Saturday, July 25, 2009

The big one!


I'm taking a big state exam today, and I've been studying for weeks. Wish me luck! I didn't get a chance to do my "5 for Friday" yesterday because I've been in crunch mode. Next week though, I promise! Have a good weekend, and think super test vibes. K?

--Mom

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

No love for the primates

Have you seen this video from CNN?

video

Man, those little fuckers freak me out. They're like furry little car-jacking felons! I'm surprised they didn't pop a cap in the videographer's ass and hoist the car up onto blocks so they could chop his ride for parts. Remind me to stay out of that monkey ghetto!

I have a serious aversion to monkeys and apes.

IMO, they're all yellow-teethed, nose-picking, bug-eating, ass-scratching, shit-flingers. I don't think there's anything cute or charming about them. Remember Travis, the 200-pound chimp that attacked a Connecticut woman and ate her face off? I think the owner should have been shot right along with the chimp. An animal of that size should have been returned to the wild or kept in a facility, not allowed near people or behind the wheel of a car.

Have you heard about those restaurant monkeys in Japan that serve drinks?

video

That is SO wrong! I do NOT want those bug-eating shit-flingers bringing me drinks in a restaurant. What if you don't tip them well enough? Will you get a face full of monkey poo?! Will one of 'em chew your face off? ~shudder~

Personally, there are a couple of primates that I dislike more than others: chimpanzees, proboscis monkeys and orangutans.

Check out that proboscis monkey in the middle. Does he remind you of anyone?

Jimmy Durante

I have nothing against Jimmy Durante, but admit it, he's got that monkey look about him! Poor, unfortunate bastard.

--Mom

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...how about a quickie?

Hey gang! It's Tuesday, so that means I've done my homework and chosen a fab headline for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. Today's t-shirt headline is sure to net you a whole host of new friends! (They might be questionable friends, but what do you expect wearing a shirt like this?!)

This t-shirt has two meanings. Either the way you like it, or the way you deliver it. ~wink wink~ Either way, you have Diva on a Diet at Beach Eats to thank for this outstanding headline.

Diva, grab your t-shirt and link back to this post if you'd like. Enjoy!

Readers, if you come across a great headline that would make a cool t-shirt, a la CNN, e-mail and let me know.

--Mom

Friday, July 17, 2009

5 for Friday...boating boo-boos

It's Friday, so that means it's time for a list. I really dig making lists, so here's my "5 for Friday"...grievous injuries sustained on the boat in the first week of ownership.

5. Broken nails. I have three. I'm a tacky, uneven mess right now!

4. Cuts. I have an irritating cut in the web of my fore and middle fingers on my left hand. Plus a good one on the top of my head, see "near concussion" below.

3. Mosquito bites. I'm covered in them. I'm sure I'll begin to exhibit signs of malaria any minute now.

2. Bruises. I have half a dozen bruises on my knees and shins from bumping into things. It takes some time to get used to the spacial aspects of the boat. Plus, I have a whopper on the inside of my upper arm from walking down into the cabin.
See ----->
(Note to self: Don't hang on to outside handrail as you try descend the stairs, dumbass.)

1. Near concussion. I cracked my head coming up from the cabin on the first night we did the big clean-up. I thought I would pass out as I actually saw stars. When I touched my head, there was blood. ~queasy~ It seems I slammed my noggin into the locking mechanism on the main cabin hatch. Hopefully, I'll soon master the fine art of ascending and descending the cabin stairs.

Jesus, could I *be* a bigger damn klutz?! I'm positive the second week of boat ownership will be better, injury-wise. Wish me luck!

--Mom

Thursday, July 16, 2009

How'd you find me?

I love looking at my search statistics. It's a fascinating look into the human mind. A freaky ass look as I've discovered, but a look nonetheless.

According to my numbers, it seems that people are aching for "jimmy buffet invitations." Please people, I do not have the invitations! Thanks for looking, but I'm more the go-to gal for jellos shooters and boozy watermelons. If you locate an invitation though, I'll happily bring both! Deal?

People are looking for a "hairy mom" and a "butt naked mom." OK, seriously? Both are equally disturbing. I can sort of understand the butt naked mom (MILF!) but a hairy mom...~brrrrr~...that creeps me out. Who the fuck wants to find a hairy mom on the Internet? And no doubt they were looking for photos, too. Freak! (Which one of you was it?! LOL)

I hope the person looking for "crazy 80's birthday invitations" finds one. AND invites me to the par-tay! As previously mentioned, I can be counted on to bring the shooters and watermelon.

"Houses you did not build" isn't really all that interesting. Who wants to know that kind of information? Don't 99% of us live in houses we did not build? I'll bet whoever was searching for that lame tidbit was pretty sad to discover me bitching about stuff instead.

