Life...EXAGGERATED

I'm a grown ass woman

2010-09-02T20:04:00.009-04:00

I have a husband, a job, a home, a business, two cars and a dog. But the thing that's suddenly made me feel like an adult is that both my widely-spaced offspring are now in school. Truthfully, it makes me feel old as hell because I have feelings of overwhelmedness on opposite ends of the spectrum.

With Bella going to high school, I'm all "OMG, ONLY FOUR MORE YEARS LEFT!!!"

And with Baby, I'm all "OMG, WE'RE JUST NOW STARTING SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN!!!"

I know it all goes so quickly and one day I'll be sitting in my rocking chair wondering where my kids are, where period went and why my boobs are in my lap. I wish I could stop time right where it is. I need Superman to reverse the earth's rotation.

I'm wearing them. I promise.
But they're getting in a bunch.

--Mom

WTF Wednesday: ADD = aluminum deficit disorder?

2010-09-01T00:30:00.002-04:00

Why don't my people know how to work tin foil? They're not clear on how plastic wrap is supposed to work either, as demonstrated by the occasional dry spots on the cheddar cheese. WTF?! Does this only happen at my house?

--Mom

5 for Friday...he's a girl's man

2010-08-27T00:01:00.004-04:00

Bella has a boyfriend, Thomas, and he's totally smitten. He's willing to do all kinds of crazy girly stuff with her. All she has to do is say "pleeease" and flip her long red hair, and he's putty in her hands. So this week's 5 for Friday is titled..."5 Girly Things Bella's Boyfriend Has Done in the Last 2 Weeks."

In the last week Bella has gotten Thomas to:

5. Help bake brownies. They were good, all warm out of the oven with vanilla ice cream.

4. Hold her new tote bag in the mall so Bella could photograph it and phone-mail the pic to me. It's a cute bag from Aeropostale. Thomas looks lovely holding it.

3. Help bake hocolate chip cookies. Twice. OMG, the second round were some of the best cookies I've ever had. They didn't feel like doing much dough scooping, so they made larger-sized cookies. Yum! These ladies are pretty good cooks. (LOL)

2. Play hair salon. Bella wanted to see how Thomas looked with spikey hair, so he let her mousse the bejesus out of it. He drew the line at nail polish though. Smart dude.

1. Sing the female chorus of a rap duet. Thomas let's Bella rap Eminem's portion of "Love the Way You Lie" while he sings Rhianna's lyrics. It's a funny sight, but I gotta admit, Bella's pretty fly for a white girl from the 'burbs.

Some future Friday maybe I'll talk about all the manly man things Thomas has Bella doing at his house. (Hint: "Mom, Call of Duty is so stupid.")

WTF Wednesday...Bead Head edition

2010-08-25T00:01:00.002-04:00

This falls into that category known as so ugly only a mother could love it...'cept not me. This little fabric guy is named Bed Head and appears to be the love child of Sock Monkey...

and the tribal voodoo doll from the movie "Trilogy of Terror."

The Etsy write up about him says that he's "patched together with various recycled fibers" (recycled from WHAT is what I'd like to know?) and his "belly has a stone from lake michigan inside" (I don't know why!) and "good wishes come from this." I have serious doubts about that though. In my opinion, I feel nightmares might come from this.

Even more troubling is that this dude seems to have a girlfriend...

But the most disturbing quality about our pal Bed Head, is his price tag -- $295! WTF?!

--Mom

FOR SALE: A virtual freakshow

2010-08-23T23:55:00.007-04:00

The other day I was checking out boats on craigslist. While clicking around, I found a link called "best-of-craigslist." And wow, I am so glad I did. I was up unnecessarily early one morning and I managed to pass the time with some bargain hunting.

Just check out some of this high quality stuff for sale. Aren't you in the market for any of this amazing merchandise?

1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104
Spacious Studio Igloo
Sea Monkeys
100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream
Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk
Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Republican governor for sale
bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts

There are also "items wanted" and "in-search-of" ads that sound really swell. Such a shame that these have all expired. Shucks! There are hundreds of really humorous sexual ads and slams against ex-wives and ex-boyfriends but I want you to be surprised when you click through for yourself. But peruse some of these winners...

Looking for a beard mentor
Penis Measuring
Tune Your God Damn Piano
Thanks For Shitting Your Pants
No More Sex With Fruit
Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.
To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night
Man-Servant Needed
To the Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet
Bong Operations Engineer
To the Women Who Performed my Vasectomy
Body Dumping Location Available
I Puked in Your Purse
Wingman for Rent-cheap!
Lost: Self Confidence
dear girls snorting coke in the bathroom - w4m
Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m
Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w
Michael Jackson rant

One of the ads that cracked me is a simple ditty titled, WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument. It reads...

Have some instruments (pianos, trumpets, guitars, hurdy-guydys) that you need to get rid of? I will take these off of your hands, and in return you will receive a solid High Five. I have been told that my high fives are top-notch, so this is a very good deal. I will take just about any bass, flute, mandolin, violin, tuba, what have you...I am not picky. So hit me up with an awesome email and let's strike a deal. Local deals only. No traveling to high-five you. Low Fives also, though they aren't as satisfying.

Amen to that! Everyone knows low fives suck. Hey, check out the visual on the high five that dude posted. That is one amazing looking fiver! I almost want to give him a jingle and offer up a plastic harmonica or a kazoo just to give that five a whirl. Don't you agree?!

Another stunning bit of literary prose was written by a self-proclaimed Port-a-Potty technician who penned the informational manual "Using a Port-a-Potty." It's a classic, and a must-read for all. I won't spoil it by giving away any of the great port-a-potty tips. Just check it out for yourself.

Before I forget, here's the link to the best-of-craiglist. Scroll through. You won't be sorry. I pinky promise!

--Mom

5 for Friday...wacky school supplies

2010-08-20T09:27:00.008-04:00

Yesterday I did school supply shopping with Bella and Baby, so today's 5 for Friday is going to be about the return to school and the "5 strangest things I've ever seen on my childrens' school supply list." So here goes...

5. One box of gallon baggies and one box of two-gallon baggies. I assumed it would be for bringing projects home, but I never saw a single one of those baggies ever come back home. So, what was the purpose? Let's do a little math...

12 two-gallon baggies + 20 gallon bags = 32 bags x 25 kids = 800 baggies.

Wow. That's an ass load of baggies. Is she dealing weed?

4. 12 Elmer's glue sticks, not purple. Ok first, why not purple? Everyone knows it dries clear, so what's the big deal? And twelve?! Let's do some more math...

12 glue sticks x 25 kids = 300 glue sticks.

Raise your hand if you think 250 of those sticks are going to be dry as a bone by Christmas?

3. 2 blue folders, 2 red folders, 2 yellow folders, 2 green folders. All with pockets and brads; smooth cover, not plastic; no business card slots. Wow, that's some pretty specific supply requesting. Talk about stress! Must...get...the...right...kind...

2. Alpha Bits cereal. Really? The kids are going to spell with it, or glue it onto projects? Uh-huh. How about NOT. I knew full well that they're going to EAT it by the handfuls, because that's what kids do. And the thought of kids touching each others' Alpha Bits cereal freaks me right the fuck out. I don't know what year Bella needed it, but I'm sure it was the year that she was sick a lot. From touching and eating each other's germs. Here are some Alpha Bit letters for the teacher that requested that... D.U.M.B.A.S.S.

1. Shaving cream. That was back when Bella was in 2nd grade and my original thought, which still stands today: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT?! How stoned and/or stupid do you have to be to want a room full of 7 years olds with shaving cream?! And for what purpose?! Why not just ask for silly string? Or a big bucket of mud?

So tell me, have you had any crazy items on your kids' school supply list? Or is it just me?

--Mom

Cool! Slim Jims are on sale!

2010-08-18T16:35:00.005-04:00

That's one of those bizarre statements I never dreamed I'd utter. But I did, the other day in the grocery store. My family LOVES those little sticks of of salt and God-knows-what. And they were on sale, 2 for $5. Or whatever. So I bought 'em.

Does your family have any weird vices?

--Mom

I'm back. Where's my parade?

2010-08-18T04:34:00.005-04:00

I've been wanting to come back for awhile now, but I keep getting caught up in other obligations -- work, schooling, kid stuff, husband's business stuff, Board of Director stuff. But I have too much shit in my head that needs to come out, and only so many people in my real life who are willing to listen to my daily musings, bitchings, rants and exaggerations. So, I'm back!

And you know what else? Too many people in my real life started reading my blog. It's my husband's fault. He started blabbing about it at work, and the next thing I knew, people were reading it and talking about it and it wasn't anonymous anymore and that freaked me out a bit. I'm cool with strangers reading all my weird shit, but not everyone I know. (Yeah, I know how weird that is.) In the meantime, my husband left the job where everyone was hanging on my every word, and eventually people saw that I wasn't blogging anymore, so I think I've given them the slip. Our town isn't that small, but damn, talk about people being all up in my business! (And if they are reading...hey guys! Don't be pissed. OK?! LOL)

Anyway, back to me. I've noticed that I probably need to redecorate. I used to like the juxtaposition of the prissy dots and zebra print, but now I'm not so sure. I may need to re-think my theme.

So stand by. And thanks for reading!

--Mom

How's YOUR driving?

2009-08-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

I don't know if you've seen this YouTube video or not. It seems to be making the rounds via email. It's not like me to post this kind of thing, but if you haven't checked it out, you must. And make your teenage drivers watch it out also! It is the most powerful safe-driving message I've ever seen. I think all driver's ed classes should run it--over and over and over. And I think all auto dealers should make their customers watch it before they drive off the lot.

It is tough to watch, but DO IT!

As school starts up again and the holiday weekend approaches, please listen to Mom and drive safely!

--Mom

Something with booze went unconsumed? WTF?

2009-08-29T10:41:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, while looking for something other than chicken to pull from the freezer (see yesterday's post about having an ass load of chicken in the freezer), I grabbed a foil-wrapped object that was neatly labeled, "1/2 rum cake."

Half a rum cake? In the freezer? (I know, right?!)

Lemme tell ya, I'm really puzzled by this. When did we even have a rum cake? And who the fuck freezes HALF a rum cake? (Me, obviously.) What I want to know is, why couldn't MacDaddy and I manage to polish off a whole rum cake? What kind of wusses are we? Frankly, it doesn't even sound like us, not to finish a cake of ANY sort. I'm mean, IT'S CAKE. And this was a RUM CAKE! I'm almost embarrassed to talk about having a half a rum cake in the freezer.

I admit though, I'm interested to see how it tastes, because of course I set it out on the counter to defrost. I'm excited to see what flavor it is. And if it's edible! And if it's not edible, could it be...with some added rum to freshen it up?!

The more I think about it...I'm starting to feel a little smug. *I* have half a rum cake! I know what I'm eating after dinner tonight. Ha!

--Mom

5 for Friday...BOGO

2009-08-28T03:06:00.003-04:00

It's Friday, so you know what that means! Time for my "5 for Friday."

I love making lists and today's list is...five things I've purchased way too much of during my grocery store's buy one/get one free sales.

5) Sweet Baby Ray's spicy barbecue sauce. This is our favorite BBQ sauce, and when it's on sale we like to stock up for the summer. We likes us some Sweet Baby Ray on the grill with chicken and pork! It's the perfect combination of sweet and spicy. We have 4 bottles of Ray in the pantry.

4) Boneless skinless chicken breasts. There are exactly 5 bags of frozen chicken in my freezer. Chicken of some variety is generally my fall-back meal, and how can I fall back onto it if there isn't any?!

