meets, don't even bother telling me that you "need to get home" because we ALL need to get home. None of us live at the pool, you jackasses. The faster we get this done, the faster we can ALL get home, and I won't need to crawl up your ass. And when you can't fulfill the job you've volunteered to do, don't make it my fucking problem. Find your own replacement. So when your job is to get Friday morning donuts, and you can't fucking handle it, don't make it MY problem the night prior. I'm on the Board to oversee the running of the team; I am not the donut bitch. And if you want to gripe that you didn't know there were practices on Friday, you might want to try clicking that link on our website that says "PRACTICE SCHEDULE" you lazy imbecile!

So, are we clear now? GOOD! Use some common fucking sense before emailing me with complaints. That is all.

Love, Mom
Your Perky Swim Team Board Member

P.S. Stay off the coach's ass, too. It's his job to coach, not to listen to you whiny douche bags.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel much better. Thanks for listening! Now I can probably get through the day without ripping into anyone. Hopefully.

--Mom

5 for Friday...this is my jam

Woohoo! It's Friday again!

The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....5 songs that make me sing like a rock star when I'm alone in the car.

Really there are hundreds of tunes that make me sing like a rock star, but I had to choose 5, so these are some from the past few days.

5. "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morrisette. (The unedited version, of course.) I love the bitter anger that oozes from this song. Such a stress reliever to belt out this one in the car at top volume!

4. "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Anyone who *doesn't* want to shout "hey, hey, mama, said the way you move gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove" isn't quite right in my book.

3. "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. This is a classic for anyone who's wanted revenge on a troublesome neighbor or hateful co-worker. And just for kicks, it's fun to sing the mis-heard lyrics..."Dirty Deeds and the thunder chief." LOL

2. "And the Cradle Will Rock" by Van Halen. Seriously, have you seen junior's grades? They're appalling! But the guitar riffs are amazing.

1. "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolph. The title says it all, so I let it rock in the car, just as loud as I can. Because you know what I wish? I wish I could be as cool as you.

Now, don't let me be the only dork admitting that I sing like a rock star in my car! What makes YOU jam when no one is looking?!

--Mom

Crazy Facebookery

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

I like connecting with friends from my past, but I'm completely weirded out by the games and invitations that people send me. Who the hell has enough time in the day to accept all the water gun fights, Easter egg hunts, cocktails and quiz requests?! Currently sitting in my cue are:

• 1 friend suggestion
• 4 friend requests
• 1 view stephen's hug request
• 1 tweety bird mania request
• 2 classmate requests
• 3 growing up denver gifts
• 2 what your name says invitations
• 4 how well do you know invitations
• 3 farm town requests
• 1 james's birthday request
• 8 pass a round invitations
• 7 water gun fight! requests
• 1 which female grease invitation
• 2 which 80s song invitations
• 3 easter egg hunt invitations
• 3 cause invitations
• 1 which jimmy buffett request

...and that's after having done an ass load of quizzes, shooters, pillow fights and "which one" invitations. I could probably pencil in a whole day each week just to do the requests on Facebook. Who created all this absurd craziness?

Why do I need to know that my Star Wars character is Princess Leia? WTF am I supposed to do with pretend drinks? If you're really my friend take me out and get me shit-faced! THAT'S a friend! If you want a pillow fight, invite me over for a real sleepover and we'll wail away with pillows all night. C'mon over to the pool and let's do a real water gun fight with super soakers. (You're going down!) If you want to give me a gift, I'd love a Coach bag, not faux farm animals. And if you have a Jimmy Buffett request, it had better come with real jello shooters and close-up seating for a real concert! Don't tease me on Facebook. I don't have that kind of time.

--Mom