I do love that someone wants to know "what funny brat pack movie featured a princess, an athlete, a brain, a basket case and a criminal?" because Breakfast Club was one of my movie faves from last week. (Glad to be of service, dude!)

OK lastly, lemme tell ya, there are HUNDREDS of people looking for things to "butt naked." I think it's a little whack that people can't figure that one out on their own, but if Cosmo felt the need to do a whole cover article on it, I suppose it's a real problem. (C'mon people, you're naked, think it through!!) This is my post that is the most searched of all: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." It was actually one of my first!

What searches combos got them to that post, you ask? I'll tell you!

  • 50 things to do butt naked
  • 50 things to do bare assed
  • 50" butt (OK wait...someone is looking for a 50 inch butt?
    Sir Mix-A-Lot would be pleased!)
  • Fun things to do butt naked
  • Cosmos 50 things to do naked
  • Cosmos 30 things to do to a naked man

I sincerely hope there are a lot of readers out there gettin' some, with all that naked searching going on! ~wink, wink~

So, have you ever checked your search stats? What were some of the interesting or funny catch phrases?

--Mom

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Weenie is under the weather

Shit. Weenie is sick. The vet thinks she has a respiratory infection. Poor sweet baby. :-(

On the way home from the vet appointment last night I decided to myself that this is IT. I'm done with pets whenever it's Weenie's time. I can't handle illness. It makes me a nervous wreck! Children can tell you what's wrong and where it hurts, pets can't. They just wither. We love our pets like nobody's business and then they just break our hearts! Weenie isn't in grave danger, but we've had some pretty horrible pet deaths and I just can't deal.

Please cross your fingers that I won't have to! And of course keep 'em crossed for Weenie's sake. She's such a good dog!


--Mom

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...beyond crazy!

Today is Tuesday, so you know what that means, right? Time for Terrific T-shirt Tuesday! For my newbies, it's where I canvas the blogoshere looking for blog headlines that would make great t-shirts, a la CNN.

Today, I'm featuring a headline that makes me chuckle every time I think of it, courtesy of Julia D. at Homemade Hilarity. Julia cracks me up, and this post is no exception. But the headline is what stuck in my mind.
Have you ever had one of those stressed out days, where every single thing sets you on edge? Like you're going...bat shit crazy? I sure have! Wouldn't it be great to have a t-shirt to warn people that it's time back the fuck up? This would be it!

Julia, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post.
And thanks for the funny!

Have you seen a clever blog headline that makes you laugh? E-me and let me know.

--Mom

Monday, July 13, 2009

A new baby!

This is our new baby. Isn't she lovely?

Photo props to Keith. Thank you, again!

Well, we did it. We bought a boat. We took it out for the maiden voyage yesterday, and it was awesome! We met up with friends for our first multi-boat tie-up out in the bay. It was a blast. The kids swam, we made new friends, and just enjoyed the weather. It was hard having to call it a day. And MacDaddy docked it like a champ! Looks like we won't need to pay for any damage to other boats...yet. LOL

We're having a hard time deciding what to name her though. Someone got it in our heads that it's bad luck to rename a boat. :-/ So we're not sure what to do. Take our chances and figure out how to appease Poseidon? Or just throw caution to the sea and go for it?

Here are some of the names we're considering, see what you think...

  • Pi$$ing it Away
  • Bad Parents
  • Cheers
  • Sandy Cheeks
  • Boat Dorks
  • Just Add Water
  • Newbies - Stay Back
  • 5 O'clock Somewhere
  • If This Boat's a-Rockin'...
  • Who the Hell Needs College Anyway?

My personal favorite is "Keith's Fault." We secretly blame our friend Keith for giving us the boat joneses that fated Sunday afternoon on the river.

So what do you think? Do you have any great boat name ideas? It's an awful lot of pressure!

--Mom

Friday, July 10, 2009

5 for Friday...Movies

The end of the week is here, so it's time for my "5 for Friday." The theme this week is: 5 favorite movies of all time.

5. Grease. All my favorite movies have to do with friendships and relationships of the heart. This movie has a little of both. And, it contains a line I often use..."It says right here it is a dessert wine." LOL. Who doesn't like this movie though? Cars, making out, leather jackets, going back to high school, great songs, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, the big dance, mooning the camera, a dessert wine...what's not to love?!

4. Breakfast Club. For me, this is the ultimate 1980s teen Brat Pack movie. Representin' we had a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal...that just about summed up most of the people I knew from high school. BTW, I've always wanted to try that lipstick-in-the-cleavage trick.