3) Laundry detergent. I current have 6 detergents. SIX! Christ, how dirty do I think our clothes are? Who needs 6 detergents?!

2) Capri Sun. There are 7 cartons in the basement for Bella's school lunches. I'm afraid the grocery store will call and tell me they need some Capri Suns to sell.

1) Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. I hate to admit it, but we possess 8 boxes of OCPs. Hey, they're lunch snacks! Don't judge me. And keep your hands off! Nobody doesn't like a Little Debbie. That bitch can make a prepackaged snack cake like nobody's business! I could probably open a Little Debbie snack cake stand down on the corner and put that little lemonade-selling kid outta business in about 7 minutes. People would come from miles to grab a Little Debbie.

So tell me, what do you tend to over-buy when it's on sale? C'mon, I know there's *something*! Fess up.

--Mom

My life sucks

2009-08-27T03:16:00.002-04:00

Bella is on vacation with her BFF for two weeks and that leaves ME to empty the dishwasher. And I HATE emptying the damn dishwasher.

In my dream house I'm going to have two dishwashers. I'm going to use the clean dishes from the first dishwasher and put them into the second dishwasher after using them. Then I can run that load, and then reverse the dish using plan. Doesn't that sound grand?

--Mom

Break out the bubbly!

2009-08-26T17:31:00.009-04:00

Hello bloggers! I'm back from vacation and back on the 'net. With some good news, no less.

Do you remember that big state exam I had to take back in July? (If you didn't know, I had to take a big state exam back in July.) I studied my ass ass off, and guess what?

I PASSED!

Woohoo! Thanks for your well wishes. They helped. :-)

--Mom

Nick Nolte and I are soul mates

2009-08-09T23:34:00.004-04:00

This is what I look like every damn time I get off the boat. Not wasted like Nick. But I am a windblown mess. Purdy, huh?

--Mom

Being "green" by going yellow

2009-08-08T11:59:00.009-04:00

I recently read and article titled "Brazilian environmentalists tell residents to urinate in shower to save water." Have you heard about this?

Essentially, the article urges people to take their...urges...into the shower, thereby saving a significant amount of water by not flushing. And I'm here to tell you that the United States has LONG been on the cutting edge of shower urination and has indeed been a world superpower in this regard.

I know this for a fact!

When I was at party in college, the topic of peeing in the shower came up in conversation. (Drunken conversation, albeit conversation nonetheless.) And a whopping 100% of the men surveyed admitted to peeing in the shower. 100%! That's an amazing amount of men who had already gone green with yellow back in the '80s. And who knew they were saving the rain forest even back then? Way to go men! Keep up the good work. The rain forest thanks you.

Just...watch out for your feet.

--Mom

5 for Friday...Baby said what?

2009-08-07T19:36:00.008-04:00

It's Friday! One of my very favorite days of the week, and I have prepared another "5 for Friday" for your viewing pleasure. Today's theme..."My 5 favorite Baby One-liners."

Both my children crack me up on a daily basis. This witty repartee comes straight from Baby's mouth to my keyboard...

5) "Tater tots are the bomb!" Yes, yes they are, Baby! That crispy crust gently snuggled around the soft potato-y goodness. Mmmmm! What's NOT to love?

4) "This is the worst day of my life." She declared the worst day recently when it was time to leave the playground. (The nerve of me.) If that's as bad as it gets, then life is pretty good in Baby Land!

3) "God dammit." I don't know where she got that foul mouth from. (See post on the matter.) :-/

<------- 2) "Do you want this face to come to you?" I don't know exactly what it means, but I think you've fucked up pretty badly if you're the recipient of *that* face.

1) "It smells like God upstairs." Seriously? God? Huh. I didn't know what God smelled like until I went up to investigate. (Did God just use the bathroom? Did he spray perfume? What?) As it turned out, God had been using hair products. Shampoo, conditioner and hairspray to be exact. Take my word for it, God smells nice!

What are some funny things out of the mouths of your babes?

--Mom

I'm back on top of the world!

2009-08-06T06:53:00.012-04:00

OK, so yesterday I was bitching about (the possibility of!) being middle aged. See post below. Well, I think I've found a way to feel young and sexy well into my middle-agedness. Going to the grocery store late at night! Uh-huh, that's right, the grocery store.

Sometimes I like to go in the evenings to pick up snacks for the teen sleepovers or ice cream or Porcelana Fade Cream. Whilst there last night, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of ego boosting. Have you seen the late-night crowd? Men! ALLLL men. (OK, drunk men. Don't judge me...)

When I was picking up popcorn, two men passed me by and nodded that "how you doin'?" chin nod. While I was looking for soda, one dude belched a little and said "Howdy!" After I checked out and headed toward the door, another fine gentleman hiked up his drawers to cover his crack and suggested I "have a nice evenin'."

Man, I must have had it goin' on last night! I am SO ditching that MORE magazine and hitting the grocery store in the evenings. MacDaddy is sort of against it, but I think he might fear the competition. But...who's with me?! Who needs a late-night grocery store ego boost? Anyone? Anyone?

--Mom

Please tell me I'm not "middle aged!"

2009-08-05T12:06:00.011-04:00

I was sitting in the dentist's office recently with Bella, who was in for a cleaning, and I picked up a magazine I'd never seen before. "MORE" was the name of the magazine, and its target audience is women over 40.

I thought to myself, "Hey, that's me! I'm over 40." And then I thought, "FUCK, that's ME. I'M over 40!" And I sank into a depression. I'm over 40. I've been over 40 for several years. What happened to my 20s? Where did my 30s go? How did I get here...over 40? It sucks and don't like it one bit. And as it turned out, I didn't like the magazine aimed at my peeps either. It was a little frightening to me. Check out some of the articles on its website this month...

"The Best Summer Tunics Under $100." A couple of things bug me about this... (A) Who the hell needs a tunic in summertime? It's hot out! For me, the less clothes, the better. (B) Who spends $100 on a tunic anyway? (C) The word tunic makes me cringe, so I don't want one at any price. It makes me think "old lady shirt" and I can't handle that! Which brings me to (D) Who the fuck said women over 40 need to wear tunics?!

"Why Middle-Aged Lovers Have More Fun in Bed." Ugh. Am I middle aged at 40-something?! And if so, do I need to up my game in the sack? I'd better trot on over to Cosmo and check out the "14 Sex Moves You've Never Heard Of" or the "75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves." If I'm going to have more fun in bed, I want it to be crazy hot and unheard of!

"Menopause and Your Looks." I'd rather not know what menopause is going to do to me or my looks. I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll be fighting it with lotions, potions, cosmetics and hairspray. And maybe some liposuction, or a boob lift. We'll see how it goes.

"10 Great Jobs for Midlife Women." There we go with the middle aged shit again! It's like torture to read and consider. And the jobs are a number of high-profile, high-experience positions, like Chief Environmental Officer. Mmmm-k! Don't I need to be some type of subordinate environmental officer first? And then there's Genetics Counselor. Seriously? I can do that? Even though I don't know anything about genetics? Or counselling? OK, sign me up!

I was excited to see the link "Anti-Aging" because I thought, whew, finally some good stuff! And do you know what I found? "My Bladder Makeover." Jesus, I don't even know what to say about that. I'm sure the article has something to do with almost peeing your pants when you sneeze and doing Kegel exercises to combat leakage.

"My Divorce Tale" and "Quickie Divorce, Ranch Style" and "Single Again, Now What?" don't sound very uplifting. (Note to self: Re-read the aforementioned Cosmo articles.)

I thought "Weekend Fashion Essentials" might be a perky, upbeat article but the first essential was an ugly purse followed by a broken image of a pair of must-have sandals. Now I'm pissed that I won't know if I really do need the sandals.

The link for "Health" provided some of the scariest shit I dared to read. Breast cancer, pregnancy over 40, heart disease, mental health, osteoporosis...

MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!

I'm sure MORE magazine means well, and that they have a ton of subscribers, but man, I just don't know if it's for me. What do they even mean by "more"? More what?! More frightening shit about aging than you've ever imagined?!

I am going into "middle age" kicking and screaming; I am NOT aging gracefully, that's for sure. I wear a toe ring. I want to pierce my belly button. I drink and I swear. I lie about my age. I adore lip gloss, and lots of it. I drive a red Mustang. I stay on top of the latest technology. I listen to hip hop to maintain my street cred. Where is the devil when I need him? I need to make a deal! I don't know what I've got to offer (back to the Cosmo articles, LOL), but somebody, please make me young again! I can't take it anyMORE.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...idiot edition

2009-08-04T09:55:00.005-04:00

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Terrific.

Terrific who?

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday!

Today's headline-worthy t-shirt is courtesy of Chris Mauger at Maugeritaville, and it's a pretty clear statement in English or Spanish! Check it out...

I'd like to make up a couple of these bad boys and hand them out to people I know, and some random people I don't know, too. I'm sure you have some well-deserving idiots in your life as well!

Chris, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.
Thanks for the funny!

As always readers, let me know if you come across any blog headlines that would make a Terrific T-shirt. (Even a headline of your own!)

--Mom

How do you like your wiener?

2009-08-03T20:29:00.014-04:00

MacDaddy's vacation is over and it's back to business as usual. For me, that means goofing online. (Lucky you!) Over the past week, we spent a few days with my folks and a few days at home, plus some time on the beloved boat.

So far, we've done really well as boating newbies. MacDaddy is quite the Cap'n. You should see him dock it. He can slip her like it's his job! (That sounds kinda sexual, huh?) And me, I'm an expert map reader. Who knew I was a cartographer? As it turns out, I am! Also, I kick ass at cooler packing. There is never a shortage of food or drinks! Or beer.

However, I've discovered a boating activity of which MacDaddy and I are none too adept -- grilling. Several companies make small gas grills that you can clamp onto the rails of your boat. We bought one shortly after deciding that we *needed* a boat. We may have even had the grill before the boat! This weekend was the debut cookery, but the attachment clamp gave us attitude.

We needed to figure out how to keep the grill from operating like this...

to this...

See the problem?

On Saturday, our hotdogs ended up in the lid of the grill, dangling precariously upside-down UNDER the flames. (Who likes a dangling wiener?! Not me.) Luckily dinner didn't end up in the water. Nor did we burn the boat down with our flaming gyroscope of death.

It seems that you're supposed to adjust the support clamp to best suit the design of your boat. And in our case, the arm shouldn't have been in the vertical position. Because it turned the grill into a top-heavy Norse battering ram like the ones at an amusement park. ------>
Except our contraption was on fire, like a fucking circus act. As it turns out, the support arm should be in a horizontal position in order to prevent the thing from tipping. Who knew?! Again, it's a damn wonder we didn't set anything a'fire.

Next time we go out though, I think the grill will work prefectly in the upright and locked position. And wieners will be back where they belong!

--Mom

The big one!

2009-07-25T07:45:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a big state exam today, and I've been studying for weeks. Wish me luck! I didn't get a chance to do my "5 for Friday" yesterday because I've been in crunch mode. Next week though, I promise! Have a good weekend, and think super test vibes. K?

--Mom

No love for the primates

2009-07-22T09:52:00.020-04:00

Have you seen this video from CNN?

Man, those little fuckers freak me out. They're like furry little car-jacking felons! I'm surprised they didn't pop a cap in the videographer's ass and hoist the car up onto blocks so they could chop his ride for parts. Remind me to stay out of that monkey ghetto!

I have a serious aversion to monkeys and apes.

IMO, they're all yellow-teethed, nose-picking, bug-eating, ass-scratching, shit-flingers. I don't think there's anything cute or charming about them. Remember Travis, the 200-pound chimp that attacked a Connecticut woman and ate her face off? I think the owner should have been shot right along with the chimp. An animal of that size should have been returned to the wild or kept in a facility, not allowed near people or behind the wheel of a car.

Have you heard about those restaurant monkeys in Japan that serve drinks?

That is SO wrong! I do NOT want those bug-eating shit-flingers bringing me drinks in a restaurant. What if you don't tip them well enough? Will you get a face full of monkey poo?! Will one of 'em chew your face off? ~shudder~

Personally, there are a couple of primates that I dislike more than others: chimpanzees, proboscis monkeys and orangutans.

Check out that proboscis monkey in the middle. Does he remind you of anyone?

Jimmy Durante

I have nothing against Jimmy Durante, but admit it, he's got that monkey look about him! Poor, unfortunate bastard.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...how about a quickie?

2009-07-21T09:34:00.008-04:00

Hey gang! It's Tuesday, so that means I've done my homework and chosen a fab headline for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. Today's t-shirt headline is sure to net you a whole host of new friends! (They might be questionable friends, but what do you expect wearing a shirt like this?!)

This t-shirt has two meanings. Either the way you like it, or the way you deliver it. ~wink wink~ Either way, you have Diva on a Diet at Beach Eats to thank for this outstanding headline.

Diva, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like. Enjoy!

Readers, if you come across a great headline that would make a cool t-shirt, a la CNN, e-mail and let me know.

--Mom

5 for Friday...boating boo-boos

2009-07-17T03:00:00.007-04:00

It's Friday, so that means it's time for a list. I really dig making lists, so here's my "5 for Friday"...grievous injuries sustained on the boat in the first week of ownership.

5. Broken nails. I have three. I'm a tacky, uneven mess right now!

4. Cuts. I have an irritating cut in the web of my fore and middle fingers on my left hand. Plus a good one on the top of my head, see "near concussion" below.

3. Mosquito bites. I'm covered in them. I'm sure I'll begin to exhibit signs of malaria any minute now.

2. Bruises. I have half a dozen bruises on my knees and shins from bumping into things. It takes some time to get used to the spacial aspects of the boat. Plus, I have a whopper on the inside of my upper arm from walking down into the cabin.
See ----->
(Note to self: Don't hang on to outside handrail as you try descend the stairs, dumbass.)

1. Near concussion. I cracked my head coming up from the cabin on the first night we did the big clean-up. I thought I would pass out as I actually saw stars. When I touched my head, there was blood. ~queasy~ It seems I slammed my noggin into the locking mechanism on the main cabin hatch. Hopefully, I'll soon master the fine art of ascending and descending the cabin stairs.

Jesus, could I *be* a bigger damn klutz?! I'm positive the second week of boat ownership will be better, injury-wise. Wish me luck!

--Mom

How'd you find me?

2009-07-16T09:19:00.008-04:00

I love looking at my search statistics. It's a fascinating look into the human mind. A freaky ass look as I've discovered, but a look nonetheless.

According to my numbers, it seems that people are aching for "jimmy buffet invitations." Please people, I do not have the invitations! Thanks for looking, but I'm more the go-to gal for jellos shooters and boozy watermelons. If you locate an invitation though, I'll happily bring both! Deal?

People are looking for a "hairy mom" and a "butt naked mom." OK, seriously? Both are equally disturbing. I can sort of understand the butt naked mom (MILF!) but a hairy mom...~brrrrr~...that creeps me out. Who the fuck wants to find a hairy mom on the Internet? And no doubt they were looking for photos, too. Freak! (Which one of you was it?! LOL)

I hope the person looking for "crazy 80's birthday invitations" finds one. AND invites me to the par-tay! As previously mentioned, I can be counted on to bring the shooters and watermelon.

"Houses you did not build" isn't really all that interesting. Who wants to know that kind of information? Don't 99% of us live in houses we did not build? I'll bet whoever was searching for that lame tidbit was pretty sad to discover me bitching about stuff instead.

I do love that someone wants to know "what funny brat pack movie featured a princess, an athlete, a brain, a basket case and a criminal?" because Breakfast Club was one of my movie faves from last week. (Glad to be of service, dude!)

OK lastly, lemme tell ya, there are HUNDREDS of people looking for things to "butt naked." I think it's a little whack that people can't figure that one out on their own, but if Cosmo felt the need to do a whole cover article on it, I suppose it's a real problem. (C'mon people, you're naked, think it through!!) This is my post that is the most searched of all: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." It was actually one of my first!

What searches combos got them to that post, you ask? I'll tell you!

50 things to do butt naked
50 things to do bare assed
50" butt (OK wait...someone is looking for a 50 inch butt?
Sir Mix-A-Lot would be pleased!)
Fun things to do butt naked
Cosmos 50 things to do naked
Cosmos 30 things to do to a naked man

I sincerely hope there are a lot of readers out there gettin' some, with all that naked searching going on! ~wink, wink~

So, have you ever checked your search stats? What were some of the interesting or funny catch phrases?

--Mom

Weenie is under the weather

2009-07-15T12:35:00.008-04:00

Shit. Weenie is sick. The vet thinks she has a respiratory infection. Poor sweet baby. :-(

On the way home from the vet appointment last night I decided to myself that this is IT. I'm done with pets whenever it's Weenie's time. I can't handle illness. It makes me a nervous wreck! Children can tell you what's wrong and where it hurts, pets can't. They just wither. We love our pets like nobody's business and then they just break our hearts! Weenie isn't in grave danger, but we've had some pretty horrible pet deaths and I just can't deal.

Please cross your fingers that I won't have to! And of course keep 'em crossed for Weenie's sake. She's such a good dog!

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...beyond crazy!

2009-07-14T03:30:00.003-04:00

Today is Tuesday, so you know what that means, right? Time for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday! For my newbies, it's where I canvas the blogoshere looking for blog headlines that would make great t-shirts, a la CNN.

Today, I'm featuring a headline that makes me chuckle every time I think of it, courtesy of Julia D. at Homemade Hilarity. Julia cracks me up, and this post is no exception. But the headline is what stuck in my mind.

Have you ever had one of those stressed out days, where every single thing sets you on edge? Like you're going...bat shit crazy? I sure have! Wouldn't it be great to have a t-shirt to warn people that it's time back the fuck up? This would be it!

Julia, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post.

And thanks for the funny!

Have you seen a clever blog headline that makes you laugh? E-me and let me know.

--Mom

A new baby!

2009-07-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

This is our new baby. Isn't she lovely?

Photo props to Keith. Thank you, again!

Well, we did it. We bought a boat. We took it out for the maiden voyage yesterday, and it was awesome! We met up with friends for our first multi-boat tie-up out in the bay. It was a blast. The kids swam, we made new friends, and just enjoyed the weather. It was hard having to call it a day. And MacDaddy docked it like a champ! Looks like we won't need to pay for any damage to other boats...yet. LOL

We're having a hard time deciding what to name her though. Someone got it in our heads that it's bad luck to rename a boat. :-/ So we're not sure what to do. Take our chances and figure out how to appease Poseidon? Or just throw caution to the sea and go for it?

Here are some of the names we're considering, see what you think...

Pi$$ing it Away
Bad Parents
Cheers
Sandy Cheeks
Boat Dorks
Just Add Water
Newbies - Stay Back
5 O'clock Somewhere
If This Boat's a-Rockin'...
Who the Hell Needs College Anyway?

My personal favorite is "Keith's Fault." We secretly blame our friend Keith for giving us the boat joneses that fated Sunday afternoon on the river.

So what do you think? Do you have any great boat name ideas? It's an awful lot of pressure!

--Mom

5 for Friday...Movies

2009-07-10T07:49:00.010-04:00

The end of the week is here, so it's time for my "5 for Friday." The theme this week is: 5 favorite movies of all time.

5. Grease. All my favorite movies have to do with friendships and relationships of the heart. This movie has a little of both. And, it contains a line I often use..."It says right here it is a dessert wine." LOL. Who doesn't like this movie though? Cars, making out, leather jackets, going back to high school, great songs, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, the big dance, mooning the camera, a dessert wine...what's not to love?!

4. Breakfast Club. For me, this is the ultimate 1980s teen Brat Pack movie. Representin' we had a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal...that just about summed up most of the people I knew from high school. BTW, I've always wanted to try that lipstick-in-the-cleavage trick.

3. An Officer and a Gentleman. I saw this movie at a time when an ex-boyfriend went into the Navy, and it was an interesting look into the armed forces. Plus it had Richard Gere in a uniform. Nuff said!

2. Big Chill. Great plot. Great music. Great cast. I love, LOVE, L-O-V-E, this movie! Jeff Goldblum has an interesting line in that movie. He's at the reception for their dead friend and he says, "Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come." How true!

1. Overboard. I know the entire movie by heart, and everything that comes out of Goldie Hawn's mouth is hilarious. ("Andrew! Are you going to bring me a lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?") Some day I want to have a big slumber party with all my girlfriends and watch this movie so we can just laugh and laugh.

What are some of your absolute favorite movies?!

--Mom

Psssst, wanna see a steel erection?

2009-07-09T09:54:00.010-04:00

Ha! Made ya look!

MacDaddy and I erected this canopy and bug netting yesterday. It's in lieu of a screened porch or a sunroom. We've been thinking about either for our deck, but have decided to get a boat instead. So, this is our compromise. And guess what? We love it! We wish we'd erected one years ago when they first became backyard vogue.

Now that I've put the word "erection" into my headline, I can hardly *wait* to see my search stats. Pervs!

So, did I fool you? LOL

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...it's putrid

2009-07-07T22:33:00.004-04:00

Hey gang, it's Tuesday! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I surf the 'net for a groovy headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. Check out this one by Em at "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit..."

This was a great headline, and would be an equally great t-shirt. Just like Justin Timberlake's song "I'm Bringing Sexy Back"... letting people know that you're bringin' on the putrid will definitely get you laid! (Not! LOL) Em, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post. Enjoy and thanks for the funny!

--Mom

5 for Friday...Independence Day

2009-07-03T08:30:00.008-04:00

Hey everyone! It's the weekend again--and a holiday at that--so it's time for my Friday list. The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Reasons I Love the 4th of July.

5. This is the greatest country on the planet! Sure we have our fair share of problems, issues and assholes, but we've got all those rights and freedoms to balance it out. A lot of lives were lost in the American Revolution to get us these freedoms.

4. Swimming. I'm always around water on the 4th of July. As a kid, the holiday was spent camping and whitewater rafting, or at my grandparent's house on Long Island. As I got older, the 4th was spent at my parent's summer place on the river, now it's at the pool. I adore the water!

3. Fireworks! I love them as much now as I did when I was a child. My favorites are the ones that burst into a big crackly dome and then produce swirly spinners that fall toward earth. I can't wait to oooooh and aaaaaah!

2. Booze. Need I say more?

1. Food! It's the quintessential barbecue day. Burger, hotdogs, chops, steaks, chicken, sausages--you name it! Plus, watermelon, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pie and cake...I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.

So I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend!
Have a cocktail and a burger and enjoy the day.

What is it about the 4th that you enjoy?

--Mom

A big hairy deal

2009-07-02T09:33:00.009-04:00

Something must be wrong in my subconscious, because I recently had TWO dreams about shaving. Shaving badly, to be precise! I must be secretly worried that I'm not doing right.