3. An Officer and a Gentleman. I saw this movie at a time when an ex-boyfriend went into the Navy, and it was an interesting look into the armed forces. Plus it had Richard Gere in a uniform. Nuff said!

2. Big Chill. Great plot. Great music. Great cast. I love, LOVE, L-O-V-E, this movie! Jeff Goldblum has an interesting line in that movie. He's at the reception for their dead friend and he says, "Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come." How true!

1. Overboard. I know the entire movie by heart, and everything that comes out of Goldie Hawn's mouth is hilarious. ("Andrew! Are you going to bring me a lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?") Some day I want to have a big slumber party with all my girlfriends and watch this movie so we can just laugh and laugh.

What are some of your absolute favorite movies?!

--Mom

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Psssst, wanna see a steel erection?


Ha! Made ya look!
MacDaddy and I erected this canopy and bug netting yesterday. It's in lieu of a screened porch or a sunroom. We've been thinking about either for our deck, but have decided to get a boat instead. So, this is our compromise. And guess what? We love it! We wish we'd erected one years ago when they first became backyard vogue.

Now that I've put the word "erection" into my headline, I can hardly *wait* to see my search stats. Pervs!

So, did I fool you? LOL

--Mom

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Terrific T-shirt Tuesday...it's putrid

Hey gang, it's Tuesday! Time for my Terrific T-shirt Tuesday. This is the day I surf the 'net for a groovy headline that would make a Terrific T-shirt a la CNN. Check out this one by Em at "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit..."
This was a great headline, and would be an equally great t-shirt. Just like Justin Timberlake's song "I'm Bringing Sexy Back"... letting people know that you're bringin' on the putrid will definitely get you laid! (Not! LOL) Em, grab your t-shirt if you'd like and link back to this post. Enjoy and thanks for the funny!

--Mom

Friday, July 3, 2009

5 for Friday...Independence Day

Hey everyone! It's the weekend again--and a holiday at that--so it's time for my Friday list. The theme for today's "5 for Friday" is....Reasons I Love the 4th of July.

5. This is the greatest country on the planet! Sure we have our fair share of problems, issues and assholes, but we've got all those rights and freedoms to balance it out. A lot of lives were lost in the American Revolution to get us these freedoms.

4. Swimming. I'm always around water on the 4th of July. As a kid, the holiday was spent camping and whitewater rafting, or at my grandparent's house on Long Island. As I got older, the 4th was spent at my parent's summer place on the river, now it's at the pool. I adore the water!

3. Fireworks! I love them as much now as I did when I was a child. My favorites are the ones that burst into a big crackly dome and then produce swirly spinners that fall toward earth. I can't wait to oooooh and aaaaaah!

2. Booze. Need I say more?

1. Food! It's the quintessential barbecue day. Burger, hotdogs, chops, steaks, chicken, sausages--you name it! Plus, watermelon, pasta salad, macaroni salad, potato salad, cole slaw, pie and cake...I'm getting hungry just thinking about it all.

So I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend!
Have a cocktail and a burger and enjoy the day.

What is it about the 4th that you enjoy?

--Mom

Thursday, July 2, 2009

A big hairy deal

Something must be wrong in my subconscious, because I recently had TWO dreams about shaving. Shaving badly, to be precise! I must be secretly worried that I'm not doing right.

The first dream centered around a patch of hair I'd apparently missed for, like, 30 years. The spot was on my right leg, approximately 3 inches around, just above my outer ankle bone. It was long and bushy, like pubes, down near my ankle. HOW could I have missed that my whole adult life? I was horrified in my dream. I remembering thinking that EVERYONE must have seen that nasty shit, and NO ONE told me! Not even my own husband! WTF?

Within a day or two I dreamt about a wad of hair under my left arm inside my bra strap. There it was, a shrub of hair branching out from inside my bra! Had I been to the pool in a swimming suit with that scary stuff?! AND the patch down by my ankle? Jesus, what must the neighbors think of me?! How could I have possibly missed that while shaving? And when did I become such a hairy Sasquatch?

I really hope I don't have any more hairy dreams. They're quite unsettling, and I'm starting to feel a little paranoid. That amount of hairy is decidedly NOT sexy.

What do you suppose it all means?

--Mom

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My foul-mouthed child

Baby needs to have her mouth washed out with soap. Check this out!

Me: Baby, you need to go put your pajamas on. It's almost time for bed.

Baby: But I'm playing with my ponies.

Me: Now! Go get in your jammies.

Baby (stomps off): God dammit.

~gasp~ Can you believe it? WTF?

I know, I know....the hypocrisy.
Do you have a funny story about your foul-mouthed child?

--Mom
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