The first dream centered around a patch of hair I'd apparently missed for, like, 30 years. The spot was on my right leg, approximately 3 inches around, just above my outer ankle bone. It was long and bushy, like pubes, down near my ankle. HOW could I have missed that my whole adult life? I was horrified in my dream. I remembering thinking that EVERYONE must have seen that nasty shit, and NO ONE told me! Not even my own husband! WTF?

Within a day or two I dreamt about a wad of hair under my left arm inside my bra strap. There it was, a shrub of hair branching out from inside my bra! Had I been to the pool in a swimming suit with that scary stuff?! AND the patch down by my ankle? Jesus, what must the neighbors think of me?! How could I have possibly missed that while shaving? And when did I become such a hairy Sasquatch?

I really hope I don't have any more hairy dreams. They're quite unsettling, and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid. That amount of hairy is decidedly NOT sexy.

What do you suppose it all means?

--Mom

My foul-mouthed child

2009-07-01T03:00:00.003-04:00

Baby needs to have her mouth washed out with soap. Check this out!

Me: Baby, you need to go put your pajamas on. It's almost time for bed.

Baby: But I'm playing with my ponies.

Me: Now! Go get in your jammies.

Baby (stomps off): God dammit.

~gasp~ Can you believe it? WTF?

I know, I know....the hypocrisy.

Do you have a funny story about your foul-mouthed child?

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...giddyup!

2009-06-30T03:00:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone, it's Tuesday again! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I thoroughly comb the 'net for a fab headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. What do you guys think of this one?

Today's headline is courtesy of Jeff Tompkins, the world itself is a satire. Jeff sounds like my kinda guy, because most country music makes me want to rip my ears off and stomp on them. Yee haw! Thanks, Jeff! Grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like.

If anyone would care to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Y'all come back now, ya hear?!

--Mom

To boat or not to boat?

2009-06-29T12:14:00.009-04:00

Boat: (bōt) noun. A hole in the water
into which all money is thrown.

But man, I want one! I want my own money-sucking hole!

We went boating yesterday with some friends from my husband's work, and it was a blast. The weather wasn't perfect, but the company sure was. I think MacDaddy and I are hooked. We're like boat crack addicts. It's all we think about. We can't wait to get our next fix. We're exhibiting boat-seeking behavior, and we'll ask anyone where we can score a boat. We say we can quit, but we really don't want to. We'll surely need a 12-step program so that it doesn't take over our lives.

Here are 10 things I learned whilst boating:

Flip flops are not boating shoes.

You don't "park" out in the water, you "anchor."

If you can't figure out how to tie your boat to the dock so that it doesn't float way, you probably shouldn't get a boat.

If you don't drink beer, you definitely shouldn't get a boat.

If you can't *wait* to get back on the boat, you probably should get a boat.

If you're fussy about your hair, you don't belong on a boat.

The bathroom is not called the bathroom. It's the "head." And men seem to dig it when you talk about "head."

The kitchen is not the kitchen, it's the galley. And it's main purpose is to hold...the beer.

Don't fuck around on radio channel 16, it's for the Coast Guard, and they'll kick your ass if you fuck around on it.

Boating doesn't suck!

So, anyone know where I can score a boat? C'mon man, help a gal out!

--Mom

I need to gripe

2009-06-27T02:00:00.015-04:00

About what might I need to gripe, you wonder? I'll tell you.

ASSHOLE PARENTS.

I've mentioned a few times that I'm on the neighborhood swim team board, and that I really enjoy it.

Well, I've hit the portion of the season that I had forgotten about since last year. The part where parents have nothing but complaints. *DAILY* I field emails from parents bitching about this or that rule, this or that team request, blah blah blah. I'm ready to bitch slap every damn one of them!

So I've penned an open letter to the parents on my swim team. I think you'll like it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear asshole parents:

Listen up motherfuckers! When you join a team, you are expected to help out. That's the way it is with kids' sports. And when you come to the pool, you need your fucking POOL PASS. Don't email me and whine that "sometimes they're forgotten or misplaced." Because you know what? I don't give a shit. It's the pool, you need a pool pass. What don't you fucktards understand about that?! And also, don't tell me you "just want to watch your daughter race" when it's time to sign up for volunteer jobs at meets. Because you know what? ME TOO! We all want to see our kids race, but we all need to work it to make it happen. And when you don't get the right suit for Little Johnny, whine to the vendor, not me. Let me make this as clear as possible...I DO NOT MAKE THE FUCKING SUITS. And when it's time to clean up after the meets, don't even bother telling me that you "need to get home" because we ALL need to get home. None of us live at the pool, you jackasses. The faster we get this done, the faster we can ALL get home, and I won't need to crawl up your ass. And when you can't fulfill the job you've volunteered to do, don't make it my fucking problem. Find your own replacement. So when your job is to get Friday morning donuts, and you can't fucking handle it, don't make it MY problem the night prior. I'm on the Board to oversee the running of the team; I am not the donut bitch. And if you want to gripe that you didn't know there were practices on Friday, you might want to try clicking that link on our website that says "PRACTICE SCHEDULE" you lazy imbecile!

So, are we clear now? GOOD! Use some common fucking sense before emailing me with complaints. That is all.

Love, Mom
Your Perky Swim Team Board Member

P.S. Stay off the coach's ass, too. It's his job to coach, not to listen to you whiny douche bags.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel much better. Thanks for listening! Now I can probably get through the day without ripping into anyone. Hopefully.

--Mom

5 for Friday...this is my jam

2009-06-26T01:00:00.003-04:00

Woohoo! It's Friday again!

The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....5 songs that make me sing like a rock star when I'm alone in the car.

Really there are hundreds of tunes that make me sing like a rock star, but I had to choose 5, so these are some from the past few days.

5. "You Oughtta Know" by Alanis Morrisette. (The unedited version, of course.) I love the bitter anger that oozes from this song. Such a stress reliever to belt out this one in the car at top volume!

4. "Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin. Anyone who *doesn't* want to shout "hey, hey, mama, said the way you move gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove" isn't quite right in my book.

3. "Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. This is a classic for anyone who's wanted revenge on a troublesome neighbor or hateful co-worker. And just for kicks, it's fun to sing the mis-heard lyrics..."Dirty Deeds and the thunder chief." LOL

2. "And the Cradle Will Rock" by Van Halen. Seriously, have you seen junior's grades? They're appalling! But the guitar riffs are amazing.

1. "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolph. The title says it all, so I let it rock in the car, just as loud as I can. Because you know what I wish? I wish I could be as cool as you.

Now, don't let me be the only dork admitting that I sing like a rock star in my car! What makes YOU jam when no one is looking?!

--Mom

Crazy Facebookery

2009-06-25T10:44:00.010-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

I like connecting with friends from my past, but I'm completely weirded out by the games and invitations that people send me. Who the hell has enough time in the day to accept all the water gun fights, Easter egg hunts, cocktails and quiz requests?! Currently sitting in my cue are:

1 friend suggestion
4 friend requests
1 view stephen's hug request
1 tweety bird mania request
2 classmate requests
3 growing up denver gifts
2 what your name says invitations
4 how well do you know invitations
3 farm town requests
1 james's birthday request
8 pass a round invitations
7 water gun fight! requests
1 which female grease invitation
2 which 80s song invitations
3 easter egg hunt invitations
3 cause invitations
1 which jimmy buffett request

...and that's after having done an ass load of quizzes, shooters, pillow fights and "which one" invitations. I could probably pencil in a whole day each week just to do the requests on Facebook. Who created all this absurd craziness?

Why do I need to know that my Star Wars character is Princess Leia? WTF am I supposed to do with pretend drinks? If you're really my friend take me out and get me shit-faced! THAT'S a friend! If you want a pillow fight, invite me over for a real sleepover and we'll wail away with pillows all night. C'mon over to the pool and let's do a real water gun fight with super soakers. (You're going down!) If you want to give me a gift, I'd love a Coach bag, not faux farm animals. And if you have a Jimmy Buffett request, it had better come with real jello shooters and close-up seating for a real concert! Don't tease me on Facebook. I don't have that kind of time.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...WWJDate?

2009-06-23T09:02:00.009-04:00

It's Tuesday, so it's time for a Terrific T-shirt! I have combed the blog-o-sphere for a headline that would be fabulous to sport on a t-shirt. And if you're wearing THIS shirt, you've got SERIOUS bragging rights:This awesome headline was written by Heather Cherry on her self-titled blog, and the thought of it on a t-shirt totally cracks me up! Heather, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like. Thanks for providing the laugh! If I were dating Jesus, I'd want everyone to know that Jesus was my man.

If anyone would like to nominate a blog headline for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday, post a comment and link, or e-me. Thanks for reading along!

--Mom

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T10:00:00.008-04:00

Wishing my main man, MacDaddy, and all the other dads out in blogland a fabulous Father's Day!

Have a beer on me! My treat.

5 for Friday...That's gross

2009-06-19T13:17:00.009-04:00

The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Things That Gross Me Out. Ready? Because I think these are pretty grody...

5. Farts. I don't really need to explain that, do I?

4. Nasty toenails, in sandals, trotted out in public where God and everyone can see them. If feet are not cared for, they really need to be inside a shoe when near me.

3. Monkeys. I know I've alluded to it already, but I'll tell you why another day. Monkeys, to me, are nasty.

2. At the grocery store, I once saw a kid stick his hand down his pants, and then sniff his fingers. Next, he shoved his hand up in his sister's face. I nearly vomited. It was probably the most messed up thing I've *EVER* seen. I contemplated making this number one on my list.

But my number one gross out...

1. That super absorbent maxi pad that comes packaged under meat in it's Styrofoam tray. To me, it just screams SALMONELLA!! BOTCHULISM!! E COLI!!!

True story....I cooked that damn thing in the crock pot once. It was stuck to the bottom of a roast and I didn't realize it. ~gag~

What grosses you out??

--Mom

I'm a super hero

2009-06-18T14:33:00.009-04:00

OK, so I'm coming clean on the whole exaggeration thing.

Exaggerating -- that's my schtick. Apparently my peeps think I've taken it to a whole new level, like, super hero exaggerating.

I like to announce that I'm hotter than the surface of 1,000 suns, or that my entire face is melting off... not just that I'm "too warm." When I'm cold, I'm not just "chilly" I'm more like the temperature of a frozen steak in a freezer of dry ice, ready to snap. When I'm tired, I like to say that I may not live through the day because I'm dying of life-threatening exhaustion. And speaking of dying, I like to announce that I'm dying of things on a regular basis. I die of random events, people who are idiots, unreal conversations, and strange circumstances DAILY. My exaggerations are legendary at my house. So much so, my family calls me "The Exaggerator"...an exaggerator of super hero strength! Hence, "Life...Exaggerated."

But I'm not the only person in the family who is a super hero. Oh no! Baby is known as "The Griper" because she can complain like nobody's business. The kid can BITCH! Seriously! I've never heard a four-year-old carrying on about things at great length like she can. A conversation or situation can end, and 25 minutes later, Baby will gripe about it some more. And the funny thing, she doesn't much care for other peoples' griping.

MacDaddy: "My back is sore again today from moving all that mulch."

Baby: "Are you still griping about that?"

To be fair to Baby though, MacDaddy is known as the "Nuclear Overreactor." He can get worked into a head-spinning frenzy about damn near anything, and Baby sometimes has no recourse but to call him on it. On a normal day, the things that get MacDaddy worked up are:

Junk mail that tricks you into thinking its something important
Getting too near the end of the coffee creamer without a back up bottle
The grill getting wet if we accidentally leave the cover off in the rain
An assortment of sports ridiculousnesses
Democrats

No situation is too small for the Nuclear Overreactor to begin percolating! When we sense it, Bella and I like to make beeping danger sounds and shout, "He's gonna blow!"

Bella has dual super hero powers. She's ultra special. We call her "The Slobinator" for obvious reasons. She can trash a house faster than a speeding bullet. We don't know how she's able to clean her room so thoroughly, and within an hour, it's a shithole! It's not physically possible to destroy a room in the manner that she does, so we figure she must be super human. Bella's also known as "The Instigator." She is often the root cause of Baby's griping and my exaggerations and MacDaddy's overreacting. Bella has a wicked quick sense of humor, that often zings the remaining super heroes into action.

This is classic super hero action at my house:

Me (replacing the roll of paper towels): OMG, did I buy paper towels with cats on them? I must have been completely without my head when I grabbed that roll. I don't even like cats! I'm going to DIE of looking at these paper towels for the next week!! Why GOD?!

Bella: What, did the cat get your eyeballs? Here comes the rant about the price of stuff.

MacDaddy: You know what gets me? The rolls are smaller, but the price continues to go up. It's ridiculous! How much do manufacturers think a wad of ratty paper should cost?! Where is it going to end? Will we be spending $10 on a roll of paper towels with 5 sheets of paper some day?!

Baby (15 minutes later): We don't have cats, mom. Why did you get the paper towels with cats? We don't have cats. We have a dog. How come you didn't buy the towels with dogs?

So, do you have a special super power?

--Mom

What the hell is wrong with Brett Favre?

2009-06-17T04:45:00.002-04:00

My husband is supposed to be the one with the sports blog, but today I need to say some stuff about Brett. I'm tired of hearing about him on the news. One season he's retiring, the next he's back. He's gone...then back. Gone...then back. Why can't he make up his mind? Someone needs to tell Brett to shit or get off the pot. He's making an ass of himself.

There, I said it. That is all.

--Mom

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday

2009-06-16T06:30:00.004-04:00

Last Tuesday I wrote about headlines from my own blog that might be amusing as one-liners on T-shirts, a la CNN.com. I thought it would also be fun to start a regular Tuesday column called "Terrific T-shirt Tuesday" based on other blogger's headlines, and award the blog master their very own t-shirt. Cool, huh? So here it is, Tuesday again, so let's get to the funny.

For my first featured t-shirt, I would like award Stickman for his headline "P.S. I love you, Jackass." The article is entertaining, but the headline is what caught my attention. Who doesn't love a romantic sentiment that ends in "jackass"? I sure do!

So here you go, Stickman, your Terrific T-shirt!

Grab your T and upload it to your site if you'd like, and link back to Terrific T-shirt Tuesday.

Readers, have you seen a great headline on someone else's blog? Or have you written one of your very own? Post it in my comments box, or e-me with the link. I'll be on the look out for Terrific T-shirt nominees!

--Mom

People on crack should not build houses

2009-06-11T19:05:00.012-04:00

We have these two locations in the house that are akin to the Bermuda Triangle.

The first is on the main level where the basement and powder room doors meet. Rather than better engineering the alcove into which you must go to both descend the basement stairs or...pee, the builders have forced us to forever fight with swinging doors. And lemme tell ya, the knobs on those two doors seem to bang together 24/7. And also, it seems that either of those doors is always open, ready to slam into your ass in a New York minute. Sometimes, the two knobs even get locked together into a power hold so fierce that you need to consult an expert in quantum physics in order to free them. So they can once again begin clanging.

See? Here they are now, duking it out for who will rule the open space in the Daily Battle of the Alcove Doors.
The other space from hell is upstairs in our bedroom where the master bath and closet doors come together to form a death trap. There are times when MacDaddy and I are in and out of the bathroom and/or closet at the same time and actually get stuck amongst the doors. It might seem like a touching romantic interlude, wedged between the doors, but because we're both so fucking sick of being trapped, the precious moments have long worn thin.

Oh no...it's got Baby!! What I want to know is, what kind of architectural jackassery is this? And on what planet did this seem like a genius move?! Did a high school intern build our house, or someone from The Laugh Factory? Because this is ridiculous! No one should be expected to endure this level of crazy.

So if anyone is keeping score, in my next house I need (a) hot neighbors and (b) doorknobs that don't piss me off.

What's bugging you at your house?

--Mom

I'm stylin' in headlines

2009-06-09T20:04:00.009-04:00

Have you ever noticed on the CNN website that you can order t-shirts that highlight some of their daily news headlines?

I thought it would be fun to have some of my own blog headlines made into t-shirts. Wouldn't that be cool?! I've chosen several of my favorite headlines to consider sportin' around town. They are, in no particular order:

Picking Jon and Kate out of my teeth

Note to men: Wear clothes outside

If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on milk cartons

You're sticking that pencil...where?!

What the hell was I thinking?

50 Things to Do Butt Naked

So, do you have a favorite headline that you'd like on a t-shirt of your own?!

--Mom

Note to men: Wear clothes outside!

2009-06-03T17:05:00.011-04:00

Well, it happened again this morning. I saw another neighbor in his underwear. The guy diagonally across the street from us was having a cigarette in his driveway, wearing sandals, navy blue boxers and a white wife-beater tank top. Not really a good look at 7:20 a.m.!

Why does this keep happening to me? This is the third neighbor, in three different homes, who I’ve seen in his undies. And I want to know WHY? Why was I hand selected by God to witness such atrocities?

In our townhouse, I looked out the master bedroom window to see Calvin, outside on his deck slurping down his morning coffee and reading his paper, in nothing but white boxer shorts. No shirt, no shoes, no fuckin’ way!

That was my first experience with scantily clad male neighbors, but little did I know, it wouldn’t be my last. :-/

A few years later, while living in our crazy contemporary house in granola-ville, I came upon Billie while walking our dog early one morning. Billie had run out to his car for something, wearing nothing but purple skivvies and slippers. Ugh! Billie was about 30 years older than I with white pasty bird legs, a belly bulge that put him at about 6 months pregnant, and a carpet of grey chest hair. Lemme tell ya, it was not a turn on! I wanted to pop my eyeballs out and scrub them with steel wool, that’s how horrifying the experience was. Thank God he didn’t see me, because Jesus, what does one say to a near-naked neighbor? “Hey hot stuff, you got it goin’ ON!” didn’t seem appropriate, because...it wasn’t accurate. (Why me, God? Why?!)

So then this morning outside house #3 there was Merroon, in his wife-beater, boxers and sandals, smokin’ a ciggie. I just shook my head and thought, “Of course he’s in his underwear. It’s my destiny.” I probably wouldn’t mind so much if my neighbors were hotter. Next time we move, I really need to be a little choosier about the folks we live near. Because I just *know* it’s going to happen again! I’ll be outside, early in the morning, and some jackass will be out there half naked. So I'd really like it if he looked like Adonis next time.

Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just lucky? (And not in a good way.)

--Mom

I think Baby dissed me

2009-06-01T16:47:00.005-04:00

Baby is 4, and has a pretty good sized attitude. She also likes to speak her mind. I don't have the slightest idea where she gets that from. This was our conversation the other morning. I'm pretty sure she's busting on me.

Baby, eating a hardboiled egg: Mom, I dumped the cheese out.

Me, puttering in the kitchen: The cheese? What cheese?

Baby: The egg cheese!

Me: There's no cheese.

Baby: THE YELLOW CHEESE INSIDE THE EGG, MOM!! Gosh, don't you know anything?

Me: I know a lot, sister! I know that's not cheese. That's called the yolk.

Baby: Don't make it so dry next time.

Me: That's just the way it turns out, Baby.

Baby: Oh. You cook the white part real good.

Me: I'm pretty handy to have around, huh?

Baby: What does handy mean?

Me: It means I know how to do a lot of things around the house.

Baby: Then peel me another egg! ~laughs~

Baby: I'm pretty funny, huh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids! They crack me up!

--Mom

I can't even think about it

2009-05-30T08:55:00.006-04:00

I read this morning on CNN.com that John Travolta is having a difficult time dealing with his son Jett's death. Travolta is unable to do the promotional circuit to promote his new movie, due out in June.

:-(

What I want to talk about today isn't about celebrities, because despite my recent posts about such, I'm not a celeb follower. I want to talk about the loss of a child.

I honestly can't imagine how parents get out of bed each day after losing a child. HOW do you go on? HOW do you pick up the pieces? HOW do you reconcile having your child in "a better place" when you think the better place would be right with you? My stomach aches at the mere *thought* of a child's death. And my heart goes out to all the parents who have ever had to deal with such an unfathomable tragedy.

Death. Wow...I had a hard time even typing that word. A child's death is one of those areas where I refuse to let my mind wander. I can't even consider the "what ifs" in regard to my own children. It feels like a jinx somehow to even think "what if." So I can't. I won't.

What about you?

--Mom

Picking Jon and Kate out of my teeth

2009-05-28T18:50:00.005-04:00

You can barely tune in to your favorite TV, radio or news site without having Jon & Kate rammed down your throat.

I must be a cold bitch, because I'm having a really hard time feeling sorry for either Jon or Kate. Jon can be a clueless, helpless, dumbass at times. And Kate is often a rude, snide, bitch. They invited a reality show into their lives and...WOW...suddenly things aren't going well? Huh. Who didn't see that coming? No good comes from a reality show. Not even American Idol.

And I must be a super cold bitch because I'm feeling the least bad for Kate. (There, I said it. No sympathy for Kate!) Even at the birthday party, Kate was bitching about the length of the party. Too long? Really? Even tho you planned a near-amusement park party? Who-da-thunk-it?!

I've seen Kate berate Jon, hit Jon, bellow loudly in a store for Jon, embarrass Jon and practically saw off Jon's manhood with a dull grapefruit spoon. (And all this after catching pieces of the show just a handful of times in the last several years.) Do I think Jon should have gotten his freak on with a 3rd grade teacher? Nope. But I'm not going to pity Kate either.

Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work. I think Kate and Jon have failed each other, big time.

But those I do feel sorry for are the children. They didn't invite cameras into their daily lives. They didn't ask for parents who wanted to make a buck on their mere existence. They don't deserve to have daddy steppin' out with another lady, or mommy snuggling up with her bodyguard. Jon and Kate claim that everything they do is for the children, then hey guys, how 'bout turning off the TV cameras for a bit! How about saying NO to the money and fixing your marriage? FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

And because I'm a super cold skeptical bitch, I'm not entirely sure this whole marriage trouble isn't a rouse. I think they might just be enough of a media-ratings-whore-monger-team that they're messing with their viewers' heads. Ratings were slipping, and then ~BAM~ a faux affair sets them back at the top of reality dung pile. Coincidence?! I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm still choking on the both of them.

What do you think? Am I way off base? Is this real?

--Mom

Swimmers, take your mark...

2009-05-27T21:02:00.005-04:00

Today was the first day of the summer swim league. All the kidlets were thrilled to be back in the water, even though it's still a bit chilly. Our neighborhood kids are really amazing. They are delightful and hard working, kind to each other and helpful, and they are really good about cheering each other on. We get so many more coaching applications than we have coaching spots. This season we're up to approximately 180 swimmers, and some of them are swimmers who have left other teams to join us. People *want* to be part of our crowd. I'm proud to be on the Board of Directors, and the sweetheart of the swim team (LOL).

So wish me luck as I begin my evenings at the pool until school gets out, then mornings at same. I'll be snarfing burgers and nachos at the crack of dawn on Saturdays, and candy for brunch. But it's worth it. It's for the kids, and I dig 'em an awful lot. :-)

How are your kids' activities going?

--Mom

Ashton Kutcher doesn't want to be stalked. Call the waah-mbulance!

2009-05-26T19:04:00.007-04:00

It seems that Ashton Kutcher has threatened to stop Twittering if Twitter creates a reality show. Kutcher says he doesn't want to be stalked.

Hahahahaha!

Wait, I'm not done laughing....hahahahahaha!

OK, I'm done now. Soooo...

Really Ashton? You don't want to be stalked? Seriously? Because I think we're all pretty sure you demanded to be stalked when you launched a Twitter beg-a-thon to reach a million followers. And that, by posting your every move on Twitter, you're demanding that people stalk you.

And this from the man who produced "Punked" -- the show about stalking friends to prank on television? Hahahaha. (Dude, you know that's called hypocrisy, right?)

What a warped life celebrities lead.

BTW Ashton, one of the Olsen twins called, she wants her headband back.

--Mom

Check it out, a free Easy Bake Oven!

2009-05-22T19:47:00.004-04:00

Admit it, you know you want one!

Check out Lightbulb Cuisine for their Easy Bake Oven giveway. There are a couple of entry requirements, but it's easy peasy! A couple of clicks and you're golden! Hurry, the contest ends Friday, May 29.

--Mom

Dying of this year's American Idle...

2009-05-20T23:11:00.018-04:00

I don't think I'm the intended audience for American Idol. I always want the edgy characters to win, and sadly, they never do. I was all about beatboxer Blake Lewis, and long-hair Bo Bice. My votes were thrown at rocker Chris Daughtry, and this season, Adam Lambert. I don't go for tame boys and girls next door.

Also, my heart must be made of steel because I don't like slow songs, love songs, sappy songs or the specially-written-for-Idol songs. I need edge. I need rock, hip-hop, funk or punk. I'm near death on country night and on show tunes night, you might as well rip my ears off and stomp on them. And ballads? Blech.

So it should come as no surprise that Kris Allen's win on American Idol has left me cold. In fact, I'm pretty chilly at the end of all Idol seasons. I never like the winner. The worst season for me, until this one, was the year Taylor Hicks won. The amount of oozing schmaltz that year was uber syrupy and nauseating for me. As I write this post it's a damn wonder I even remember Hicks' name. Usually I have to call him "that one dorky guy that I didn't like" because...I didn't like him and I can't seem to commit his name to memory.

This season has hit a new low for me. Kris Allen? Seriously? America, what the fuck were you thinking?! There has never been an Idol winner with less charisma and stage presence than Kris Allen. Never. Not one! Most of the things under my kitchen sink have more magnetism than Kris Allen. The kid who ends up crying during the Christmas pageant has more stage presence than Kris Allen, our new American Idle.

And for the love of GOD, what is with those monkey faces he makes when he sings?! It makes me want to give him a pair of freakin' cymbals to bang together. I'm sure in a few weeks I won't even remember his name and I'll have to call him "monkey boy" or something, which galls the hell out of me because I hate monkeys. HATE them. But that's a whole other post for another day.

Do I think Adam Lambert is the best singer on the planet? No. But he didn't bore the shit out of me. So, let it be known that I am again disappointed by the lack of edge, and now allure, of this year's American Idol winner. When will I ever learn?!

Or am I completely wrong about Kris?

--Mom

Rave! A tanning fave...

2009-05-20T20:34:00.009-04:00

I have something I need to rave about today. It's one of my favorite springtime products -- Jergens Natural Glow Express. I love self tanners because I tend to be white and pasty and that look is not at all sexy on me come pool season. So I like to fake a nice warm glow prior to donning a swimming suit. This Jergens product isn't streaky or orange-y or oddly smelly. And best of all, it works quickly. It's advertised as a three-day tanning product, but I see a difference after the first two applications. And I can maintain a pretty sweet tan by using it every other day. I highly recommend it!

Are you a self-tanner? What product do you like? (Or dislike?!)

--Mom

Mulch. I don't get it.

2009-05-19T16:40:00.005-04:00

I don't get all the hoopla surrounding mulch. I really don't. I don't know why people use it. I don't know why people pay money for it. I can't comprehend why it's somehow become a landscaping necessity. It's...shit and...sticks. We pay hundreds of dollars for hundreds of pounds of...shit-n-sticks! WHY?! Why do we do this?

I grew up in Colorado and back then, no one mulched. People had rocks gardens or flower beds surrounded with rock. It was sometimes plain white rock, or random pebbles, or smooth tumbled rock, but not...shit-n-sticks. I was appalled my first summer here on the east coast when my dad had an enormous pile of shit-n-sticks delivered to the driveway--deliberately! Oh, the STENCH! I thought I would DIE. And the way it looked, my GOD, who in their right mind would put THAT around their flowers and shrubs?! WHO?! And for what purpose?

And now that I'm married with a husband and bushes and a driveway of my own, guess what we get delivered every spring. Any ideas? Yup, a heaping pile of shit-n-sticks! And that smell...it makes me want to rip my nose off and stomp on it. And the way it looks... ~gag~. As long as I live, I swear, I will never understand the use of shit-n-sticks. Can someone please explain it to me? Anyone? Anyone?

--Mom

Show me the money! I mean it.

2009-05-18T17:19:00.008-04:00

I saw an interesting article on CNN today. The headline is "Ten Creative Ways to Earn Extra Money." I clicked of course, because who couldn't use some extra money in this economy? The way all our 401ks are likely performing, we'll need to work until we're friggin' 107!

Well, here's what I found, and I'm not sure I'm down with a number of items on this list. Tell me what you think.

1. Do freelance work.
Is this secret code for selling dope or prostitution? And I wonder which would net me more money?

2. Sell your books.
When I first read it, I thought it said "Sell your boobs" and it made me think that #1 must mean drugs, so #2 meant prostitution--covering both bases and all. But now I see it says "books" and I don't really think my books are all that fabulous. My boobs tho...

LOL

3. Search circulating coinage.
The article said to look for old coins that you might have lying around. Hahahaha! If you have kids, you probably don't have any spare money lying around. Even Baby scombs onto spare change. Nice try!

4. Start a "business."
"Business" seems a little suspicious, don't you think? Why would it be in quotes? Is this about the boobs and drugs again?

5. Enter local and online sweepstakes.
I wonder if blog contests count?

6. Give your opinion -- and get paid (online surveys, phone surveys and product trials).
For the love of GOD, that's what I've been doing for YEARS!! I give my opinion on damn near everything to damn near anyone who will listen, and no one, I mean NO ONE has given me a dime for it. So scratch that off your list. It doesn't work. I call bullshit!

8. Join a direct selling company (Avon, Pampered Chef).
Yeah, OK. Whatever!

9. Be a secret shopper.
I've been secretly shopping for YEARS. I buy shit and secretly sneak it into the house and my husband never knows! I'm currently wearing a pair of khaki pants that were purchased secretly. The phrase, "What, these old things?!" was MADE for secret shoppers! There's no money in that either.

10. Sell your photos to stock agencies.
This one has me a bit confused. Do they mean scenic photos of my beautiful state, or the Polaroids taken before we were married?

From the looks of the list, boobs and drugs are really the only way to make a buck in this economy. So...good luck!

--Mom

If I'm missing, don't let small children look for me on their milk cartons.

2009-05-17T21:31:00.009-04:00

I read the other day that the original "milk carton kid" has never been found. Thirty years later and the boy is still missing. I find that very sad and unfortunate.

And at the same time, I find myself questioning the marketing finesse behind the whole milk carton plan. Whose idea was that? And, is a small cardboard box of white liquid really the most optimal search vehicle? Cuz I'm thinking it's not.

If I ever go missing, I hope my people will look harder than that. I want life-size cut-outs of me placed in Nordstrom, DSW Shoe Warehouse, my favorite Chinese restaurant, and the cheese department at Wegman's. I want posters in the Mercedes dealership and bumper stickers on all my neighbor's cars. I want my picture plastered on foam fingers so people can wave my face (I'm number one!) at basketball and football games. I expect people to call my name loudly as they walk around the block, the neighborhood and the state. If they want to call out my name during sex, that's cool, too. I want my mug on bumper stickers, scratch-n-sniff stickers, and press-on tattoos. I want to be on the sides of buses, sides of apartment buildings and sides of beef. I want people to be actively looking for me at the mall, Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store, the hardware store, Panera, Taco Bell and Dick's Sporting Goods. Also, you should definitely look for me at the liquor store. And probably at our neighborhood pool, too. But on the back of a milk carton? Nuh-uh. That's just not good enough.

Where should people look for you, if you go missing?

--Mom

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T15:43:00.002-04:00

I wish you all a fabulous Mother's Day!

--Mom

Honey, I'm home!

2009-05-04T19:48:00.006-04:00

Finally! I'm done with my grad class and I'm back online where I belong!

~hugs monitor~

I've written thousands of words, read hundreds of pages, researched dozens of web sites, and now I'm beat. But...I'm DONE!

Until I have to take the next class that is! LOL

Missed you!

--Mom

Slap this guy with the "hand of God"...

2009-04-26T22:11:00.006-04:00

Some dude thinks this is the hand of God (a six-fingered hand of God) and he's selling it on eBay. It's a rock slide in his backyard, but if you want to haul it out, it's yours!

You'll need to number the pieces so you remember how to reconstruct it in your own yard. And you'll probably need a Uhaul. And a couple of really close friends. Ones who won't mock your sorry ass for buying a ridiculous six-fingered rock slidin' hand of God! Good luck and happy bidding!

--Mom

I'm freaking out...

2009-04-24T16:05:00.007-04:00

OK, I'm having one of those days. In fact, I can't even do my regular FRIDAY FAVORITES because instead, I'm having a FRIDAY FREAK OUT! It's one of those days where everything is snowballing all at once. Maybe after I freak out about it out loud, I'll feel better. So here goes...

Tomorrow I'm taking a state licensing exam. It's going to be hard and several hours long. I need to know the entire history of universe and its geography! AND I need to know everything about the United States government, too. And we all know that's pretty effed up. And if that's not bad enough, I'm smack in the middle of grad class. I have an assignment due tomorrow also. :-/ And then on Monday, I have TWO assignments due. ACK!! Plus, I'm trying to get the school newspaper laid out. It's late. No surprise there because I'm up to my eyeballs in grad work, plus regular ol' life. And we're also heading into the busy season for swim team. I'm missing our big registration day tomorrow, but I've had to squeeze in the making of signs, printing registration forms, updating the web site...and some other shit. And as of right now, I have NO idea what's for dinner. Everyone might be fending for themselves. :-/

So yeah, today is one of those days. And I have a feeling it's going to be on of those weekends. Grrrrr. But, here's the bright side...it won't last forever. And at least I'm on the right side of the grass, right? Because the alternative would be way worse! :-)

Do I feel any better now? Hmmmm. Maybe a little. But it's time to study for my test tomorrow. I hope I don't die of it. ~freak~ Wish me luck!

--Mom

The Pulitzers

2009-04-22T20:28:00.008-04:00

The 2009 Pulitzer Prize Winners were announced this week. They are the highest honors in journalism and the arts, in fields of writing, photography, illustration and music composition. I look forward to them every year, even though I am no longer in the "real" world of journalism. I always go first to the "Breaking New Photography" category. I don't know why, because the images are always so haunting they make me cry. This year's winners are no exception. And as it turns out, the man who won is the son-in-law of a former co-worker. They must be so proud!

If you'd like to see all the winners, here is the link. If you'd like to see Patrick Farrell's breaking news photos, go here (click on the "works" tab), and take a tissue. He documents last season's devastating hurricanes in Haiti. The death and destruction are horrific.

I enjoy laughing and being silly, but when the Pulitzers come out, I am always reminded of the tragedies that are all around us.

--Mom

You're sticking that pencil...where?!

2009-04-21T18:00:00.007-04:00

Have I griped today that grad school is sucking up all my blogging time? Because it is! And I'm a little bitter about it. I want to blog. I want to visit other bloggers. I want to plaaaaay!

OK, there. I feel better after having a little whine. And I'll feel even better after sharing this precious little objet dʼart with you. I found it in a catalog and damn near sprayed coffee out my nose when I saw it.
WTF?! You shove a pencil up the animal's ass, and it barks? Or meows? If I were a dog, I'd do a lot more than just bark if you shoved a pencil up my ass. Poor little darlings. Look at the cat. He looks REALLY tense doesn't he?

Do you know someone who could use this great gift? (Mother's Day is coming up! LOL)

--Mom

Mom = 1, Pediatrician = 0

2009-04-20T16:30:00.006-04:00

Last week, Baby broke out into a rash on her hands and feet, which spread to her arms, legs and face. I took her to the pediatrician on Tuesday, and she was diagnosed with Coxsackie virus (AKA hand, foot and mouth disease).

We've had that in the family, and as the rash progressed this didn't seem like other cases I'd seen. Baby's face was terribly red and troublesome. So I decided it needed to research it further online. In my family we have a saying WRT my Googling prowess, "If mom can't find it, you don't need to know it." And this instance turned out to be no different. I determined it was Fifth Disease over the weekend. (Another rashy childhood disease.)

Well, guess what note came home from preschool today? That a number of children have been diagnosed with Fifth Disease. :-/ So, let it be known that I have mad research and diagnosing skillz.

I'm not a doctor, but I could play one on the internet. So tell me, what seems to be the trouble? LOL

--Mom

What the hell was I thinking?

2009-04-18T11:39:00.005-04:00

We've all heard the terms "soccer mom" and "hockey mom." Well, I'm a "swim mom." Bella is a swimmer. She's managed to go from a mild interest in swimming, to TWO swim teams. And I have somehow gotten sucked into the world of Directorship on the summer league. I honestly don't know how it happened. I wasn't even drinking when I agreed to "help out" with the team suits a few years back. Then ~BAM~ next thing I know, I'm coordinating the team's communication, web site, printed material and PR. WTF? Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Why can't I fade quietly into the drapes and mind my own business?

You know what it is? Its karma. When Bella was a toddler, we lived in a neighborhood with a pool and a swim team, and on Saturday mornings I'd run errands. In order to get out of the neighborhood I had to pass the pool. I used to snark at the dumbasses who pitched shade tents at 5:30 am to watch their precious punkins swim in cold water on a perfectly good Saturday morning. So I am *positive* that the universe has rammed swimming right up my own dumb ass. Good one! Hahahaha! Next time I'm in the mood to snark at something, I'm going to snark at people who get to sleep in late on Saturdays. ("Look at those idiots! Sleeping! Who SLEEPS IN on a Saturday?!")

So now I'm stuck in the land of t-shirts that say things like:
When the earth floods from global warming,
the swimmers will rule the world.
Oxygen is overrated.
Chlorine: the breakfast of champions!
If you’re dating a swimmer raise your hand.
If you’re not, raise your standards.
We bust ours to kick yours.
Instant Swimmer, Just Add Water.

I buy goggles by the handful, tiny towels that magically suck the water out of Bella's hair, bottled water and Gatorade like it's going out of style, and Air Head candies because they ensure a wicked good sugar buzz for beating your opponents.

And now, I'm fully immersed in updating our team handbook, our registration form, the website and all our promo material. I've got two registration events in the near future. Other parents are starting to email me on a daily basis to ask all sorts of questions. And starting in June, I'll be back to eating cheeseburgers on Saturday mornings at 9:30 am by the pool. There's usually some sort of nacho chaser around 10:15 and an Air Head at 10:30. (I feel ill just thinking about it!)

I know I'm in good company though. You feel my pain, right? Tell me...what crazy things have you gotten sucked into in support of your child's sports or activities?!

--Mom

Friday Favorites

2009-04-17T23:27:00.007-04:00

Wireless internet. I love being able to crash on the couch with my laptop (otter style!) and mess around online.

Laughing. I like doing it, and making others do it, too.

Buy One/Get One Free. Free stuff is my favorite stuff! I love my grocery store's BOGO deals.

Turning in assignments early. I got all my grad stuff done, so I can blog on Friday night. Yay me!

Birthday cake! See next blog entry.

--Mom

You've come a long way, Baby!

2009-04-17T19:10:00.006-04:00

Today is Baby's 4th birthday!

Baby is who we loving refer to as our "difficult child." Bella was easy in every sense (until the current teen years!). But, bless her heart, Baby has been more of a challenge. I had a more difficult pregnancy with Baby; she was sideways for nearly the entire ride. Ouch! I had three nights of false labor with Baby before my water broke...two weeks early. When it was time to get down to business, I tried my hardest to force Baby into the world, but she's a tough cookie and didn't want any part of it. After hours and hours in labor, the doctors decided to go in after her and she was finally born via c-section. And that was just the beginning. Have I mentioned she's a redhead? This Baby's all attitude!

But Baby has also taken us on a crazy, wonderful journey. I was 38 when I got pregnant with Baby, and it's true what they say about appreciating things as you get older. We do. Baby has also flourished into a bright and delightful little person who amazes us on a daily basis. We couldn't be more proud of her. (Even though we admit to being concerned about her bag lady look last summer. LOL) ------>

Happy birthday, Baby! We love you.

--Mom, MacDaddy and Bella

Mom's gone back to school

2009-04-16T22:54:00.005-04:00

I started a grad class this week, and I'm feeling a little bitter about it. Not because I don't appreciate higher education, but mostly...it's cutting into my blogging and social online time.

Right now, as the clock is nearing midnight and I'm slogging my way through my first paper, I'm beginning to feel grouchy and whiny. Those of you who are teachers or parents of school-aged children will probably recognize these particular brands of whine:

I don't get it.

What are we supposed to do?

Is this for a grade?

Do I have to put my name on it?

When is this due?

I can't find my pencil.

Can I turn it in late?

Why do we have to do this?

I need to go to the bathroom.

And that just about sums up how I feel right now! So wish me luck, as I gripe my way through class and long to blog instead.

OK, time to buck up and get back to business...

--Mom

Pirates? Are you kidding me?

2009-04-15T10:07:00.014-04:00

Can someone please remind me, in which century are we living? Because I feel like we've taken the Way-Back Machine to the "Golden Age of Piracy" and we're now living in the late 1600s. Is it just me, or are we hearing about pirates taking over ships on a daily basis?

I'm wondering if this is going to be a new way of life? Is it because of the economy? Are people going to just start taking over other peoples' stuff? And I'm also wondering if I've stumbled onto something here...and if I should get a jump on it myself! You know, beat out the common folks at pirating. And if so, I need to start making plans, ASAP.

My neighbor has a sweet new Beamer. I may pirate that this weekend. There's a new family around the block, and they've got such a cute dog! He ran into our yard the other day, and the next time he does, he's mine. I'm pirating his furry ass! Oh, and the next time I'm feeling burdened by a trip to the grocery store, I'm just going to pirate someone's (full! paid for!) cart out in the parking lot. Screw the hassle of picking out my own meat and produce!

But I think I'm going to need some new clothes for my pirating gig. Don't you think? I was looking in a catalog the other day, and I mocked these boots. But now, I'm thinking they might be perfect for pirating. Should I get the red or purple ribbon? "Both" you say? OK! And I'll need a pirate bustier, because, according to movies, that's what lady pirates wear. OH! And a puffy shirt, and some jodhpurs. Not the kind equestrians wear, but the special pirate jodhpurs. I want them to tuck into the kick ass pirate boots.

Actually, this is probably the look I'm going for. Cool, huh? ----->

So you've all been warned. Be on the look out! I may come 'round to pirate at your house (or your blog!). Arrrrgh!

--Mom

Smart cars? Not!

2009-04-14T13:31:00.011-04:00

Here's one for the "No shit!" file. Smart cars and other micro autos aren't safe in an accident. (Duh!)

From FoxNews.com...

Small Cars Get Poor Marks in Collision Tests

WASHINGTON — Micro cars can give motorists top-notch fuel efficiency at a competitive price, but the insurance industry says they do not fare well in collisions with larger vehicles.

In crash tests released Tuesday, the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety found that drivers of 2009 versions of the Smart "fortwo," Honda Fit and Toyota Yaris could face significant leg and head injuries in severe front-end crashes with larger, mid-size vehicles.

"There are good reasons people buy mini cars. They're more affordable, and they use less gas. But the safety trade-offs are clear from our new tests," said Adrian Lund, the institute's president.

Really? Crash tests had to be done to determine that a automobile not much bigger than the person driving it isn't entirely safe in an accident? Wow. I wonder who footed the bill for that brilliant research? Because...who couldn't see that coming!?

Smart cars are actually a pet peeve of mine. I don't understand the attraction. They don't look safe or comfy. There isn't enough money in the world to put any of my family members in a car that small. I have shoeboxes bigger than a Smart car! You know the boxes that knee-high boots come in? Yeah, those! Hell, Baby has a Little Tykes coupe roomier than a Smart car. In fact, they look almost identical!

It's hard to tell the difference, isn't it?

I like to be opened minded about things, so I can see a benefit to city living. Tight parking spacing. Easy to zip around parked cars and traffic jams. OK, fine. But to family 'burb dwellers? Nuh-uh. I don't get it. Give me a mom-van or an SUV anytime! My loved ones are too important.

--Mom

What would Mom do? Not fly the plane!

2009-04-13T19:09:00.007-04:00

I'm a little weirded out by a recent emergency aircraft landing. I'm talking about the recent prop plane with a dead pilot.

I think it's essential that there are are many auxiliary pilots as possible on a plane. In fact, the next time I'm on a flight, I intend to canvas the passengers upon embarking. "Excuse me sir, do you know how to fly this?" "Ma'am, do you happen to have a pilot's license on you?" "Hey kid, you play enough flight simulator games to get this bitch back onto the ground?" I mean it. This isn't a bicycle built for two. This is an aerodynamic flying machine that's going to take me a mile off the ground. I want a qualified individual to get me back down again. Hell, two or three spares would be nice.

The whole thing's also got me wondering what my role on a doomed flight would be. I don't know how to fly a plane, so that's out. I know how to be a smart ass. And I know how to make dinner and serve it in under 30 minutes. I can have three conversations going at one time during a party. And I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue. But, I don't really see any of those as being terribly beneficial when the chips are down.

At my school however, we do a number of safety drills to keep everyone safe. I can quickly flip off the lights and shove everyone behind desks as we all rush into lock-down, should a crackpot with a weapon burst into the school. I can heroically chase people out of a building during a fire drill in under a minute. Mostly I need to get the hell away from the deafening siren sound, but, it's the end result that counts, right? And in the midst of a tornado drill, heads are tucked and bottoms are up like nobody's business down my hallway. So I'm thinking a back-up safety coordinator might just be my gig.

I've watched the flight attendants' emergency instructions dozens of times. I do this religiously because I want to know exactly what to do in case that bird goes down. I'm clear on how to put my seat in the upright position. It's not hard, just push the button and that seat snaps right into place with precision accuracy. All three inches of reclining comfort zoom magically into place! The tray table is a breeze also. Push it upwards, turn the thumb lock. Piece of cake! You know which tray tables can fuck with your head though? The variety that folds out of the armrest. They're tricky! You have to perform a fold, a lift, a twist, a downward shove and a lock. How am I supposed to get my flotation device on AND get my head between my legs if I'm messing about with that kind of crazy tray table?! I'm sure in an emergency though, I will rise to the occasion. Now that I think about it, it's probably not much different than the fold-over/head-down/bottoms-up tornado drill, right?

I think I'd be pretty good at strapping the margarine cup over my nose and mouth first, and then onto any younger passengers flying with me. Grab, pull, snap. I do that every morning with bras! Sort of. But I think I've got elastic down pat. I might need to take a breather before attempting the floor light puzzler. "The lights will guide your way to the nearest exit." Really? I hope so, because I had trouble the other day manipulating the "street view" map on Google. The arrows were a little slow, and I couldn't make my way down a side street and I zoomed in way too far while trying to peer into someone's window. Perhaps I need to master Google maps before taking on the yellow light road. But I like moon bounces and slides an awful lot, so you can bet I'm going to be one of the first to expertly demonstrate the exit technique. I've studied the emergency cards in the seat-back pocket, so I feel pretty confident in flinging myself and my fellow passengers out the door to safety.

Let me just say though, I'm not going to waste time worrying about my soda can. So the flight attendant really shouldn't be concerned with making yet another pass down the aisle with the dripping trash bag. If I'm going down and I'm already trying to right my seat, get the tray up and locked, slip on my snazzy orange vest, get the margarine container strapped onto my face and the faces of those around me, plus pay attention to the floor lights while heaving myself out the plane and onto the moon bounce, the last thing I'm going to worry about is a soda can bonking me in the forehead. Sure it'll be one more thing that sucks, but fuck it. I want out!

--Mom

Yuck

2009-04-13T16:57:00.004-04:00

It's Monday. Again. Spring break is over and I headed back to work today. My bitterness knows no boundaries.

Quick, someone try to cheer me up!

--Mom

I hope the Easter bunny brought you some chocolate!

2009-04-12T06:00:00.001-04:00

A good day for this journalist!

2009-04-11T22:52:00.022-04:00

I did the tourist thing today and took a trip to Washington, DC. I've been wanting to see the Newseum. Today was its first birthday, and the founders were hosting a par-tay!

I went to school to be a journalist. Worked in the newspaper industry for almost 20 years. And now I teach journalism, and man, I felt at home. ~happy sigh~ I really love my trade industry. The media often takes a lot of grief, but without it, we'd be one ignorant and ill-informed society. As former Washington Post publisher Phillip Graham said, "Journalism is the first rough draft of history."

The Newseum houses amazing exhibits. Each day someone changes every newspaper in the "Front Page Gallery." There's a memorial to the fallen journalists who have died in action. A tribute to 9/11. An interactive newsroom where I filmed a news video. Hundreds of original newspapers featuring hundreds of our most important events in history. There are a dozen theaters that feature news events from the last century. Several sections of the Berlin live at the Newseum, along with a guard station from Berlin's Checkpoint Charlie. There are exhibits about the First Amendment, world press freedom, the FBI, Lincoln's assassination, Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs, and much more. I could have spent days there! DAYS!

This is a portion of the "News History Gallery"...

Journalists caught up in the violence at the "Time Warner World News Gallery"...
First freedoms at the "Cox Enterprises First Amendment Gallery"...
Sections of the Berlin wall, torn down in 1989, in the "Berlin Wall Gallery"...

In these hard economic times, it makes me sad to see newspapers failing due to steep declines in advertising revenue. It feels like pieces of history are dying. Thank goodness for the Newseum and its ability to preserve and present the news. And for the First Amendment for its ability to protect the news. I can't wait to visit DC again to see everything I missed!

--Mom

P.S. If it weren't for media technology and the migration to do-it-yourself journalism, our beloved blogs wouldn't be possible! ~hugs the laptop~

The stuff of nightmares

2009-04-10T12:01:00.006-04:00

Taking The Obnoxious SAHM's lead, I feel the need to get something off my chest. I feel a little bad griping about it because it's a children's show, but those of you who know me, know I am vehemently opposed to "Yo Gabba Gabba." It's incredibly obnoxious and I won't let my children near it.

So Obnoxious SAHM, I'll see your "Max & Ruby" and raise you an orange wig and a red nubby dildo. You wanna talk crazy? This show is all kinds of crazy!
First, I feel a violent need to bitch slap the main character. I don't even know his name, I just call him Queer Dude With The Orange Wig. There are SO many things wrong with his character. (A) The tacky ass orange wig. Or is that a hat? Who knows. (B) That orange leisure suit. Ugh. Hey Queer Dude, the '70s called and they want their clothes back! (C) The stereotypical over-sized boom box. Do people even own these anymore? (D) His inability to dance worth a shit. Go to YouTube and search up a video, or better yet, just take my word for it and save yourself the eye bleed. And finally (E) The songs he sings make me want to rip my ears off and stomp on them. "Don't bite your friends! Don't bite your friends! Don't bite your friends!" WTF?! Just...WTF?

Second, on what planet did this show look like a good idea?! Because the characters that hang with Queer Dude With The Orange Wig all looks like dog toys. Freakin' DOG TOYS! Who did the market research on this and said, "Hey, kids LOVE shows about dog toys!"?? Because whoever thought it, should be bitch slapped, too. The show is just so wrong and grating. All you Barney haters, check out Queer Dude With The Orange Wig! Barney looks like Justin Timberlake compared to Queer Dude With The Orange Wig.

Third, let's talk specifically about the tall, red, dog toy. Does it or does it not look like a giant red dildo? It totally does! Admit it. A friend pointed out that it's not any kind of dildo she'd be interested in...because of the teeth. LOL. And she's right. Yikes!

So gimme the cute, chubby, irresponsible bunnies any day! You can have Queer Dude With The Orange Wig and his giant, biting dildo.

Am I right, readers?! Is this nightmarish or what?!

--Mom

Friday + my favorite stuff

2009-04-10T07:58:00.001-04:00

This is some of my favorite stuff, just so you know. It's a feature I want to try for Fridays. Let's see if I have the attention span to keep it up.

Easter colored M&Ms. These are a family tradition. Well, all M&Ms actually. We have them at nearly all family functions. I even had M&Ms at my wedding reception. But this time of year, we're all about the pastels.

Picnik. This is my favorite online source for altering photos and creating graphics. It's easy, fun and free!

Xtranormal. As you can see, I have a gift for video production. Another easy, fun and free website. You'll be able to kill hours of your life on Xtranormal.

Fritos Scoops. These are my dip chip of choice. We'll be having some this weekend with family, as we snarf my kick ass pizza dip.

Visuwords. This is a wicked cool visual dictionary/thesaurus. It creates a web of words, phrases and related concepts for writing and research, right before your very eyes. Check it out!

So what is it that you can't get enough of lately?!

--Mom

Bella's Braces

2009-04-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

Bella has an orthodontist appointment today to get the bottom set of braces. This will complete the full $5,000 set.

~breathes into paper bag~

At the last appointment, as I sat in the waiting room contemplating the expense, I admired the lovely furnishings in the waiting room--the leather chairs, Queen Anne side tables, the artwork. I noticed an expanse of children's toys and a play center for the younger siblings who come to wait. And I was impressed by the variety of magazines. He had not only the typical grocery-store variety, but also scholarly journals, trade periodicals and niche publications. I could have earned college enrichment credits by perusing the mags for an hour in his office. And the most stunning bauble of all the items in the waiting room, was the large flat-screen TV hanging on the wall. The picture was crisp and the definition was high. And I was thinking it would look sweet hanging on my own wall...and I could probably get one for half the price of what I was shoveling at the orthodontist.

Last fall, the orthodontist hosted a skate party for all the kids he's wired up. We were new clients then and there is no doubt in my mind that my husband and I single-handedly paid for that junket. There was cake and soda, every brand of chip under the sun, gifts and giveaways, contests, not to mention the cost of four hours on the ice. A friend asked why my ortho wasn't hosting a wine + cheese for the PARENTS who, after all, were making all this frivolity possible. And...YEAH, where is MY orthodontia party? Where are my lobster tails and shrimp cocktail? My champagne? How about some stuffed mushroom caps or a dessert tray?

I'm feeling gypped and bitter! Does it show? I calculated the overall cost of the braces, and figured that I'd need to snag 50 magazines from the waiting room at each visit in order to break even. That's a lot of work, and I'm not sure if I have time to read that many magazines. Instead, after today's appointment, that friggin' TV is coming with ME!

So...chick flicks and a sleepover at my house on Friday! Who's bringing the shrimp and lobster tails?

--Mom

All that, fo' shizzle

2009-04-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

As I've mentioned, it's spring break, so I thought I'd get with my homeys and lay down some rap tracks. With my journalism background, I have camera and script-writing experience so this is a good outlet for me. What I didn't realize was my amazing ability as a choreographer. The boys really seem to dig my groove, and are hip to the shorter remix. They think I'm pretty gangsta for a white chick from the 'burbs. (Props to Sir Mix-A-Lot for the original.) Check out my mad rap video skillz.

So, what do you think? Are me and the boys fly or what?

To make your own video, hook yourself up at xtranormal.
--Mom

"50 Things To Do Butt Naked"

2009-04-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

That was the headline blazing across the front of Cosmo magazine as I stood in the grocery store check-out line yesterday. Seriously? Things to do sans pants? WTF?

I admit though that I contemplated buying it, mainly because it's been years since I've looked at Cosmo. And even this morning I'm thinking I may go back for it. But then again...why do I need a list of 50 activities that don't require pants? Am I seriously going to seek out these butt-naked situations? Uh, no.

Still, I'm curious to see what's on the list because I can only think of a few bare-assed activities, and one I don't want to do with anyone else around. So that pretty much leaves showering, skinny dipping and sex. What could the other 46 things possibly be? If I decide to go back for the Cosmo, I'll let you know, just in case you find yourself bored, without your pants.

What I can do though, is come up with a number of things I DON'T want to do with my ass hanging out. So here we go...

"10 Things Not To Do Butt-Naked"

Go mountain climbing while wearing a strap-on rope harness
Ride a crowded New York City subway train
Be the anchor in a four-person nude luge sled
Slide into home to make the winning run for the softball team
Sit in a nudist colony movie theater seat for two hours
Fall on a hill of fire ants
Ride a unicycle in the circus
Go down a metal slide on a hot day at the playground
Sit on a old wooden picnic table at a highway rest area
Join the prison wrestling team

So, what did I miss? Anything?

--Mom

Monday, again

2009-04-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

It's Monday, and it's raining. Typical, huh? The only thing that's saving this day from a total hating is that I'm on spring break, and how bad can a Monday be when I'm not working, right?

We'll see if that attitude changes when I have to drag Baby out in the rain for groceries. More importantly, how 'bout when I have to drag that all that shit from the car into the house? :-/

Say, what do you hate about Mondays?

--Mom

Hey there!

2009-04-06T00:32:00.000-04:00

I'm the Mom. I work. I have a family. I blog.

I've been on the internet practically since All Gore invented it. I started surfing the web when my oldest was born, so we're talking 1995. I was originally interested in baby and parenting sites. But those got old after awhile.

Within a few years I'd met a number of friends and we still post on a private bulletin board, daily. I've taken up blogging because I have so much to say. And I'll say it to nearly anyone who will listen. So, dear readers, you're next!

--Mom